AntiGravity Falls
by MagicMoneyPants
Summary: Based off the age-reversed AntiGravity AU. Where Wendy and Soos are twelve, and the twins are fifteen. Find out what kind of rollicking adventures these rapscallions get into!
1. Roadside Distractions

**This story is based off the age-reversed _AntiGravity AU._ Wendy and Soos are twelve, and the twins are fifteen. **

* * *

**AntiGravity Falls**

Summer break. A time to relax, hang out, and take it easy. And Wendy Corduroy couldn't be more bored. It wasn't that she minded time off from classes, but being the tallest kid in her grade, coupled with braces and freckles, didn't exactly make her the most popular kid in school. In fact, it made her the second least popular. The least popular kid being her best friend Soos.

Soos was chubby, awkward, and eternally optimistic. The taunts from bullies never really bothered him (especially after they learned about Wendy's mean uppercut), he preferred to look on the bright side of things. And the bright side of this summer was the fact that he got a job at the Mystery Shack. He loved that place and its owner. Stan Pines didn't mind the affection Soos showed him, especially since it meant he could hire the boy as an 'unpaid apprentice.'

With her only real friend working, Wendy didn't have much to do. That's how she wound up spending most of her days at the Shack. It seemed like it was going to be another boring summer, that is, until Stan's great niece and nephew came to town.

**Roadside Distractions**

It was a typical day at the Mystery Shack. Wendy was sweeping the floors, Soos was installing some new shelves with Mabel steadying the step ladder for him, and Dipper was reading a thick book while manning the cash register of the empty gift shop.

After finishing a tour Stan walked into the shack carrying a bundle of planks, "Alright people, I need one of you to hang up these signs in the spooky part of the woods."

"Not it." The twins said in unison, followed shortly after by Wendy.

"I'll do it!" Soos shouted, eager to please.

"Get back to work Soos."

"Yes sir, Mr. Pines!" Answered the twelve year old, returning his attention to the rickety shelving.

"Alright, let's see. Eeny-meeny-miny… You." Stan pointed to Wendy.

"Aww, do I have to?" She whined. "It always feels like someone's watching me out there."

"Hey, I let you hang around here all day without even charging you. The least you could do is help out a little."

Wendy grumbled, but picked up the signs none the less. It was then that Stan looked at his nephew (who had gone back to reading) and said, "Dipper, you go with her. Make sure she doesn't slack off."

"Seriously Gruncle Stan?" Dipper groaned. "Do you really want Mabel working the register after what happened last time?"

**…..**

_"You get a free keychain! And you get a free keychain! Everyone gets a free keychain!"_

**…..**

"You make a valid point." Stan said, steepling his fingers together. "Let me offer this as a rebuttal: _Get yer keister outta here!"_

Dipper huffed while getting off his stool and slinging on his backpack. "C'mon kiddo, let's get this over with." Gesturing for Wendy to follow.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Why does Stan even want signs out here?" Wendy asked. "There's not even a path."

"He says it's to attract lost hikers." Dipper told her. "He says they'll buy almost anything if you promise they can use your phone."

The duo had wandered a fair distance into the woods, hanging crudely made signs along the way. Despite her earlier protests, Wendy found that she didn't really mind the work, it wasn't so bad with someone there to talk to. She liked Dipper, he was kind of a dork, but also kind of cool. He was fun to hang out with (not the same kind of fun as Mabel, but a calmer, more laid back kind of fun). And, despite their age difference, he didn't talk down to her or treat her like a little kid.

Wendy was about to drive a nail into another tree when Dipper stopped her. "Don't put one on that tree, use another one."

"Why?"

"Uh…" Dipper rubbed the back of his head trying to come up with an excuse. "Because it's too close to the other signs. Yeah. We don't want them all bunched together."

The preteen looked behind her at the work they'd done so far. This tree didn't look any closer than the rest were, but moved to a different pine. It may have been the generations of lumberjacks in her blood, but something about that tree didn't seem right anyway, it felt out of place. She shrugged off the feeling and continued her work.

The two had almost finished their job when they heard faint cries of distress coming from the Shack. "_Dipper! I need you back on register. Mabel's been giving discounts to customers again!_"

"Looks like I'm needed elsewhere." The teen said while looking to Wendy. "Think you can finish up here?"

"Sure, no problem." She said. There were only three or four more signs anyway.

"_Hurry Dipper! She just gave away a bumper sticker!"_

"See you back at the Shack squirt." Dipper gave her a playful punch on the shoulder before running off to save his uncle from Mabel's generous nature.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wendy struck her last nail with the hammer, but the cheap metal bent into a useless angle. Muttering, the girl tried to find a replacement, only to see that Dipper had left his backpack behind. Figuring that was the most likely place for the teen to keep an extra box of nails, she opened it to explore the contents. There weren't any nails, but the pack was filled with notebooks and loose paper. One book in particular stood out. It was older than the rest, and bound in red leather. Her curiosity overpowering her concern for privacy, Wendy reached in and grabbed it.

A six fingered hand and a number_** 3** _were all the cover offered. Cracking it open she began to read:

_June 18,_

_It's hard to believe it's been six years since I began researching the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon…_

It was some kind of journal. The author described all sorts of bizarre creatures and phenomena. It was completely ridiculous of course, Wendy had lived here her entire life and had never witnessed any of this stuff. But as she kept reading she began to wonder if she knew this town as well as she thought. Somehow things started making more sense. Those feelings of being watched, glimpses of something out of the corner of your eye, stories kids and crazy old people tell, those dreams that seem so real that you have to convince yourself they actually _were_ dreams.

She flipped to the last page with writing on it, "_In Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust."_ A shiver rolled down her spine. Was all this true? Is this what Dipper and Mabel did when they snuck off into the wood, why they came back looking disheveled and bruised? Were they out hunting monsters? _No one you can trust._ This thing was written thirty years ago, how does Dipper have it? _No one you can trust._ Why hasn't he told everyone about this? Who else knows? _No one you can trust._ What else are they hiding?

"'Sup Dawg!" Soos shouted as he jumped up from behind the log Wendy was crouched beside.

The girl let out a surprised squawk, and nearly lost her grip on the journal. "Soos! What are you doing here?"

"Lookin' for you dude." He said. "Whatcha' reading?"

"I-it's nothing."

"Aww, come on, you can show me!" Soos' curiosity was clear in his voice, but Wendy still seemed reluctant. "Dude, it's me, Soos. We tell each other everything!"

Wendy glanced around before saying, "Let's go somewhere more private."

::::::::::::::::

Back at the Shack Wendy snuck Dipper's backpack under the register and pulled Soos into the living room. When she was sure they were alone Wendy explained about the journal, its strange contents, and cryptic warning.

"Whoa, no way!" Soos exclaimed.

"This explains the whole creepy vibe Gravity Falls has around it." Wendy continued. "But I don't know why Dipper has it, or what he's using it for."

"Do you think they use the book to go out and fight monsters and stuff?"

"Maybe."

"That's awesome!" Soos shouted. "They're like the _Mystery Twins_ or something!"

"Don't call them that." Wendy deadpanned.

"But don't you think you should give Dipper back the journal? It is his after all."

"I know. I will. I just need to figure out what all this means."

Their conversation was interrupted when the doorbell rang. Wendy asked, "Who's that?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you!" Soos said, switching gears. "I made a new friend! She's coming over to hang out."

"A new friend?" Wendy quirked an eyebrow at the news.

The doorbell rang again and Soos ran out of the room. Wendy sat on the recliner to read through the journal, when Stan walked in. "Hey kiddo, whatcha reading?"

Wendy jumped in surprise and shoved the journal under a cushion. She grabbed blindly at the end table and brought whatever was there to her face. "Oh, I was just checking out uhh… _The Sibling Brothers in The Case of the Caper-Case Caper_?_"_

"Yeesh, you've been spending too much time with Dipper. That kid's rubbing off on you."

"Hey dudes. I'd like you all to meet my new friend." Soos ran back into the room pulling a girl behind him. She was taller than Soos and maybe a year or two older. She wore tight jeans and a black hoodie that covered most of her head. What could be seen of her hair was dyed purple, the same color as her makeup.

Wendy cocked an eyebrow. Not really knowing what to make of this new girl she just said, "Hey."

"How's it hangin'?" Stan added.

"'Sup." Was the only response they got.

"So, what's your name?" Wendy asked.

The girl looked panicked for a moment, her eyes darting around the room as if searching for something. They finally landed on the entrance to the gift shop. "I'm… Door… uhh…"

"She means Dora." Soos explained.

"Is that blood dripping from your mouth Dora?"

Again she stiffened in panic before saying, "It's fruit punch."

"All right! I love fruit punch." Soos was practically jumping now. "Do you like it in box or pouch form?"

"Umm… Box?"

"Nice." Soos offered his fist for her to bump, but when she just stared at it in confusion he gave her a gentle jab to the arm instead.

"So… Do you wanna go do… Stuff?"

"Dude, I love stuff!" Grabbing Dora's arm Soos turned to leave shouting, "See you guys later!"

Something seemed off about that girl, but Wendy wasn't sure what. Deciding the most responsible thing to do would be to voice her concerns to the nearest adult, she turned to Stan and said, "Did any of that seem strange to you?"

"I'll say it was strange…"

Wendy was surprised that Stan actually noticed something wrong, with his help she could make sure her friend didn't get into any trouble. Now all she had to do was-

"…_Soos _got himself a _girlfriend_." And there it was. "I never thought I'd live to see the day."

::::::::::::::::::::::::

Since being responsible didn't work, Wendy decided to do the practical thing instead and take matters into her own hands. Retreating to the second floor she consulted the journal, nothing matched until she found one entry:

_This species of demon feeds off the life force of humans (particularly males). She will bind herself to a host, changing her appearance and personality to become irresistible to that individual. Once under her sway, the host will be slowly drained of energy over the course of days or weeks. If the demon is not exorcised the host will _die_._

_Beware the __**Succubi**__ of Gravity Falls!_

"No way." Wendy gasped. "Could it really be true?"

"Oh it could. It very could." A voice sounded behind her. "What are we talking about again?"

"Mabel!" Wendy screamed in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"My bedroom is over there." She said, pointing to the adjoining attic room.

"Oh. Sorry."

"Aww, that's okay." Mabel ruffled up the younger girl's pig-tails. "I talk to myself alone in dark rooms all the time. Don't let anyone try to convince you it's creepy. Now, what's the problem here?"

"You've seen Soos' girlfriend right?"

"Yep-yep."

"I think she might be a succubus."

Instead of the laughter and insults Wendy expected, Mabel adopted a thoughtful look. "Yeah, I could see that being the case."

"Really? You believe me?"

"Sure, I've dealt with succubusses before."

"You have?" Wendy couldn't believe it. Maybe the twins really were monster hunters.

"Oh, wait. Are we talking about succubi figuratively or literally here?"

"Uh… literally?"

"Hmm. Okay, then I haven't dealt with succubi before." Mabel's face turned thoughtful again. "You should really be talking to Dipper about this, it's kinda his thing."

"No!" Wendy could feel the journal pressing against her back where she had hidden it. "Um, I mean, I want to keep this low key, ya know? For Soos' sake."

"Good point. When you're messing with stuff like this you've gotta be sure you're right before you jump into things. Otherwise you just wind up in Canada having to win a dogsled race against an evil space lizard."

"Wait. What?"

"So what proof do you have so far?"

"Well, I've got a bad feeling about her in the pit of my stomach."

"That's a good start. But it could also just mean you're constipated. You're gonna need something more substantial if you want people to believe you."

"You're right Mabel, as always."

Their conversation was interrupted by Stan shouting from downstairs, "Mabel! Get down here and keep this pig under control before I make him into bacon!"

"I must go now. My people need me." With that the teen marched out of the room, leaving Wendy to contemplate how to get proof of Dora's true nature.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Seeing no other options, Wendy tailed Soos and Dora on their date. Soos was bringing her to all his favorite hangouts:

The laser-tag place: They tied for last place.

The arcade: She was surprisingly good at the antiquated fighting games.

The diner: She nearly ripped the door off the building, but didn't order anything.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wendy was at a loss. Nothing about the girl was right, but she still had no hard evidence. It looked like she'd have to confront Soos, and hope he'd understand. She found her friend in the attic changing lightbulbs.

"Soos, we need to talk."

"What's up?" He set his work aside.

"It's about Dora. I don't think she is what she seems."

"What do you mean?"

"I think she might be one of these." Wendy lifted up the journal for Soos to read the page.

"Barf Fairy?" Soos said incredulously. "That sounds awesome!"

"Wait, wait. Sorry." Wendy quickly turned to the right page.

"A succubus? ...That sounds awesome!"

"It's not awesome! It's a horrible demon that wants to suck the life out of you!"

"Aww, Dora wouldn't do anything like that. She's cool."

"That's just her way of luring you into her trap!"

"No way, she's rad. I bet you two would get along great. In fact we're hanging out again later, you should come with us."

This floored Wendy for a moment. "Uh… I don't really think I want to come with you two on one of your dates."

"Dates?" Soos laughed. "We're not dating, we're just buds."

"Then why were you guys doing all that dating stuff?"

"Laser-tag is date stuff?"

"Look, that doesn't matter. What matters is your life's in danger, just look what the journal says."

"I don't know dude. I think that book has gone to your head." Soos spoke with genuine concern. "Maybe you should just give that thing back to Dipper."

Wendy looked at the book in her hands then back at her friend, unsure of what to say.

"I'm meeting Dora around four if you change your mind about hanging out with us." Soos packed up his tools and left the attic.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Maybe Soos was right. Maybe there really wasn't anything wrong with Dora. Wendy had recorded everything that afternoon, hoping she'd catch proof of her claim. But even replaying it there was nothing. Just Soos and Dora hanging out. Soos looking tired and drained. Dora staring at Soos while his back is turned, her eyes glowing an unnatural shade of purple. Wait, what?

Wendy rewound the tape and looked again. Her eyes were _glowing_, if that wasn't proof she didn't know what was. She had to show Soos before he left. She looked at the clock _4:15_, she was too late.

The girl ran out of the Shack calling Soos' name. She had no idea where to look. That's when Dipper drove the golf cart up to the porch. Wendy ran over to him panting.

"Dipper! Dipper! Have you seen Soos?"

"Yeah, he and his girlfriend just headed into the woods. Why?" He said as he got out.

"Dora's a succubus and I need to take the cart to save him!"

Dipper stared at her for a beat then said, "Are we talking literally or figuratively here?"

"Uh… Literally."

The teen groped in his pocket and pulled out a small spray bottle. "You'll need holy water then."

"Why do you have holy water in your pocket?" Wendy asked, taking the spritzer.

"No reason." He said while his eyes darted back and forth. The boy tossed her the keys to the cart and went inside before she could ask any more questions.

As she was pulling out of the property she was stopped by Mabel who handed her a baseball bat. "Take this in case she's not a monster, and just a jerk."

"Um… Thanks." Wendy took the club and drove past the waving Mabel. _Man, those twins are really weird._

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dora had invited Soos to take a walk through the woods with her. The boy had never really been a fan of _walking_, but he didn't want to disappoint his new friend. Besides, she'd promised him a surprise at the end.

"So Dora," Soos said, more out of breath than usual. "What did you want to show me out here in this secluded forest with no one around to see or hear anything that happens?"

The girl turned away and took a deep breath, "Soos, now that we've gotten to know each other, there's something I need to tell you."

"Sure dawg, you can tell me whatever."

"I'm not who I've said I was. I am…" She pause and a bright purple flash blinded the preteen. "The leader of the Fairies!"

When Soos' vision cleared he saw a dozen tiny figures floating in front of him. Each one glowed a different color of the rainbow, and tiny sparkles fell from their wings.

"I am Cindy." The purple one said. "And my people have long been searching for one like you."

"Um… Okay."

"And now that we've dated for a while, I'd like to ask you to marry us, and become our king."

"Whoa, whoa. Hold on a sec. Dated? I thought we were just hangin' out as buds?"

"B-but the laser-tag…" Cindy started to sniffle.

"Aww man, don't cry." Soos didn't mean to hurt the little creatures. "I really did have fun with you guys. But marriage is kinda like, a big deal. Ya know? Plus I'm twelve, so I'm pretty sure that would be illegal."

"So, in time you may learn to love us?"

"Uh, sure dude. Maybe." The boy reluctantly agreed.

"Oh Soos! You've made me so happy I could- _BLARG!"_ Foul smelling glittery liquid erupted from the fairy's mouth. As if it were a signal, the other miniature humanoids puked as well, the contents of their stomachs glowing the same color as their auras.

"Eew." Soos cringed. "But also kinda cool."

"Thank you Soos." Cindy continued. "We will now take you back to our glade where you can complete your larval stage and marry us when you've grown."

"Huh?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Trees blurred past Wendy as she raced through the forest. She had no idea where she was going, but she needed to get there fast. At any moment her best friend could be drained of his life force and left to whither into dust.

"Help!"

There in the distance, she could hear Soos calling.

"Help!"

Wendy turned a sharp left and drove into a bright meadow. There was Soos surrounded by colorful motes of light. He was encased in some kind of slimy green cocoon hanging from a tree. Every now and then one of the dots of light would release a _Blargh!_ sound and another layer of gooey resin would be added to his prison.

The preteen slammed on the breaks and stared at the scene in front of her. She was only snapped out of her shock when Soos said, "Wendy, Wendy! Dora turned out to be a bunch of Barf Fairies! It was cool at first, but now it's just really gross!"

"Barf Fairies? Dang, I was way off." Wendy pulled out the journal, but the entry on the little creatures was of no help. "Hey! You guys let go of my friend!"

Cindy turned around to face the intruder. "Oh, don't worry! Everything is fine. We're just cocooning him until he completes his metamorphosis and can become our king."

Wendy had no idea how to respond to that. She had come expecting to fight off an evil demoness, but apparently her friend was being forced to marry a colony of tiny winged humanoids with IBS. "You can't do that!"

"Yeah!" Agreed Soos.

"You dare challenge the might of the Fairies?" Shouted Cindy, flying close to the redhead's face.

Not really knowing what else to do, Wendy took the bottle of holy water out of her pocket and started spritzing the purple creature.

"Hey, stop that!" Cindy whined. "Ack, my hair!"

Wendy kept spraying, the water eventually weighing down the fairy's wings enough that she fell to the ground. Grabbing the bat she ran over to the cocoon and swung at it like a piñata. As soon as Soos fell to earth she grabbed his arm and dragged him to the cart. Wendy floored the gas pedal and turned towards Shack.

"You think you can get away that easily girl?" Cindy cried. "Fairies! Swarm! Swarm!"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Hurry up Dude! Before they catch up!" Soos shook Wendy's arm as the path they were on grew wider.

"Calm down!" Wendy pushed him off herself. "They're the size of bugs. How fast can they be?"

As she spoke a shadow fell across the cart, as if the cloudless sky suddenly became overcast. The pair looked up to see thousands of fairies hovering above them, blocking out the sun.

"Oh dang." Wendy almost-swore.

Soos just covered his eyes and whimpered while snapping a few pictures with his cellphone.

"Give back our king, or suffer the consequences!" Cindy shouted from above.

Putting her entire weight on the accelerator, Wendy drove off the path and began weaving through the trees, trying to shake of the pursuers. It did no good, the Barf Fairies glided between the trees like water. The magic beings kept pace with the preteens, but made no sign of attacking. Until Wendy heard the command, "Ready… Release!"

_BLARGH!_

Vomit fell from the sky in a torrential rain. If the smell alone wasn't enough to make the kids sick, then the sound of the bile hitting the carts roof was. However, their nausea was quickly surpassed by fear as the sparkling fluid began eating away at the canopy above their heads. Their only protection was dissolving before their eyes, and it became apparent that they'd need more than a shower if they got the stinky goop on their skin.

"Release!"

_BLARGH!_

Wendy turned a hard right to avoid the onslaught.

"Release!"

_BLARGH!_

Left. There was a clearing ahead and… Yes! The Shack. If they could just make it inside.

"Release!"

_BLARGH!_

Their tactic had changed. Instead of bombing the kids the fairies retched ahead of them, making a slick Wendy couldn't avoid. The cart skid through the puke and spun out as all four tires burst. The duo were thrown from the vehicle and forced against a wall by the closing army.

"Give it up girl." Demanded Cindy. "Return our king or perish!"

"No! He's not your frickin' king man!" Still holding the bat Mabel gave her, Wendy lashed out in front of her. But it was like trying to hit smoke.

"Alright, you asked for it." A group of fairies had positioned themselves above the redhead and looked ready to spew.

"Wait!" Soos pushed himself against Wendy, making it impossible to hit one without the other. "I'll do it Cindy. I'll marry you guys. Just let my friend go."

"Soos! What are you doing?" The girl hissed.

"It's okay Wendy, I got this."

"But-"

"Just trust me, okay?" Soos put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a pleading look.

_No one you can trust._

_No one you can trust. _

_No one you can trust._

"Okay Soos, I trust you." Hands raised, Wendy backed away from her friend.

"Alright Cindy, I'm ready."

"Yes! All right!" The purple fairy shouted. "Let's get you back in your cocoon babe."

"Sure thing." Soos paused for a moment. "Oh wait! I forgot I promised to fix this thing for Mr. Pines. You mind if I do that real quick?"

Cindy crossed her arms and huffed, but said, "Fine. As long as you're quick."

On a nearby picnic table was what looked like and electric lantern. Soos picked it up and started fiddling with it with a screwdriver. Once he was satisfied he set it down and picked up an extension cord off the ground. He plugged the thing in and let out a, "Yus!" as it hummed and glowed blue.

"Okay. I'm done." The boy turned back to his captors, but Cindy paid him no mind. She and all the other fairies stared at the blue glow.

"It's beautiful." The leader of the swarm flew closer to the device and reached out her hand, yearning to touch the divine light before her. _ZAP!_ She was gone in a puff of ash.

The fairies furthest away from the bug zapper screamed in terror, but those flying closer couldn't resist the siren call of the buzz, or the hypnotic beauty of the light. More and more flew towards it, only to disintegrate with a _CRACK!_ Those far enough to resist finally realized they couldn't pull their doomed comrades away, lest they too fall victim to its deadly enchantment. To this day the Barf Fairies of Gravity Falls tell the story of the _King Who Was Stolen_, and the _Blue God of Death_ who took him as a husband.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

When all the fairies were gone Wendy turned to her friend, "Soos, that was amazing!" She grabbed him into a hug. "How did you know the bug zapper would work?"

"Oh, I didn't." He admitted. "I had this totally different plan going when I noticed I still needed to fix that thing. I guess we were just lucky. It's a good thing too. Looking back, I'm not really sure how I was gonna teach all those squirrels to parachute."

Wendy buried her face in her palm and just patted her friend on the shoulder, "I'm glad you're safe Soos."

::::::::::::::::::::::

The Shack's gift shop was empty save for Dipper reading one of his mystery novels behind the counter. All Wendy wanted to do right now was sit in front of the TV for a few hours and decompress. She hoped the teen would just ignore them as they walked passed. No such luck, "So how'd that thing with the succubus go?"

Wendy tried to come up with a noncommittal response, but Soos cut her off, "Oh dude, it was so cool! Turns out Dora wasn't a teenager or a succubutt, she was a bunch of Barf Fairies in a girl suit!"

"Barf Fairies?" Dipper cocked an eyebrow. "How'd that turn out?"

"Aw man, it was so cool! I mean, it was super gross and scary, but it was so cool!" Soos went on to narrate their adventure.

"So how'd you guys get away?"

"Bug zapper dude." Answered Soos. "Turns out it's like, a bug zapper to them."

The teen adopted a thoughtful expression, "Makes sense. Good to know."

Soos bounded off to the next room and Wendy began to follow.

"Hey Wendy." Dipper called. His voice was its usual amiable tone, but the redhead couldn't help but think there was accusation behind it. "Thanks for bringing my backpack back here, I forgot I left it in the woods."

"Oh sure, no problem." She began to edge towards the door.

"Before you go. You haven't seen an old book around here, have you?"

"Book?" Her cheeks started to turn red.

"Yeah. I lost it earlier and haven't been able to find it." He wasn't glaring, he wasn't even frowning at her, but he had a knowing look on his face. It's as if his eyes were saying, _I know you took it. There's no point in lying. Just fess up and hand it over._

Wendy hung her head in shame and walked up to the counter. She took the journal from under her flannel and slid it across the counter. "I didn't mean to take it, but when I looked at it I got curious and things started making sense, and I was gonna give it back, but then the thing with Soos happened, and… well… yeah…"

She felt like a jerk. That book said there was no one you could trust, and she just proved it right. No one's going to trust the girl who goes through people's private junk and takes their stuff. Bracing herself for the disappointed stare of the older boy, Wendy looked up. Dipper was smiling. He flipped through the pages of his journal, giving no indication that he had even listened to her.

Apparently satisfied with the condition of his book, he set it down and smirked at the redhead in front of him. "So. You ever think your home town was weird before today?"

Taken aback by his nonchalance, Wendy just shook her head.

"What do you think now?"

"I think," She paused, choosing her words carefully. "I think there's a lot going on around here that people don't know about. And I wanna find out what."

Dipper seemed lost in thought for a moment, lightly tapping his fingers on the book. Apparently he came to a decision when he smiled at the shorter girl and slid the journal back across the counter to her. "In that case, maybe you should hang on to this."

"Really?" Her eyes widened as she reached out to grab it.

"Yes. But…" Dipper pressed down on the cover, preventing her from picking it up. "If I'm gonna let you keep it, we've gotta set up some ground rules."

"Of course. Anything."

"First off: No raising the dead. Second: No summoning demons. And third-" He leaned closer, looking at her eye-to-eye. "Keep me in the loop. This stuff can be dangerous. Some of it is _really_ dangerous. Don't just run off into the woods without telling me your plans. The info in that journal can keep you safe, but it can also get you into trouble."

He took his hand off the book and Wendy clutched it to her chest like a sacred relic. "Thanks Dipper. I promise I won't mess up." She thought for a moment and said, "But won't you need it? I see you and Mabel sneaking into the forest all the time."

"Naw, we'll be okay." Said the teen. "I've got notes and practically have it memorized anyway. Besides, I don't think either of us is going anywhere soon. If I need it, I'll know where to go."

He gave her a wink, and she gave him a brace filled smile before running out the door to tell Soos the good news. Wendy may still be the second least popular kid in school, but Dipper and Mabel didn't go to her school, did they? This summer she and Soos had two more friends, and two people they could trust.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"So you let her keep the journal?" Mabel sat on her bed, brushing her long curly hair.

"Yeah. I mean, they know this stuff is out there now, which means they'd go looking for it with or without the journal." Dipper neatened a stack of papers lying on his nightstand. "I'd rather they have it and be safe."

It was late and the twins were already in their pajamas, preparing for bed. Dipper was collecting a bundle of notebooks and loose-leaf paper. Mabel finished with her hair and put in her retainer.

"It still sounds risky to me."

"I know. But we'll be there to keep an eye on them. And we were only twelve when we started all this." Dipper walked over to his closet, pushing some clothes out of the way.

"I guess." Mabel snuggled under her covers. "Does this mean you're gonna let them in on everything? Tell them what's going on?"

Frowning, Dipper shook his head. "No. As much as I hate to admit it, Gruncle Stan is right. Some secrets just shouldn't be told."

Pulling a chain from around his neck, the teen revealed an old brass key that had hidden under his shirt. He set it in a nearly invisible hole at the back of his closet, and turned until there was a click. A false-wall swung forward revealing a series of shelves and cubbies on which were all manner of strange and magical items. Jars and potions were neatly labeled. Teeth, bones, and other specimens each had their own place. One cubby held an apparently normal flashlight with a crystal attached to it, another had a b-movie styled ray-gun and a series of glass cylinders. On the floor was the severed head of a wax Larry King. The top shelf is where Dipper put his stack of papers, next to them were two books bound in shabby red leather marked _**1**_ and _**2**_.


	2. All That Glitters Is Not Goldie

**Thank you to everyone for the kind reviews. I hope you continue to enjoy this story.**

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**.**

**All That Glitters Is Not Goldie**

**.**

The workday was over at the Mystery Shack. Soos and Wendy were in the living room watching TV (Stan had given up on trying to get the kids to leave after closing. They'd just play around on the lawn, even if he turned the sprinklers on them). Just as Duck-tective was about to reveal the murderer's identity, the duo heard a crash from down the hall. Mabel came running into the room beaming, "Hey guys! Guess what I just found!"

"A giant robot!"

"A magic amulet!"

"A frozen body!"

"A cursed videogame!"

"A dinosaur!"

"A secret door!"

"Nope-a-million!" Mabel said. "Oh wait, except for that last one. It's a secret door."

Mabel led the preteens through the halls and explained her discovery. "I was looking for some art supplies I'd left here last year, when I found it. It was behind some boxes that just fell over for no reason, certainly not because I was standing on them."

"What's going on?" The trio jumped when Dipper walked up behind them, sipping a soda.

"I found a hidden room!" Mabel answered, looking past her brother she saw Stan join them as well.

"Another one?" Dipper asked. "How many does that make now?"

"Four I think." Replied Mabel. "Unless you count the crawlspace where we found that mummified rat."

"Ah, good ol' Mumm-Rat! Always a crowd pleaser." Stan said, referring to the dried rodent in pharaoh's garb currently displayed in the museum.

"So what's in there?" Asked Wendy.

Mabel opened the door and the kids looked inside. Behind them Stan explained, "This is just a storage room where I keep the busted attractions and merch I can't sell."

The old man turned on the light and the cramped room became visible. Fake monsters, even shabbier than the ones on display, were piled together haphazardly. There were stacks of boxes everywhere, some filled with ugly t-shirts, others with defective novelties. One box was full of calendars from 2003, apparently the twelve month _Mr. Mystery Swimsuit Edition _didn't go over too well.

"Some of this stuff is pretty cool." Soos said.

"If you say so." Mabel dropped a calendar with a shudder.

"Hey what's this?" Soos asked, tugging at something stuck under a hugag.

Wendy went over to help, but screamed and dragged her friend away, "_Kill it! Kill it!_"

The others ran over. Dipper and Mabel both recoiled, but Stan looked pleased. "It's old Goldie!" He pulled it out the rest of the way and set it on the floor.

"What- what is that thing?" Wendy was standing behind Mabel, her hand still clutching Soos, ready to pull him out of the room if the monstrosity attacked.

"He's Goldie the prospector! You give him a nickel, he gives you a gold nugget. The kids love him! Why did I ever stick him back here?" Stan pushed a coin through the slot in the things mouth. It made a few stilted motions before releasing a terrible wail as black gunk oozed from its eyes. "Oh yeah, that's why. The piece of junk's busted."

"And horrifying!" Shouted Wendy. The twins nodded in agreement.

Soos, on the other hand, looked the thing over and said, "Y'know, I bet I could fix it up. Get him working like normal."

"Really?"

"Sure! Shouldn't be too hard. I think."

"Haha! I knew there was a reason I kept you around!" Stan gave the boy a noogie. "You fix him up, and he'll be back to ripping off children, just like the old days!"

Wendy exchanged a glance with the teens. At least they were as freaked out by the thing as her.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

For the rest of the day, Soos worked on Goldie. Wendy spent the afternoon with the twins since she couldn't stand being in the same room as the hideous prospector. Especially after Soos took its casings off, and the thing started screeching nonstop for an hour. When the sun went down the two twelve year olds left for their respective homes.

The next morning Wendy entered the gift shop a little after _10:00. _Soos had already been there for hours (which wasn't unusual), and by now Goldie was almost rebuilt. The boy had disassembled, cleaned, adjusted, and reassembled the entire contraption. When Stan, Dipper, and Mabel walked into his workroom, he was just screwing the panels back on the base.

"Holy moly! He hasn't looked this good since I bought him!" Stan exclaimed. "But, does he work?"

The old man produced a nickel and fed it to the machine. With a smooth whir of gears, the prospector lifted his hat, moved his arms, and allowed a stone to drop into his gold pan. Soos beamed with pride at his handiwork.

"Ha! Ya did it kid!" Stan scooped the boy up into a one-armed hug. "You are now officially my favorite! Mabel, you've got a lot of catching up to do. Dipper, you're now tied with the goat."

The teens rolled their eyes and left the room grumbling. Wendy stayed behind and, once Stan went back to work, gave her friend a high five. "Nice work dude!"

"Aww, it was nothing." Soos blushed from the praise, but couldn't remove the grin from his face.

"Just one thing." Wendy said. "I thought he was supposed to give out gold nuggets, that's just a rock."

"Oh, yeah. I didn't have any kind of nuggets, so I just filled the little compartment in there with gravel." Soos explained. "This was just a demo anyway. I'm sure Mr. Pines has some gold for Goldie to give out."

Satisfied, Wendy pulled her friend out of the room, the coin operated man still giving her the creeps.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

That night, as the twins were brushing their teeth, they heard their uncle scream in panic. When they rushed to the living room they found their Gruncle kneeling on the floor weeping. The siblings couldn't get a coherent response out of him, but they didn't have to: Goldie was gone. All that remained was his wooden base, broken wires sticking up from where the metal man had crouched.

"He's gone." Stan was finally able to murmur. "Someone kidnapped him."

"Who would do such a horrible thing?" Mabel asked.

"Who would _want_ such a horrible thing?" Dipper added.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Soos had gone to Wendy's that morning for breakfast (it turns out lumberjacks really do eat lumberjack's breakfasts), and the two walked together to the Mystery Shack. As soon as the place came into view, they knew something had happened. A police car was parked out front, and Stan was standing with a blanket draped over his shoulders and a coffee cup in hand. He was speaking (then yelling) at the sheriff and deputy before the officers drove off. The twins were guiding their Gruncle back to the living room when the preteens entered the building.

"What happened?" Wendy asked.

"Someone took him. He was kidnapped." Growled Stan.

Dipper elaborated. "Goldie. Someone broke in last night and stole it."

"What!?" Soos squawked. He ran over to where Stan stood, and fell to his knees in front of what was left behind. His hard work had been ruined. "No. Who did this?"

"That's what we're gonna find out." Dipper and Mabel swung backpacks onto their shoulders. "The police might've given up, but I haven't."

"Don't worry Gruncle Stan. We'll get him back safe." Mabel assured. "And if we can't, we'll rain fire and blood down upon those responsible."

"Thanks kids. You always know what to say." Stan gave them a brief hug and scooted them out the door.

The teens asked if Wendy and Soos wanted to come along. Wendy was inclined to accept, but she saw the state her friend was in, and knew he needed her by his side. As the older kids walked out the door, the redhead thought she heard Dipper mutter something like, "I've done more police work in three summers than they have in their entire careers. I'll show them adorable."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The rest of the day went by slowly. Stan and Soos spent most of it slumped in the recliner, eating ice cream straight from the carton. Wendy decided to leave her friend and his idol to bond in mourning. She spent her time out front watching over the shop. She didn't think Stan even owned a _Closed_ sign, so she manned the till when the occasional tourist showed up.

It was nearly dusk when the twins returned, dejected and worn out. They'd been all over town but had no luck. They had no leads. They didn't even have a motive: there were so many easier ways for all the people who hated Stan to get back at him.

With an arm around her friend's shoulder, Wendy walked Soos home before calling it a night.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Woodpeckers knocked on trees as the early morning sun lit up the Mystery Shack. Dipper and Mabel had already left, renewing their oath of rescue or vengeance. More tour groups were showing up today, so Stan carried on his role as Mr. Mystery (it's what Goldie would have wanted). With the twins gone, the two twelve year olds were left in charge of the gift shop.

Wendy managed the cash register again, since it required sitting in one place and doing the absolute minimum of work. Soos busied himself with cleaning and restocking the shelves. The redhead noticed her friend lacked his usual energy, but didn't comment. She figured the best thing right now was to keep his mind off his loss.

A tour was in progress so the shop was empty, save for the two kids. Wendy was nodding off at her post when a huge crash startled her. Seeing the source, she ran over shouting, "Soos!"

A wall of shelves had collapsed on the boy, burying him in cheap novelties. Wendy pulled her friend free. He was bruised, but fine.

"What happened?" She asked

"I donno." He said. "I was dusting the shelves when everything just toppled over."

"Weird." Wendy stooped down to examine the wreckage. Like everything in the Shack, the wood was old. The bottom front of the shelf had collapsed in on itself. It didn't seem like something simply dusting would have caused, but maybe her friend was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. After cleaning up, they both got back to work.

::::::::::::::::::::::::

Apparently Soos was always in the wrong place, and the wrong time was all day. Nearly every five minutes he'd trip, or something would fall on him. The boy had never been light on his feet, but this went beyond his usual clumsiness. Wendy started getting suspicious when a stuffed chimera collapsed, and all three of its mouths managed to latch onto him. Even Stan took notice when things started to spontaneously shatter next to the boy.

Stan passed it off as just a string of bad luck, until one of Soos' trips to the floor sent a loose floorboard into his groin. Then he concluded the boy was cursed. After lying down for half an hour, the old man figured he could turn misfortune into profit. Just as any great businessman would.

::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Step right up, folks!" Stan barked at a crowd. "And be amazed at the world's most unlucky child!"

The con man pulled aside a curtain revealing Soos on a makeshift stage. Behind the boy were a ladder, an open umbrella, and a black cat (one of Mabel's stuffed animals).

"That's right folks. This kid is a lightning rod of misfortune. Don't get to close! Even I wasn't safe from the dark shadow that follows him!" Mr. Mystery gestured at how heavily he was leaning on his cane.

The crowd gasped and started snapping pictures. Soos just stood there feeling awkward.

"Fun fact, folks." Stan continued. "If you throw money, all your bad luck will go with it and latch onto him. You'll only have good luck left!"

"That makes perfect sense!" Someone in the group shouted as they all threw crumpled bills and coins at the boy.

The old codger laughed as the tourists dispersed. He gathered up the money until a stone flew through the air and hit Soos in the gut. "Hey! I said throw money, not rocks!"

Soos was on the floor groaning, clutching his stomach.

"Er. Why don't you take five, kid." Stan said, inching away. "Walk it off, or something."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

By midafternoon the twins had returned. Wendy saw them walk up the path with someone who they ushered through the back door. Curious, the preteen went to find them. In the hallway she heard the parlor door click shut, she tried the handle but it was locked. About to knock, she paused when she made out some muted voices:

_"We know you did it! Tell us the truth!" _That was Mabel.

_"I didn't do anything. I swear!"_ She couldn't recognize that voice. It must be the stranger.

_"LIAR!"_

_ "You'd better answer the questions. You don't want to make my sister here angry, do you?"_ Dipper.

There was some muffled talking, incoherent shouting, then sobbing. The door flew open, and the strange little man who owned the local tabloid ran out. From behind him Mabel hollered, "Get outta here! And don't try ta skip town!"

"Oh, hey Wendy!" When the brunette saw her younger friend a smile replaced her scowl, and it was like the previous altercation never happened.

"Hey squirt. How are Stan and Soos holding up?" Dipper joined the girls in the hall.

"Um… They're doing alright."

"Well, that's better than us." Dipper said. "Another lead. Another dead-end."

Wendy nodded silently as Dipper pulled out a slip of paper and crossed something off.

"We'd better get back out there if we wanna make it through Stan's _Enemies List_." The boy nudged his sister. "I get to play bad-cop this time."

"Aww, boo!" Mabel whined, but followed her twin outside.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Back in the gift shop Wendy took her place at the register. As the girl scooted her stool closer, she kicked something soft.

"Ouch!" Underneath the counter was Soos.

"What are you doing down there?"

"Hiding dude." The boy said. "It's the only safe place I could find!"

"It doesn't seem very safe. Unless you wanna get kicked a lot."

"I can't go anywhere without something bad happening to me. It's like someone's out to get me."

"Soos, you're just having some bad luck. Nobody's out to…" Wendy paused as what she was saying registered. "…get you. Get _you!_ Whoever took Goldie wasn't after Stan. They were trying to hurt you!"

The redhead gripped her friends shoulder and surveyed the empty room. "We gotta get you out of here."

As she pulled him to the door, the boy said, "But who'd want to do anything to me? I'm, like, the loveable comic relief."

"I donno man, but it's the only thing that fits." She grabbed the knob, but it wouldn't budge. Someone didn't want them, or specifically Soos, to leave.

They turned and flew for the house section. The door to the backyard was bolted as well. Wendy dragged Soos into the floor room. The large open space was empty, waiting for the next event or attraction the Mystery Shack would host. Stumbling down the short flight of stairs, the duo ran to the exit. Stuck, like the others. Before they could turn back, the kids heard the door to the hallway slam.

Wendy and Soos turned to face their captor. There, peering at them through the railing, was Goldie.

"He's back?" Soos asked. "But how?"

"Because he never left." Answered Wendy. "Isn't that right, Goldie?"

"What're you talking about dude?"

"Goldie wasn't stolen. He's alive. I knew you couldn't trust anything that creepy." Never taking her eyes of the mechanical prospector, the girl addressed it again. "You were the one tripping up Soos all day. Why?"

"_To get rid of him!"_ He screeched. The thing's voice was like a record being scratched by the needle.

"But why dude?" Soos asked. "I fixed you up. Why do you wanna get rid of me?"

"_Because you are trying to replace me!"_ Goldie howled.

"I don't understand."

"_You are trying to take Stan from me!"_

Losing her patience, Wendy yelled, "What's Stan go to do with any of this?"

"_He is my husband!"_

"What?!" The two preteens shouted with shocked expressions.

Still crouched at the top of the stairs, Goldie explained, "_Three years ago, Stan and I got married in Las Vegas. We were happy together, we were two halves of the same whole, we were going to spend our golden years together. But then something changed. He lost interest. He put me away, and a few years later I find him fawning over some chubby child!"_

"Hey!" Soos shouted. "Wendy's not chubby! That's just baby fat."

The girl elbowed him in the ribs, "He's talking about you, dummy."

"Oh… Hey!"

_ "Enough!" _The brass man screamed. "_I gave you the chance to leave, but you wouldn't go. You clung to him tighter! But after I've killed you, Stan will only have me to love!"_

"Dude. That is all kinds of messed up." Wendy said.

"Yeah. I think you're really, like, misinterpreting the relationship between me and Mr. Pines." Soos added. "Also, have you ever talked to him about any of this? Y'know, gone to couples counseling, or whatever?"

"_Silence! You will die, and I'll have my husband back!" _

Coiled wires writhed like tentacles underneath the prospector, lifting him into the air. He half-slithered, half-walked across the wide room. The two kids tried to put as much distance as they could between themselves and the cursed machine. Wendy looked around desperately for anything to defend themselves with. Table? Too big. Chairs? Maybe, but how much damage could the rickety things do? Fire hose? She didn't think the monster ran on electricity, maybe it would slow it down. Fire axe? _Why the heck hadn't she seen the fire axe first?_!

Wendy left her friend's side and sprinted for the axe. She grabbed it just as she heard a scream. Soos was dangling up-side-down, a tentacle wrapped around his ankles. She ran at Goldie and swung at the offending appendage. Thick black ichor flowed from the wound as Soos fell to the ground. The brass monster screamed in pain and lashed out at both kids. Wendy slashed and batted away any coil that came close to her. Soos, meanwhile, had picked up a chair and was enacting his lifelong dream (since Tuesday) of being a lion tamer.

The kids were wearing Goldie down. His remaining tentacles could barely support him, and he couldn't strike at the preteens without collapsing. Wendy saw their advantage and acted. Lifting her axe high, she threw it overhand as hard as she could. The blade bit into the monster's neck and severed his head completely. The body collapsed into a fit of spasms, as black gore seeped from the gaping wound. A final wail erupted from the head before it was silenced for good.

Exhausted, the kids slumped on the wall behind them. After a minute of silence Soos crossed his arms and said, "I guess that's why they say you should let what happens in Vegas, stay in Vegas."

Wendy just stared at her friend before saying, "Seriously dude? We almost just died."

Kicking at the ground, the boy pouted and said, "Dang it! I never know the right time to deliver a cool one-liner. And I was saving that up through the whole fight too."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Okay. We still haven't found Goldie," Dipper said as he, Mabel, and Stan walked up to the back porch. "But, we did find out some other stuff."

"The owner of _Hermanos Brothers_ has been spitting in your food." Mabel revealed.

"Sprot has been selling you deformed meat."

"The mailman's the one who let that bear in the house."

"Toby Determined has been siphoning gas from your car."

"It was Lazy Susan who sent you that ear in the mail (we still don't know who it belonged to)."

"And we're pretty sure Pizza Guy is planning to kill you."

"Great. Everyone in town is out to get me. Tell me something I don't know." Stan grumbled. "And what the heck's wrong with this door?!"

He finally forced the entrance open with his shoulder. As the trio entered, they saw Soos and Wendy walk out of the floor room.

"What are you two knuckleheads doing?" Stan asked.

Wendy stiffened and stuffed something behind her back. "Nothing! And there's absolutely no reason to go into that room!"

The old man cocked an eyebrow, but before he could say anything, Soos jumped into the conversation. "Goldie turned out to be evil and tried to kill me, but Wendy saved the day!"

The redhead smacked her forehead with a palm, but revealed the machine's severed head from behind her.

"Goldie!" Stan shouted. "What happened to you?"

Mentally prepared for accusations of wanton destruction, the girl was surprised when Dipper spoke first, "So, he was in the Shack the whole time?"

"Uh, yeah."

The twins shared a glance before Mabel continued, "So it wasn't a kidnapping, it was… _murder!"_

"And you found the _actual_ crime scene."

"Uh…" Wendy's confusion cleared up when both twins started giving her exaggerated winks. "Yeah. That's what happened."

Catching on, Soos elaborated the lie, "Yeah, Wendy was all lookin' for clues and stuff, trying to figure out who-done-it."

"It was probably one of the tourists." The girl finished. "Trying to steal his nuggets."

"Darn tourists! If it wasn't for their money, I'd run 'em outa town!" Stan growled. "Oh well. Maybe it's for the best. I'd forgot how creepy that piece of junk was anyway."

The twins gave Wendy a thumbs up from behind their Gruncle's back. The redhead just sighed, glad to get out of the situation alive and unpunished.

"So, you figured that all out on your own?" Stan asked the girl.

"Yeah. I guess."

"Good job, kiddo." The old man said, ruffling her pig-tails. "Looks like you just beat Dipper to tie with the goat."

After Stan walked out of the room, Wendy asked, "Does he really keep score of who his favorite is?"

"Yep." Mabel answered. "He posts it on the fridge every Friday."

"Weird."


	3. Corner Store Curse

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**Corner Store Curse **

**.**

It was a slow afternoon at the Mystery Shack. Dipper and Mabel were going through the motions of working, Wendy was reading the journal, and Soos was trying to fix the vending machine. That machine seemed to break down every week, but Wendy noticed Mabel always managed to get snacks from it. Maybe it was something worth investigating, then again, the teenage girl was a mystery that went beyond even Gravity Falls' standards.

Stan walked into the gift shop, so Wendy dropped the book and picked up a broom to look busy. "All right you freeloaders, I'm heading out. Dipper. Mabel. You two keep an eye on things."

The twins gave a bored, "Yep, sure," in response as the old man walked through the door.

"And remember kids," Stan said, "If the cops ask-"

"You were here the whole time." The four finished.

"Heh, stay outa trouble."

When they heard the car screech out of the drive, Mabel said, "Hey guys, wanna see something cool?"

She and Dipper walked over to a curtain in the corner, "Boosh! Secret ladder to the roof!"

"Can we really go up there?" Wendy asked.

"Sure we can." Dipper said.

"I don't know guys, are you sure Mr. Pines won't mind?" Soos wrung his hands nervously.

"Nah!" Mabel shouted and blew a raspberry. "C'mon, roof time! Roof time!"

"Roof time! Roof time!" Dipper took up the chant, followed by Wendy.

Before Soos could object any more, the three had already started climbing. The boy looked around the empty Shack nervously before trailing after them.

:::::::::::::::::

When they caught up to the twins, Wendy and Soos saw a cooler and lawn chairs on a ledge overlooking the parking lot.

"Did you guys put all this up here?" Wendy asked.

"We like to sit out here from time to time." Answered Dipper.

"Like when we should be working. Or doing chores. Or Gruncle Stan is getting creative with his cooking." Mabel added.

"Why is there a bull's-eye taped up there?" Soos pointed at the totem pole across the lawn.

"This is why!" From behind the cooler Mabel pulled out a loaded crossbow.

It was around this point that Wendy realized it was only a few weeks ago that something like this would have seemed utterly bizarre, if not downright cartoonish. She was shaken out of her thoughts by a loud _Thwak!_ and the sight of a dart sticking dead center in the target.

"Okay, okay. Let me show you how a pro does it." Dipper took the bow from his sister and nocked a new bolt into place. _Thwak!_ The dart hit just within the last circle of the bull's-eye.

"Hah!" Mabel stuck her tongue out at her twin.

"Yeah, yeah." Dipper grumbled. "You wanna have a go?"

Wendy was surprised by the offer, but held out her hands to accept the dangerous weapon being used without adult supervision. Only once she was holding it did the preteen realize she had no idea how to use a crossbow. Dipper understood and kneeled down to show her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and guided her hands. She was vaguely aware that he was explaining what was what and how to hold it, but she was distracted by the sudden heat rushing to her cheeks, and the fact that her heart and stomach apparently wanted to trade places.

"…And then you just squeeze the lever, and-" _Thwak!Crash!_ Wendy was jerked out of her inexplicable haze by the sound of property damage.

"Nice shot!" Mabel said with genuine approval.

"You're a natural." Dipper smiled down at her, and held his fist out for a bump.

Immediately the heat returned to her face and she couldn't move. All she could do was stare at the boy standing over her, with that cute smile and those warm brown eyes. His broad shoulders and wiry muscles. And did he always smell this good? Why does he smell good?

Dipper's smile faltered a little as he asked self-consciously, "Do- do kids not do knucks anymore? Is this not cool anymore?"

Wendy shook off her mysterious paralysis and connected her fist to Dipper's. His smile returned to normal as he rubbed his now bruised hand.

The crunching of gravel alerted the four of an approaching vehicle. A dinged-up white minivan pulled into the parking lot and honked its horn.

"Ooh, friends!" Mabel shouted, before she jumped off the roof. She latched onto the tree below their secret spot, and swung from branch to branch like a gymnast. Upon reaching the ground, she ran over to the vehicle's open door.

"I guess that's our cue." Dipper watched his sister, then turned back to his younger friends. "You two think you can close up shop without us?"

Before Soos could voice any concerns, Wendy said, "Sure! No problem."

"Thanks guys." Dipper grinned at the duo before jumping off the roof like his twin. "If Stan asks, we were leading the feds on a snipe hunt!"

As the teen ran to the van, Wendy shouted, "Bye guys! Bye Dipper!"

"Uh-oh!" Soos said from behind her with a grin.

"What?"

"Somebody's in love!" The boy poked his friend in the side.

"Wha-? Yeah, right!" Wendy crossed her arms indignantly. "I just think Dipper's cool is all. It's not like I lie awake thinking about him."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Darkness shrouded the Corduroy household. The snores of her father and brothers, which usually lulled Wendy to sleep, just made the room rattle around her. She had tossed and turned on her bed from the moment she laid down. Her mind was racing a mile-a-minute, but there was a common theme through all her thoughts: Dipper. The girl lay on her back, blankets kicked away, when the realization struck her. She was in love with Dipper.

"Crap."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Random dance party for no reason!" Mabel shouted, before turning on the stereo.

She and Soos began moving to the techno beats playing. Even Dipper was making some stilted motions that might be considered dancing. Wendy, on the other hand, decided to stay put at the other side of the shop. The girl had been making an effort to act cooler and more mature that day (she'd even worn her hair down, instead of in her usual pig-tails), and she wasn't about to embarrass herself now.

"Wendy!" Mabel said. "Don't you wanna get in on this?"

"I don't exactly dance." The redhead answered.

"What about the _Funny Bunny Hop_?" Soos asked.

"Now is not the time to talk about the _Bunny Hop_." The girl hissed.

"Ooh! What's the _Funny Bunny Hop_?" Mabel asked Soos.

"Back in our first grade school play, Wendy played Ms. Funny Bunny." The boy said, pulling a photo from his wallet. "That was the song and dance she did."

The two teens leaned over to look at the picture. There was a younger Wendy, dressed in a bunny suit, hopping around on stage.

"Oh man, that's brutal." Dipper chuckled.

Wendy's cheeks were bright red. "Why do you even have that picture of me in your wallet?"

"It's not a picture of you, it's of me. You're just in there too." Soos explained and turned back to the twins. "I played Background Tree #4."

Sure enough, there was little Soos, his head sticking out of a cardboard tree trunk. The boy put the photo away, while his friend desperately tried to murder him with her brain.

A car horn sounded from outside. Dipper looked at his watch, then said to his sister, "Quitin' time."

"Woop-woop!" The girl ran from the gift shop to the family room, yelling for her Gruncle Stan.

"What're you guys doing?" Wendy asked.

"We're gonna go out with our friends again." Answered Dipper.

"Maybe I- WE- could come with you?"

Looking his younger friends up and down, the boy said, "I don't know. Our friends can get kinda intense. How old are you guys again?"

Soos was about to answer, but the redhead cut him off. "We're thirteen. So, y'know, technically teenagers."

Dipper smirked and said, "Alright, I like your gumption kid. Lemme grab my stuff."

"Gumption?"

Counting on his fingers, Soos asked, "When did we turn thirteen? Did I forget how to math again?"

"C'mon." The girl nudged her friend. "This is our chance to hang out with Dipper- and Mabel!- and the cool kids."

"Oh! I know what's going on here!"

"No you don't."

"You just wanna spend time with your _boyfriend_."

"Stop it!"

"You dorks ready?!" Mabel bounced back into the room, followed by her brother.

The two 'thirteen' year olds nodded.

"Then let's go!" The brunette ran outside. "Woosh!"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Outside, four teens were standing around the dingy van from yesterday. Mabel ran ahead and started a conversation. When the others caught up she said, "Hey everybody! These are our pals from work, Soos and Wendy."

Dipper continued the introductions, "This is Candy and Grenda." The small Korean girl and large brunette waved. "This is Gorney." The pudgy boy smiled, but had an otherwise vacant look on his face. "And that's Pacifica, you can probably figure out her deal."

"Pacifica Northwest, of the Gravity Falls Northwests." The blonde said with a bored attitude. "I'm the one who commissioned the new statue in the park."

"Oh!" Wendy chimed in. "The one of the old lady?"

"Um. It's a sculpture of _me_."

Candy and Grenda giggled, "It does kinda look like an old lady."

Pacifica shot the redhead a death-glare. Wendy flashed what she hoped was an apologetic smile. Things weren't starting out too good.

"Okay people, let's get going." Dipper shouted.

"Yeah, Dipper's got some big nerd thing planned for us tonight!" Mabel added.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The kids drove for about ten minutes until they reached a series of abandoned lots at the edge of town. Dipper instructed Gorney to park next to a fence that surrounded the only building in sight.

"There it is. The old abandoned convenience store." Dipper told his friends as they peered at the derelict shop. "Rumors are that it's haunted."

"Is it safe?" Wendy asked.

"Nope!" The boy answered with a grin. "And definitely illegal."

"I'm in!" Grenda shouted. "Breaking and entering is always cool!" She was already giving Candy a boost up the fence. The rest of the group followed suit.

Soos had a little trouble making it over, but Wendy solved this with a quick shove to the back, before jumping down herself. The only one left at the top was Pacifica. "Dipper, could you be a dear and help me down?"

The boy rolled his eyes, but held up his arms for the blonde to jump into.

"Thank you, darling." Wendy noticed the older girl's hand lingered on his shoulder a little longer than was necessary.

When they'd all gathered around the entrance, Dipper tried the door, "Locked."

"Let me give it a shot." Wendy said, walking to the boy's side.

"Oh yeah." Pacifica scoffed. "I'm sure with her superior redneck strength, she can just rip the doors off their hinges."

Wendy glared at the older girl, cheeks turning pink. Without saying a word, she ran to the corner of the shop, and shimmied up the drainpipe like a squirrel. On the roof, she broke through a grate and crawled into the vents. The teens below yelled for her to stop, but she was already gone.

Pacifica pulled out her phone, smirking, "So who's gonna call the fire department to come get her out of there?"

That's when the door opened with a jingle of its bell. _Okay Wendy, you got inside, now say something cool. "_I got inside." _StupidStupidStupidStupid!_

Even without an awesome one-liner, the teens were impressed. Candy said, "Good call bringing this party-girl."

"Your new name is Admiral Awesomesauce!" Grenda added.

Gorney gave her a thumbs-up, and Mabel and Soos gave her high fives. Pacifica said nothing, but Dipper gave her a jab on the shoulder, "Nice work."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The interior of the shop was dark. Hushed exclamations came from the kids as they split off into smaller groups to explore the aisles. Wendy, Soos, and Pacifica followed after Dipper as he headed for the back. They stopped at row of switches that Dipper idly flicked up. The boy was surprised when the lights came on. "Why is this place still on the electric grid?"

Looking around, the group saw rows of stocked shelves. Aside from a thick layer of dust, the shop looked like it was still open. The rest of the teens joined them before Wendy asked, "So, what do we do now?"

"Anything we want." Mabel said with a grin.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The kids started out by gorging themselves on junk food. Candy found some packets of balloons, and they filled them up with soft-serve to have an ice cream fight. They took all the bottles of Diet Pitt and Mintoes to make soda geysers. When their sugar high kicked in, Wendy and Soos chased each other through the aisles, before stopping at the beverage section.

"No way!" Soos shouted. "They have Bull-Sip energy drinks! I thought this stuff was banned."

"Maybe it was for a good reason." Wendy said, eyeing at the caution tape covering the fridge.

Ignoring his friend, Soos took out a twelve-pack and started drinking. The redhead was going to tell him to be careful, when an ice cream balloon hit the back of her head. Laughing, the girl ran back to the others.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

After about an hour, everyone had calmed down and split up into twos or threes. Dipper and Wendy had settled on top of the center shelf, eating ice-pops.

"This night's been awesome so far." Dipper said.

"Yeah?" Wendy started to grin.

"Yeah. It turned out there was something here for everyone. I'm glad you guys wanted to come along, you're a lot of fun."

The girl just blushed and muttered something incoherent. After composing herself, she said, "Too bad there weren't any ghosts though."

"Sometimes you find something, sometimes you don't. This place is still plenty weird without being haunted."

"Like how?"

"Well, the power's still on and the merchandise is still here. You'd think they'd empty out the building before shutting down. Plus, everything here is still fresh. Even Hoho-Jojos should spoil after seventeen years."

Their conversation was interrupted when Grenda shouted, "Hey everybody! Gorney's gonna chug an entire gallon of mayonnaise!"

Dipper nudged Wendy, "We're not gonna want to miss this."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The night was winding down, and the sugar was wearing off. Everyone agreed that it was about time to leave. Wendy pulled an unresponsive Soos out from a pile of Bull-Sip cans (he muttered something about wings, and flying with the narwhals), and dragged him over to the rest of the group.

Mabel walked to the door and pushed, "It's stuck."

Grenda came up and tried as well. It wouldn't budge. Two bags of chips smacked the girls from behind, causing them to shout, "Hey!" They turned to yell at the thrower, but noticed the rest of the teens had turned pale. Snack foods were floating in the air, slowly circling the friends. All at once, junk food started pelting the kids, making them run for cover. Wendy pushed Soos into a cabinet, keeping him out of the line of fire, and rejoined the others, "What's going on?"

Before anyone could answer, the lights shut off. It took several seconds for their eyes to adjust to the dark. Taking a deep breath, Dipper approached the doors, Mabel following after him.

"Let me try something." Steeling himself, the boy lifted his arm and incanted, "_Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen! Fennas nogothrim, lasto beth lammen!" _When nothing happened he shook the doorhandles and shouted, _"Edro, edro! _Darnit, that usually works!_"_

_ "Melon! Melon!"_ Mabel tried, pounding on the glass._ "_Uh, uh…_ expelliarmus!" _

The friends huddled together again when they heard a scuttling sound. Soos appeared form behind a shelf doing a backwards crabwalk, green foam dripping from his mouth.

"Oh my god! He's possessed!" Mabel screamed.

"No, wait!" Wendy yelled back. "It's okay! He always does that when he's had too much caffeine."

Soos' head then turned 180 degrees before he climbed up a wall and onto the ceiling.

"Oh. Never mind. He's possessed."

"What's going on?" Pacifica yelled. "What's doing this?"

In answer, the lights came back on, and three ghosts floated before the group. There were two boys and a girl, each in their teens and wearing 90's fashion. While their friends screamed, Dipper and Mabel adopted expressions of tense caution, but didn't back away from the specters.

"S'up." Said one of the male ghosts. "I'm Jeffy Fresh, and this is Byrone and Rosie."

Dipper was the first to speak, moving slightly in front of his sister. "Why'd you lock the door?"

"'Cause we're bored, yo." Said Byrone. "We've been stuck here for years with no one to hang with."

"You ever been cooped up with only the same two people to talk to?" Rosie added. "I'm bugg'n out!"

"Why are you even here?" Dipper asked. "Why are you haunting this place?"

"It happened a long time ago." Byrone explained. "This was our hangout. But the lame old couple who owned the place decided to ban teenagers. So, we went and had a protest in the parking lot. I guess we shoulda done it on the sidewalk, since we didn't hear the truck coming. Now that we were ghosts, we figured those old farts couldn't keep us out anymore, so we stayed. We didn't know they'd end up shuttin' the place down."

"What are you gonna do with us?" Mabel asked.

"We just wanna chill with you guys for a while."

"How long?"

"I donno. Forever I guess."

The teens panicked and scattered around the store, looking for a way out. Candy and Grenda tried going through the back, but were blocked by Jeffy Fresh. "Yo, how'd you guys get the soda bottles to squirt like that?"

Candy's voice trembled as she explained, "The rough surface of the Mintoes gives it a large surface area for CO₂ bubbles to form, pushing the liquid up. The artificial sweeteners in diet soda give the liquid less surface tension, causing a bigger reaction."

The ghost gave them a blank look for a second before saying, "Cool, cool. Hey wanna see something rad?"

He snapped his fingers and the two girls found themselves floating in a pink ocean. Looking up, the saw the ghost had become giant, staring down at them through a distorted sky. No, not a giant ghost, they had shrunk and were in a soda bottle.

"Aww, man." Jeffy said. "I thought it would get all fizzy. You chicks hang tight, I'll get some mints and we'll have a whole waterpark thing goin' on."

Gorney had hidden behind the arcade game when Byrone found him. "Aw yeah man! This game is tight. Check out the awesome graphics."

The pudgy boy was sucked through the screen, and a pixilated version of himself started running across the two-dimensional landscape. He managed to avoid the rolling barrels and spike traps, but couldn't jump over a gaping chasm. As he fell into the darkness, he yelled, "Remember me!"

Dipper had pulled Wendy and the unconscious Soos under the soda fountain. Mabel and Pacifica crouched down at the opposite side of the store. Jeffy Fresh floated back to the front and said, "Hey, where's that blonde bombshell at?"

He looked around and spotted her. "Hey baby, what's the 4-1-1?"

"Step off bro, I saw her first!" Byrone pushed his friend out of the way.

"Not likely!" Jeffy pushed back.

As the boys floated off in a shoving match, Rosie hovered down to the two girls. "See the kinda things I gotta deal with?"

"Yeah, that's rough." Mabel chuckled nervously, while Pacifica stood behind her, clutching her sweater.

"So, hey." Rosie said. "Where'd that cutie in the vest run off to?"

"You leave my brother alone, you ectoplasmic hussy!" The twin glared.

"I don't like your attitude." The ghost's eyes narrowed.

"Well, I don't like your face!" Mabel shouted. "Left hook!"

The brunette's fist went straight through Rosie's head. The ghost said, "Girl, you need to chill-out."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Shaking away a sudden sense of dizziness, Mabel looked around to see that she was in a snow covered wasteland. A groan from the ground told her that Pacifica was with her.

"Where are we?" The blonde asked.

Mabel made another sweep of the landscape before a crinkling sound made her look down. She was standing on some kind of frost covered paper. Brushing away the ice, the word _Fudgeicle_ became clear. The two were in the ice cream freezer. "I'm okay with this."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Back in the shop, Dipper only saw his twin disappear. He stood up and shouted, "Hey! What did you do with my sister?"

Rosie looked at him, and he was lifted off the floor. The other ghosts had finished their argument and floated towards him.

"She'll be fine." Byrone said.

"Yeah, relax man." Added Jeffy.

"We're just tryin' to have a good time." Rosie winked at him.

"Look. We don't wanna be here. Just let my friends go so we can leave."

"You're not goin' anywhere. We've been stuck here forever, and now we finally have new peeps to hang with."

"Yeah, we've been watching you all night. You guys are cool." Jeffy said. "And only the cool kids are allowed in our store."

Wendy frantically flipped through the journal. It said ghosts always have a reason to haunt a place, but what are you supposed to do when that reason is to kidnap you? The night had started out so great too. She'd hung out with Dipper, was accepted by his friends, she was with all the cool kids. _Cool kids._

The redhead groaned as an idea hit her. _So much for impressing Dipper._ She thought, as she tied her hair up into pig-tails. _By the time this is through, I'll be lucky if he can even look at me without laughing._ She left her hiding spot and waited for the ghosts to notice her.

"Oh, hey. There's another one." Byrone said. "S'up."

Wendy took a deep breath and started to sing:

"_Oh what's a funny bunny do? Do!_

_She hops around from me to you! You!_

_It's the Funny Bunny Hop! Hop!_

_The Funny Bunny Hop! Hop!_

_She twitches her nose, _

_And wiggles her tail,_

_And then her ears go flop! Flop!_

_That's what funny bunnies do! Do!_

_They hop for me and for you! You!_

_It's the Funny Bunny Hop! Hop!_

_The Funny Bunny Hop! Hop!_

_And now it's time to stop. STOP!"_

The redhead finished her dance and looked at her audience. Each of the ghosts wore a confused expression.

"Who is this kid?" Jeffy asked Dipper.

"She's our friend Wendy." The twin said, still floating.

The teen specters exchanged looks before dropping the boy. "Maybe you guys aren't as cool as we thought."

"I don't think we wanna hang out with you anymore."

The ghosts disappeared and the other teens took their place, mostly unharmed. "Ugh, what happened?" Asked Gorney.

"Guys, it was crazy." Dipper said.

Wendy's face was red, and she turned away from the group.

"Wendy totally outsmarted those ghosts!" The boy continued. "She figured out how to trick them into letting us go."

The teens murmured their thanks and praise, too tired to ask for any details. The redhead looked at Dipper to see him drawing a zipper over his mouth. She repeated the motion and smiled.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

On returning to the van, most of the kids went straight to sleep on their seats, except for Soos who was still vibrating from the energy drinks. Outside, Dipper said to Wendy, "Crazy night, huh? Maybe next time we should just do some regular teenage stuff, and leave the paranormal stuff for the four of us."

"Next time?" Wendy asked.

"Yeah, you're pretty cool for a twelve-year-old."

"Yeah, well- Wait! I'm not- I'm-" The girl stuttered, but Dipper gave her a knowing wink.

"Let's get outta here."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The gang dropped Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, and Soos off at the Mystery Shack. The four walked into the rickety building, when Dipper said, "Wait. What time is it? Don't you guys have, like, a curfew or something?"

"I told my dad I was staying over at Soos'." Wendy answered.

"And I told my abuelita I was sleeping over here." The boy added. "'Cause that's what Wendy told me we were doing."

"Woo! Slumber party!" Mabel yelled.

Dipper rolled his eyes, "Let's skip the 'party' part for now."

The two preteens moved towards the recliner, but were stopped by the older girl. "Nope! Gruncle Stan will get all grumpy if he finds out you slept here."

"_I'm not running a bed and breakfast here!"_ Her brother said, imitating their uncle.

"_On second thought, yes I am! Now pay up."_ She finished.

"Let's get you guys settled upstairs." Dipper led them to the attic.

With two sleeping bags on the floor, the friends said their goodnights. The caffeine had finally worn off, and Soos was out like a light. Wendy was exhausted, the stress of the day had caught up to her, and all she wanted to do was sleep. She turned over and looked at the bed next to her. The bed where Dipper was sleeping. In the same room. Only a few feet away. She was gonna spend the night lying awake again, wasn't she?


	4. Hobnobbin' With Hobgoblins

**Thanks again for the awesome reviews! **

**.**

**Hobnobbin' With Hobgoblins**

**.**

The floor room of the Mystery Shack was being decked out for a party. Wendy idly blew up balloons, while the twins hung streamers. As he pushed a table into place, Soos asked, "So, whose birthday is it Mr. Pines?"

"No ones." Stan said. "I just figured this party would be a good way to get kids to spend more money at the Shack."

"Gruncle Stan." Dipper interrupted. "Didn't you receive a court-order forbidding you from hosting parties after what happened last time?"

"Lousy interfering judge. One little grease fire, and suddenly you're a 'public menace.'" The old man muttered. "Fortunately, I found a loophole."

"What kinda loophole?" Mabel asked, jumping off a stepladder.

"The order only says that _I_ can't host a party." He explained. "That's why, in the eyes of the law, _Dipper_'s running this shindig. Meaning all legal responsibilities and consequences fall on him. I'll just be at the door, taking the money."

Dipper moaned and buried his face in his hands, "Gruncle Stan, why would you do this to me?"

"Because life's terrible." The conman said, turning back to his work. "Better you learn that now than later."

"Mabel. Do you know where I left my anxiety medication?" The boy groaned.

"The last I saw, it was with my ADD meds."

"Well, where are those?"

"No clue!" The brunette pranced to the other side of the room.

"Hey, relax. It's not like anything bad is gonna happen, right?" Wendy said, patting the boy on the back. A crash from behind made them turn. Soos' leg had broken through the DJ stage set in the corner. "I'm okay!" the preteen shouted, as Mabel tried to pull him free. With a louder crack, both kids fell completely through the stage. "I'm not okay."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dipper paced back and forth with a clipboard in hand, gnawing on a pen. "Okay. Gruncle Stan is covering ticket sales, and isn't allowed inside the building while the party lasts."

The old man pulled a chair out the door, along with an armful of snacks and drinks.

"Mabel, you'll be DJing."

"All right! I've got an awesome playlist picked out. Then I thought instead of regular karaoke, we'll have like, a talent contest/open mike thing. And we'll have some kinda trophy, or prize, or…"

"Yeah, okay. Whatever." Dipper cut off his sister. Mabel stuck her tongue at him, but he didn't notice. "Soos, you're with me. We'll be keeping an eye on things: refilling refreshments, preventing lawsuits, that sort of thing."

The chubby tween's face fell, "Aw, really dude? I was kinda hoping this was my chance to meet some new people. I've even been learning dance moves off the internet." He began moon-walking in front of the others.

Before Dipper could answer, Wendy spoke, "I could help you run things."

"Are you sure you're up for that?" Dipper gave her an appraising look. "I'd need you by my side the entire night. Just the two of us. Away from the crowd. No distractions. Only each other for company."

"I can totally handle it." She shot him a brace filled grin.

"Okay. You're in." He tossed her a clip-on bowtie. "Suit up."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

Mabel offered Wendy the use of her bedroom and makeup to get 'dolled up' before the party. After showing her where everything was, the older girl left the room with an unsubtle wink. Wendy looked at the arrayed tubes of pastes and powders with a baffled expression. She hadn't worn makeup since she was six, and that was only while playing dress-up.

Now regretting running around the woods that morning, the girl looked herself in the mirror. Not too bad. She hadn't gotten sweaty enough for her hair to get matted or gross, her skin looked clear. Maybe she was overthinking this. She lifted her arm and sniffed. Nope. Not good. She wanted to use tonight to get closer to Dipper. Maybe even ask him to dance. No one wants to dance with the smelly kid.

Mabel had a variety of perfumes (most of them candy scented). But Wendy felt that, somehow, smelling like his sister wasn't the best way to attract a guy. The redhead usually just used one of her brothers' deodorants. Rummaging around in her backpack, she came up with a can of _Acks Body-Spray_. Smelling like a boy's locker room didn't really seem like the best way to attract a guy either (don't ask how she knew what the boy's locker room smelled like). Sighing in defeat, Wendy sprayed one of Mabel's florally perfumes under her left arm, and the _Acks_ under her right. Good enough.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The doors to the party wouldn't be opened for another thirty minutes, but kids were already lined up outside to buy tickets. Stan laughed to himself as he stuffed more money into the lockbox next to him, a sucker was born every minute, and a disproportionate number of them were born in Gravity Falls. The old man called out for the next in line, and was surprised when a pair of men in suits walked up. _Trouble._

"Stanford Pines?" One of the men asked.

"Aren't you two a little old for a party like this?" Stan sat back in his chair, crossing his arms.

Ignoring the comment, the second man handed him an official looking paper and said, "We're from the county courthouse. There is concern that you're in violation of Judge Hufterfruftershire's orders."

"Lousy Judge." Stan muttered under his breath. He then adopted his best showman's grin and said. "No, no, gentlemen. You're mistaken. This is just a small private party being hosted by my nephew. I'm not involved in the slightest."

"Then what's all this?" The suited man gestured at the ticket stand.

"This? I'm just out here asking for _voluntary donations._ To help support the business, ya know." Stan lowered his voice so the kids in line wouldn't hear the word 'voluntary.'

"And these flyers? They're posted all over town, and they don't mention your nephew."

"Sure they do." The old man grabbed one of the papers and a magnifying glass from under the table. Holding them both out, the lawyers could read the words _-This party is the sole idea and responsibility of Dipper Pines-_ sandwiched beneath the clipart deer on the flyer.

"Well then. Everything appears to be in order." The man said, while his partner opened a briefcase. "We'll just need you to wear this ankle bracelet to ensure you don't enter the building before the party is over."

"Wait. What?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wendy finished her preening. She looked about the same, except for the bowtie, but at least she wasn't smelly. While opening the door, a rattling sound made her pause. She turned, trying to pinpoint the noise. There, from the wall on Mabel's side of the room. Walking closer, Wendy wasn't sure what to expect, but it definitely wasn't whispering. Behind the wall were a dozen hushed voices, and more rattling. The girl found a crack between the boards and peered through.

Inside the attic wall were scores of tiny people. They were as tall as a soda can, and looked like hairy old men. Most sat and talked, but others staggered around drunkenly, or lay passed out on the floor. Wendy found the source of the rattling, two orange prescription bottles were being passed around, the creatures shaking out pills to split amongst themselves.

Wendy left the bedroom and consulted the journal, flipping through the pages until she found a picture that matched what she saw:

_Hobgoblins_

_ Mischievous house-spirits who take up residence in human dwellings, usually unbeknownst to the homeowner. Largely benign, they are firm believers of fair compensation. In exchange for the shelter and food they take, Hobgoblins perform small favors and household tasks. Anything they take will be replaced with something they consider to be of equal value. They will also repay insults with pranks, ranging from annoying to harmful. Stay on their good side. _

The rest of the text was a jumble of scribbled notes and codes. They sounded harmless enough, she could worry about them after the party. The party! She had to get down there to help Dipper.

::::::::::::::::::6::::::::::::::::::

It was 8 o'clock, and the doors to the floor room opened. Wendy made it downstairs and stood by Dipper's side as the guests poured in. Scanning the crowed for likely troublemakers, the boy seemed too distracted to notice his friend was with him.

After the initial influx of partiers entered, Dipper turned to the redhead and said. "Okay, I guess we can walk around and mingle for a while. Keep your eyes open, and flag me down if you spot any trouble. Just remember: I'm the one responsible if anything goes wrong, and in Gravity Falls they start trying you as an adult at age nine. And I do not want to go to prison." Then to himself he muttered. "I would not get a warm welcome there."

Wendy saluted, and the two split up in different directions. The girl decided to find Soos, since trouble usually gravitated towards him anyway, and she wanted to tell someone about what she had seen upstairs.

A crowd had formed around the stage, where Mabel was decked out in her 80s-est clothing. "All right people! This is DJ May-May coming at you tonight. Now let's get this party started!"

The kids cheered as Mabel put on the music, bobbing her head to the beat. Soos was right there in the middle, flailing around in what might generously be called dancing. Wendy walked up to her friend and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey Wendy! Awesome party, right?" The tween boy said. "It's like everyone in town has shown up."

"Yeah, it's something alright." The redhead answered distractedly. "Hey, you'll never guess what I saw upstairs."

Soos gave her an impish grin. "What? Where you going through Dipper's underwear drawer?"

"No! Gross!" Wendy's cheeks flushed red. "It's something I saw in the walls. Little magic people."

Soos froze, his face turning pale, "Not more Barf Fairies?"

"No, these were different."

The boy relaxed, "Well, that's cool. Maybe we can check it out after the party."

"Oh great. What are you two losers doing here?" A new voice interrupted the friends.

The duo turned to see a kid in a black hoodie walk up to them. Wendy instinctively took a half step in front of her friend when she recognized who it was. _Robbie._

"Hey Robbie!" Soos said jovially. "Cool party, huh?"

"It was." The emo boy scoffed. "Until I saw who else was here."

Wendy bristled, "Look Robbie, why don't you get lost and bother someone else for a change."

The redhead couldn't stand the boy in front of her. He was always picking on her and Soos.

The bully stepped up to Wendy, standing on his tiptoes to look the girl in the eye. "Why don't you make me?"

Grabbing the jerky kid by the collar, Wendy pulled her other fist back for a punch. Her arm froze when a voice from behind them shouted, "Hey! Hey! No fighting, or I'll throw all three of you out!"

Dipper walked up to the trio of preteens with a scowl on his face. Wendy immediately released her grip on the boy, and stepped back. Trying to hide the panic in his voice, Robbie managed to say, "You dorks are lucky he was here to stop me. C'mon Thompson, let's get away from these dweebs."

A chubby boy with a sad expression scurried after the retreating Robbie. Dipper turned to the remaining tweens with a frown, "What was all that about?"

"Robbie Valentino." Wendy mumbled, looking at her feet. "He's the biggest bully in school. He's always picking on us."

"Yeah, it's crazy!" Soos added. "He's as unpopular as us, but he doesn't want to be our friend."

Wendy rolled her eyes at Soos' description of their nemesis. Dipper's expression had softened, but his tone was still serious, "Look. No fighting while you're here, okay? If he starts causing trouble, just tell me, and I'll toss him out."

"Okay." The redhead nodded her head, but a new thought occurred to her. "What if we're outside, can I beat him up then?"

Scanning the crowd for more trouble, Dipper distractedly mumbled, "Sure, sure. Just make sure there aren't any witnesses around."

With that, the teen walked off, his paranoia forcing him to look for more problems. Wendy stared after her crush. She was supposed to be helping him, not stressing him out even more. She needed to figure out how to make this night go perfectly. If it continued the way it was, she wouldn't have any time with Dipper at all. And even if she did, he wouldn't enjoy it. He wouldn't want to dance with her. She needed help, but Soos and Mabel were both doing their own thing. The girl's hand subconsciously gripped the journal hidden under her shirt, it had become something of a security blanket since it fell into her possession. The rough cover in her grasp made her think of something. She ran out of the floor room and up the stairs.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

By 8:30 the line to get into the party had disappeared. Stan leaned back in his chair, sipping a soda. He knew there weren't likely to be anymore guests arriving, but that was okay, the full lockbox beside him was evidence of tonight's success. The con artist smiled to himself until his stomach started to gurgle.

"Yeah, yeah. I hear ya." He muttered, getting up from his seat. "Stupid old-man bladder."

He walked to the door of the Shack, but when he stepped over the threshold the band around his ankle flashed and beeped. Immediately, the two lawyers from before appeared and gripped his arms.

"I'm sorry Mr. Pines, but you're not allowed within the premises while there are minors present."

"What?" Stan asked. Shocked by their sudden arrival. "But I just gotta use the can."

"Well, you can't use it in there." The man said. "Not until the party is over."

"Ugh. Fine."

Stan pulled his arms away from the suited men and trudged over to the woods. When he felt he was decently hidden, the codger unzipped his fly.

"Public decency laws forbid what you're about to do." The lawyers had once again silently emerged behind Stan.

The old man couldn't decide whether to yell at the intruders or have a heart attack, so he settled for saying, "Well then, where do you expect me to do my business?"

The duo exchanged a glance before saying, "The outhouse at the side of the property would be acceptable."

"No way!" Stan shouted. "That thing's a deathtrap. The last time I used it, I got stuck in there for three days!"

"It's either that, or hold it." The man shrugged. The two slowly backed away before disappearing under the shadow of the trees.

"Ugh. Lawyers."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wendy found the crack in the wall where she had first spotted the Hobgoblins. She grew concerned when she couldn't hear anything on the other side, and started pulling at the paneling. The boards came away easily, the nails slipping out of the rotted wood. From the silence, the girl had expected the spot to be abandoned. The creatures were still there, but something was definitely wrong. The Hobgoblins sat in silence, completely oblivious of the child staring down at them. Some wore euphoric grins, others slowly rocked back and forth, clutching their knees. All of them had dilated pupils and far off expressions.

Wendy was at a loss until she saw the prescription bottles that had been passed around earlier. The labels were partially hidden, but the name _Pines_ was clear. The girl reached for the medicine, but drew back when a sharp pain hit her finger.

"Hands off!" One of the Hobgoblins had awoken from its stupor and swatted her with a cane. "Those are ours!"

Unsure how else to respond, Wendy just said, "No they're not."

More of the hairy little creatures started to become lucid, and stared up at the giant redhead who may-or-may-not have been a hallucination.

"What do you mean?" The original Hobgoblin asked.

"Those belong to my friends." The girl said. "I think. They lost their medications earlier."

The small beings began to whisper among themselves. The only one to have spoken to her so far stepped forward. "We took these magic tablets. But we left the humans something in return."

"What?"

Looking past her into the room, the Hobgoblin pointed at a bag of jellybeans hidden under Dipper's bed. Wendy turned back to the creatures and said, "But you didn't take candy. You took their medicine. Aren't you guys supposed to leave something of equal value?"

Once again, the creatures huddled in discussion. "You speak the truth, human. We did not know the properties of these pellets when we took them. If we had, those two humans would have been paid in gold." The rest of the assemblage nodded. "I am called Hob. These are our clan elders: Gob, Bob, Sob, Dob, Mob, Blob, Job, Nob, and Carl."

"Uh. Hey." Wendy waved.

"Tell us, human. How can we right the wrong we've committed?" Hob asked.

This was great! Wendy had expected some kind of overcomplicated bargain, or quest, or something. But these guys were offering their help up front. Oh, wait. The twins should probably get their medication back.

"Okay. First you have to give the rest of the pills back." The mini humanoids booed and moaned at Wendy's statement. "Hey! Just do that for now, maybe you can get more later, but you have to work that out with Dipper and Mabel."

The Hobgoblins seemed to accept that answer and calmed down.

"Next," The tween continued. "There's a party going on downstairs, and I want your help to make it perfect."

"How do we do that?" Asked Bob (or maybe Nob. Wendy wasn't sure.).

"Keep track of things. Make sure nobody steals or breaks anything. Stop people from fighting. And help me stay close to Dipper."

The Hobgoblin elders nodded, "We can do that."

"Great!" Wendy beamed. "I'll be downstairs."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The party was in full swing, and DJ May-May had the audience eating out of her hand. "Okay my party-peeps! Now I wanna try something a little different. I want you guys to come up here and perform for all of us! Get on stage, play an instrument, tell some jokes, read a story. Whatever you want! And whoever gives the best performance by the end of the night gets this!" Mabel held up a giant plastic trophy, covered in rhinestones. "The trophy of ultimate talent! Who wants to go first?"

After some cajoling and peer-pressure, a girl walked up on stage and started singing. After a few false starts, the partygoers got into the idea of the open mike challenge. Between each contestant, Mabel would play a song or two, while the next person got ready.

Soos was bouncing on the balls of his feet, waiting for his turn on stage. He saw Wendy pushing her way through the crowd, and ran up to her. "Isn't this great?" he latched onto the girls arm. "Mabel's doing a talent contest, and I'm going next!"

Wendy had been looking for Dipper, but her friend's words snapped her back to reality, "Really? Uh, are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yeah!" The pudgy boy grinned. "It all just for fun, but I think I could win!"

Their conversation was interrupted as the current competitor began to sing. Wendy cringed at the voice, and looked up to see Robbie playing an old electric guitar Mabel had pulled from storage. The redhead couldn't place the song, though it seemed vaguely familiar. Soos, on the other hand, new exactly what it was, and was snickering.

"Oh man, what a dork!" The boy laughed. He caught his friend's questioning expression and explained, "He's playing the _Monstermon_ theme song! Lame!"

Wendy cocked an eyebrow at her friend. "_Monstermon_? Didn't you used to be obsessed with that? You spent all the money you had collecting those cards and stuff."

Soos stuck his chin in the air and scoffed. "Wendy, I'm almost thirteen now, and my tastes have matured. That's why I'm gonna wow the crowd with my knowledge of the classics by singing the _Ghost Maze_ theme."

"Isn't that the old arcade game where the triangle eats the dots and gets chased by ghosts?"

"Yep!"

"Does that even have a theme song?"

"Sure it does." Soos answered. "It goes like this: _Beep Beep Blebly-boop BeepBop Boobly-boop-boop Bop…"_

Wendy smacked her face. "Soos, that isn't singing. That's making beeping noises."

"_WakWakWakWakWak."_ The boy's shoulders slumped and he frowned. "Aw, man. You're right. What am I gonna do?"

"Uh, well. You know how to play the keyboard. Do something with that."

Soos perked up a little. "Yeah, thanks dude. I'll figure something out."

The assemblage clapped as Robbie left the stage, Thompson following after him. As the boy walked past the duo he said, "Beat that, loser."

Soos didn't say a word as he approached the pile of second-hand instruments available for the contestants. Mabel put on another song as the tween got ready.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Feeling a little bad about not staying up front to support her friend, Wendy continued her search for Dipper. She'd made a promise to help him run the party after all. Spotting a blue and white cap near the snack table, the girl walked over. She recognized Dipper's laugh, but heard another that wasn't familiar. Oh no. Not her.

Dipper handed a plastic cup to Pacifica. Looking up, the boy spotted his younger friend and waved her over, smiling. "There you are. I thought you'd forgotten about me."

"What? No! I was just- Doing the- you know-" The redhead stumbled over her own words in panic.

"Hey, relax. I'm the one who's supposed to have a panic attack over this party." He winked at her.

Wendy calmed down until the boy spoke again. "Pacifica, you remember Wendy from the convenience store."

"No." The blonde didn't even look in the other girl's direction. "So what's going on at the dance floor?"

"One of Mabel's ideas." The mystery hunter answered. He gestured for the two girls to follow. "C'mon, let's see how the open mike is going."

Wendy lagged behind, while Pacifica walked way too close to Dipper. This was bad. She hadn't prepared for this. She needed more help.

A huge cheer jarred the girl from her thoughts. The trio had made it to the stage in time to see Soos walk up in a pair of visor sunglasses, holding a keytar. As the boy began playing, a grin spread across Dipper's face and he shouted "_Yeah!"_ Wendy recognized the synthesized tune as the same one Soos 'sang' to her before. The girl smiled. Her friend had found a way to play his nerdy videogame music, and the crowd seemed to love it.

When the song finished, Wendy slipped away from the others. She needed to get back upstairs and make a new plan.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I don't understand." Hob said to the girl towering over him.

"It's simple. I just need you to keep this girl away from Dipper." Wendy stated, holding up her phone so the Hobgoblin could see a photo of Pacifica.

"But why?" The creature asked. "In what way is that a favor to him?"

Wendy hadn't expected that question. "Well… She's really snobby and annoying. And I think he'd have a much better time without her following him around all night."

Hob stroked his scraggly beard. "Yes, alright. I can see your point. We will take care of it."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dipper and Pacifica sat on the couch, watching the partygoers dance. So far things had gone smoothly for the boy, no major problems occurred, no one had gotten hurt, no one was threatening to sue. Dipper was half listening to Pacifica, half surveying the guests. The blonde was about to take a drink when her cup spontaneously exploded in her hand, spilling its contents down her front.

"What the heck!" The girl screamed.

"Whoa!" Dipper was startled out of his thoughts by the beverage mishap. "Here, lemme get you some napkins."

"No. It's fine." The teen's face was red with embarrassment and anger. "Let me just go to the bathroom and clean up."

The girl stormed off.

"Wow. That was weird." Dipper jumped at the voice next to him. Wendy was there, sitting on the arm of the couch. "I wonder what happened?"

The teen shrugged, "Who knows? Could just be the cheap plasticware Gruncle Stan buys."

The friends chatted for a bit, but Dipper was still distracted by the possible disasters that could befall the party. The two stopped talking when Pacifica approached them in a completely new outfit.

"I brought a spare." She said in answer to their befuddled looks. She discreetly glared at Wendy, then sat down with a fresh glass of soda. The cup shattered, soaking her outfit. "Oh, come on!"

The blonde stormed out of the room again.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Stan was about to burst. He refused to go into the _Outhouse of Mystery_ after what happened last time, but his resolve was wearing thin. Every time he tried to sneak into the house, or off in the woods, those officials from the county court would appear.

That's it. He couldn't take it anymore. They'd won. Grabbing the moneybox, Stan ran for the outhouse. Inside, he released the pressure that had been building up all evening. Relieved, Stan pushed the door to exit. It wouldn't budge.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

With her third new outfit on, Pacifica refused to eat or drink anything. She also wouldn't leave Dipper's side, not even when their other friends walked by, or Mabel took a break from DJing. Had the Hobgoblins given up? Wendy needed to find out.

Hob was still in the wall when Wendy walked in. He explained that they were doing their best, but had run into trouble.

"After all, who brings three pairs of clothes to a party?"

"I know, right?" Wendy agreed. "But look, she won't go away. Don't you guys have any other ideas?"

"Oh, we do. We do."

...

Pacifica set her purse on the end table next to the couch. Dipper had walked off to 'make the rounds' again, leaving her alone. That boy really needed to relax. This was supposed to be a party after all. The blonde leaned against the armrest and decided to check her messages. Reaching for her purse, she was met with empty air. She looked over and saw her handbag walking away, snorting. Waddles. She had mistaken the pig for a table, and now he was wandering off with all her stuff.

"Someone stop that pig!" The girl shouted (much to the amusement of the crowd).

But the pig would not be stopped. You wouldn't think a 250 pound hog, who spends his days either sleeping or looking for places to sleep, would be very fast. But when Waddles wants to move, he can move. And right now he wants to move, because there is a delicious cheese ball dangling in front of him, held just out of reach by Gob.

...

Wendy laughed when Hob explained the plan to her, and held out her finger for a mini high five.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wendy walked through the halls with purpose. Everything was ready. Nothing could go wrong. It was _time_. Time to ask Dipper to dance. Time to bump into Dipper in the hallway.

"What are you doing here?!" The girl asked with a little too much force.

"Just waiting for the bathroom." Dipper gestured to the closed door with his cup. "What about you?"

Wendy's eyes darted back and forth in panic. "Oh. Just, y'know, chaperoning. Or whatever."

Dipper smiled at her. "Everything seems to be going pretty well. It's all calmed down a bit. I'm glad you offered to help."

"Yeah?" The preteen blushed. "I mean, yeah. No problem."

Her heartbeat picked up. This wasn't right. She needed to get him onto the dancefloor before Pacifica came back. This was supposed to be the one opportunity to get him to herself.

"So hey." The boy picked the conversation back up again. "Suppose everyone here got snowed in by a huge blizzard. Who do you think would be the first to resort to cannibalism?"

"Oh, uh…"

"I'd probably go with that Alex guy." Dipper pointed to a rusty haired man with a goatee. "He always creeps me out for some reason."

Wendy giggled and relaxed slightly. Getting into the game, she pointed to another guest and said, "I'd say Mr. Poolcheck would be the first. He probably wouldn't even wait for the food to run out."

The duo laughed at the joke, and their own strange sense of humor. Dipper chuckled once more and said, "'Poolcheck.' Is it just me, or do the people in this town have the weirdest names ever?"

"Like 'Dipper?'" Wendy said with a smirk, covering her mouth when she realized she'd insulted her crush.

The boy just laughed and said, "If you think my _name_ is weird, you should check this out…" He handed her his cup, and pulled off his hat. Smoothing back his hair, the teen revealed the red birthmark on his forehead.

Wendy's eyes went wide. "The Big Dipper. That's how you got your nickname." The girl thought for a moment, then said, "Hold on. I don't even know what your real name is."

The boy flashed a sly smile before he said, "Many are my names in many countries: _Queen-Thief_ among the Gnomes. _Destructor_ to the Manotaurs. To the Elves I am _Valacirca_. To the Dwarves _Tungolhelm_. _Olórin_ I was in my youth in the West. To the East I go not."

"Dude. I have no idea whether you're joking or not."

"Mabel always says I'm terrible at telling jokes." The teen said with a shrug and smile.

"Well, that's all still better than my middle name." Wendy stiffened once she realized what she'd blurted out. "No, wait! I- ugh, why did I say that?"

"What? What's your middle name?" Dipper nudged her. "You gotta tell me now."

Sighing in defeat, Wendy said, "Blerble. My name is Wendy Blerble Corduroy."

Dipper chuckled softly and held out his cup in a toast, "To our families: Whose creativity outweighs their good sense."

Realizing her friend wasn't making fun of her, Wendy smiled and picked up the cup by her feet, tapping it against the one offered. They both drank as the door behind them opened and Robbie stormed out.

"Wait for me?" Dipper asked as he walked into the bathroom.

"Of course!" Wendy chirped. Smiling, she looked down at the soda in her hands. "Wait. I wasn't drinking anything."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

After chasing him all over the Shack, Pacifica finally cornered Waddles in the gift shop. He was sitting on the floor eating something, her purse abandoned at his side.

"There you are, you horrible little monster!" The teen seethed.

"What!? What did you call me?!" The pig shouted in response.

Pacifica took a step back in fright. "You- you can talk?"

"Of course I can talk! I'm not some animal!"

"But, yes you are."

"What!? Oh, that's it. You are done for!"

Pacifica forgot about her purse and bolted out the door. This wasn't right. She needed to find Dipper now!

Gob stepped out from behind Waddles, "The red-haired human was right, that is a nasty one. I'll have to tell the others."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Still outside the bathroom, Wendy saw Pacifica fly into the hall. She knew something was wrong when the older girl approached her without a look of disdain.

"You! Where's Dipper?" The blonde shouted.

"What? Wh-"

"Shut up! Where is he?"

The teen's panic was clear and real, Wendy gestured to the door next to them, "He's in there."

Pacifica started pounding on the door and pulling the handle. "Dipper! Dipper, Dipper, Dipper, Dipper!"

The toilet flushed, and faucet ran, before Dipper stepped out. "What? What, what, what, what?"

"Waddles can talk, and he's mad at me!" The blonde squawked, clutching at Dipper's vest.

"Huh?" The boy's confusion was mirrored by the preteen next to him.

"Waddles stole my purse, and when I caught him I yelled at him, but he got mad that I yelled at him, and he doesn't like being called an animal."

"Okay... Let me rephrase my original question." Dipper said in a calm tone. "Huh?"

"The pig can talk!" The girl flailed her arms, trying to get the message across. "The pig can talk, and he doesn't like being called names!"

"Okay, Pacifica. Just calm down." The boy shushed her. "We both know Waddles can't talk. I don't think that's something he'd keep secret. I think you've just partied a little too hard. Why don't we call you chauffeur to come get you, and you can get a good night's sleep."

The blonde pushed Dipper away and shouted, "Don't talk to me like I'm hysterical. I'm not hysterical!"

She punctuated the statement by stamping her foot. A floorboard split apart with a _crack_ and her leg sank through the ground. Dipper grabbed the girl and started pulling her free. "Darn it Gruncle Stan. You let the Shack get like this, then you complain that people try to sue you all the time."

Pacifica was hyperventilating, "I'm sorry Waddles, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to call you a monster!"

Snorting and shuffling, the pig in question trotted towards the group. Pacifica yanked her foot free and ran out of the building as fast as she could on a twisted ankle. No more. Every time something supernatural happened, it tried to kill her.

"I'd better go after her. Make sure she doesn't get hurt." Dipper said, before looking down at Waddles. "So, you still can't talk, right?"

In response, the pig licked the boys hand and waddled into the next room.

"Didn't think so." He turned to Wendy who remained in shocked silence. "Man the fort while I find her."

The girl nodded as he slipped away.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The party was winding down, with some of the guests already leaving. DJ May-May decided it was time to announce the winner of the talent competition.

"Okay folks, we had a lot of great acts come up here tonight, but there can only be one winner." Mabel flourished an envelope which she had sealed a minute before. "The judges have made their decision!"

The partiers leaned forward in anticipation. Soos hopped from foot to foot, while Robbie stood with his arms crossed.

"The winner is…" Mabel's dramatic pause was a bit too long. "Thompson! For his stand-up comedy routine!"

The crowd cheered as the awkward boy walked on stage. While the teen handed him the trophy, Thompson said, "But those weren't jokes, that was a freeform poem about my hopes and fears."

Mabel's face fell as she looked between the boy and clapping audience. "Oh. Uh…" The twin gave him the only words of advice she could think of. "You might wanna pretend you were being funny on purpose."

The bulk of the guests followed Thompson as he left the building with his prize.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"What were you guys doing?" Wendy shouted at the assembled Hobgoblin elders. "She may be a jerk, but I didn't want to hurt her!"

"Our actions were not for you." Bob said. "It was in retaliation for the insults she laid upon Gob."

"That's right! She called me a monster and an animal. Such things cannot go unpunished." The rest of the creatures nodded in agreement.

"But she wasn't even talking to you." That got the Hobgoblins' attention.

"What do you mean?"

"The pig! She thought the pig took her purse, so she was scolding it! She didn't even know you were there." The redhead explained.

"Oh dear." Hob mumbled.

"And now she's freaking out!" Wendy continued. "And it wasn't even funny! I mean it was a little funny, but mostly it was like, _yikes_."

"We have erred." Hob announced to his clan. "We have done harm to a falsely accused, and must pay recompense. We will leave this place and travel to the dwelling of the human Pacifica."

"What?" Panic crept into Wendy's voice. "But what about the party? You're supposed to help here."

"We have done all the tasks you assigned to us. Our debt to the Twins is complete."

The Hobgoblins filed through a hidden passage, and were lost from view. Wendy replaced the panels on the wall, and walked downstairs in defeat.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

When Wendy opened the door, the floor room was empty save for Soos and the twins. The girl figured Stan had already gone to bed, leaving the four of them to clean up. Dipper was laying on the couch, his head resting on his sister's lap. Mabel was describing the party from the perspective of the DJ stand while petting his hair. The boy looked exhausted. Wendy wondered how the ordeal with Pacifica ended, but decided it was better not to ask.

What a crummy night. At least Soos looked happy, he hummed while he swept the floor, holding a bedazzled _Pitt_ can (the second place trophy Mabel just made).

Not feeling like cleaning yet, Wendy sat on the floor by the twins. She noticed that some music was still softly playing from the speakers. _Well, we're almost alone,_ the redhead thought. _No one will interrupt us, and there's nothing left to stress over. _Wendy opened her mouth to ask Dipper to dance, but the question died in her throat when she heard the snores coming from Mabel's lap. Missed her chance.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

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**.**


	5. High Five

**.**

**High Five**

**.**

The Mystery Fair. The cheapest show on Earth. Every year, Gruncle Stan would rent some carnies and host a jamboree for the townsfolk. This year was no different: Unsafe rides, dubious attractions, and questionable foods.

Soos and Wendy were hanging up fake safety inspection stickers. The girl was working hard for once, not only were they actually getting paid (albeit in carnival tickets), but because she had worked up the nerve to ask Dipper to hang out at the fair. She was determined not to mess this day up.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"It's twelve o'clock, people!" Mabel shouted through a bullhorn. "And the kissing booth is now open! C'mon cuties, just a dollar per smooch! That's a bargain if I ever heard one. I'm talkin' to you skinny jeans!"

The boy she pointed at ran off in the opposite direction. Mabel narrowed her eyes. He'd be back. They'd _all_ be back.

Dipper handed Wendy a Mystery Dog. They were probably safe to eat. After all, parasites usually only infested something that contained actual _food._ The teen took a bite (years of Gruncle Stan's cooking had made him immune to ptomaine poisoning anyway).

Swallowing, the boy asked, "So what do y'wanna do first?"

"I'm up for anything." The ginger said. Sniffing at her dog, she discreetly tossing it in the trash.

While finishing his snack, Dipper got some mustard on his vest. "Boo. Hold on a sec, I'll be back."

"I'll be here." Wendy shouted, then lowered her voice. "_No, don't go."_

"Aww, look at you two." Soos sidled up to his friend, holding sugary snacks in one hand and salty snacks in the other. "Gettin' your romance on."

"Shut up dude." The girl blushed and socked him in the shoulder. "Okay it's true! Everything's going great! I figured it out: All I have to do is be myself. It's just gotta be the 'myself' he likes."

Soos wasn't entirely sure that was how things worked, but his friend seemed happy and relaxed. Maybe being half right was good enough for now.

"Hey losers." Pacifica Northwest barged her way into the tweens' conversation. "Have either of you yokels seen Dipper around? I just got a new designer top that I'm sure he'd love to check out."

The older girl struck some poses like a fashion model. Her outfit looked exactly the same as it always did (Wendy was sure Dipper would agree), but the preteen couldn't take the chance of Pacifica ruining her day.

"Yeah. I saw him wander off into the dark spooky part of the forest." The redhead said. "Why don't you go in after him?"

"Maybe I will, brat." The teen said with a scowl before walking off.

"Man, what a jerk." Soos commented.

"Yeah. But she's a blonde jerk with boobs." Wendy explained frantically. "I've gotta keep her as far away from Dipper as possible."

"Don't worry dude." Her friend wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder. "I've got you're back."

"Thanks man. I really appr-"

Wendy was interrupted when Soos pushed her away and pointed at a poster, "Oh my gosh! A corndog eating contest? That's my favorite kind of corndog related competition!"

The boy ran off without another word.

::::::::::::a:::::::::::::

Dipper returned with a de-mustarded vest. "Okay squirt, where were we?"

"Just deciding on what to do first."

"Well, we've got all day." The teen said. "Let's walk around for a bit, then go on some rides."

The duo strolled through the fair, laughing at the unidentifiable stuffed animals the game stalls offered as prizes. Finally, Dipper paused at the milk bottle toss, which had a selection of costume-jewelry for the winners.

"Huh. Is that a replica of the Bramham Moor Ring?" The boy said, pointing at a 'gold' finger ring. "I could actually use one of those."

Sensing an opportunity to impress her crush, Wendy handed the carny a ticket.

"My dad taught me how to win at these games." The redhead explained. "As long as you throw hard enough, it doesn't matter whether it's rigged or not."

Her older friend gave her a thumbs-up as she wound up for the pitch. Her father's advice was sound. She managed to knock over all the pins, but maybe she hadn't appreciated her own strength. The ball ricochet off the back wall and hit Dipper in the temple.

The boy fell to the ground. Wendy dropped to her knees in panic, yelling, "Oh my gosh, are you okay?"

"Gruncle Stan, I don' wanna wear the wolf costume." Was the only response she got.

"Uh, uh. Don't worry, I'll go get some ice."

Running for the freezer on the porch, Wendy grabbed a bag of ice. Tripping over her own long legs (_stupid lumberjack genes_), the redhead made it back to the game booth, only to see Pacifica holding a frozen latte to Dipper's head.

"Oh, you poor thing." The teen girl cooed. "Just ease you face on there."

"Thanks Pacifica." Dipper slurred. "Tha's really nice a' you"

The blonde took a deep breath and steeled herself. "So Dipper. I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye in the past. But we've been hanging out a lot lately, and I was wandering… Would you like to go out with me?"

The boy swayed back and forth unsteadily, but managed to say, "Sure, I guess so."

"Great!" Pacifica grabbed his hand.

"Hey. Could you check my pupils?"

The girl smiled coyly, "Why Dipper, you don't have to make up excuses for me to stare into your eyes."

"No, seriously." The twin said. "Check to see if my pupils match, I think I have a concussion."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wendy dropped the ice bag as her rival pulled Dipper to the _Tunnel of Love and Corndogs _(seriously, what was it with this fair and corndogs? She'd have to ask Stan about that later).

"Everything is different now." She mumbled to herself.

"Wendy, Wendy!" Soos ran up to the girl, practically jumping on top of her. "I won the eating contest! Look what they gave me. It's a little machine that makes farting noises!"

The boy started pushing buttons on the box in his hands. _Pfrt. Pfrt. PPPrrttt!_

"Ha! Who comes up with this stuff?" The boy said. He finally looked at the expression on his friends face and asked, "What's wrong?"

Wendy could only lift her arm and point at Pacifica and Dipper walking hand-in-hand.

Soos said, "Oh, _Pplrpt!"_

::::::::::::::::::t:::::::::::::::::

Wendy couldn't believe it. Dipper was going out with Pacifica Northwest, and it was all because of her. If she hadn't beaned him in the head, Pacifica wouldn't have had an opportunity to comfort him. And without that, they still would have spent the day together.

The redhead lay on the skeeball machine, uncaring of the people who wanted to play.

"C'mon, Wendy." Soos tried to console his friend. "So what if your crush picked the girl you hate over you. So what if you were directly responsible for ruining your own chances with him. So what if… Hang on, sorry, I kinda forgot where I was going with that train of thought…"

Wendy moaned and rolled off the game. Maybe a walk would clear her head.

The sun was getting low in the sky, and some of the booths were already packing up. The redhead reached the outskirts of the fair, she was about to turn around when a voice called out to her.

"You girl." A withered hand beckoned her from behind a tent curtain. "I sense your troubles. Come, and I will ease your pain."

The girl shrugged. She still had some tickets left, maybe this would take her mind off things.

Inside the tent was a classic fortune teller's setup, including a crystal ball and palmistry charts. An old woman coaxed Wendy onto a stool in front of the table. The girl recognized her as a regular merchant at the town swap meet. The wrinkled green skin and hunched figure was hard to forget. The kids at school all claimed she was a witch, something Wendy would have dismissed before this summer began.

"You grieve." The crone stated. "You regret an action in your past, and wish to amend it."

"Maybe." While everything the witch said was true, Wendy was skeptical of anyone who set up shop at one of Stan's events.

"If you could undo one mistake, you're sure your present would be a happy one."

"Yes." The preteen begrudgingly admitted.

"I can help you win your young man, Wendy Corduroy."

The girl started. "How do you know my name?"

"I know many things." The old woman stated. "And I feel your pain. For I too have had love slip through my fingers."

"What do you mean you can help?"

"With magic of course!" The witch walked to a trunk and rummaged inside. "With this, you can undo what is done."

The crone passed Wendy a shriveled-up monkey's paw. The girl's skin crawled when the thing touched her hand, but she didn't let go.

"This will grant you five wishes. More than enough to fix your mistakes."

The redhead's doubts were vanishing. She knew magic existed, and really, how many non-witch old ladies carried around mummified hands?* "So, I just say what I want, and this'll make it happen?"

"Yes. That's all it takes." The woman confirmed.

Wendy was about to accept, but stopped when a thought struck her, "Wait… This isn't one of those cursed dealies where it twists everything I say around?"

"Nah, nah." The witch said. "All those '_ironic cursed wish_' stories were made up by bitter people who never had any of their wishes fulfilled."

The preteen thought for a moment, "Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks!"

Before she could leave, the crone yelled, "Hang on kid! That'll be twenty bucks."

Wendy huffed and reached into her pocket. These carnivals always found a way to rip you off.

::::::::::::::::::b:::::::::::::::::::

Outside, Wendy looked at the monkey paw in her hand. It wasn't any worse than the attractions in the Mystery Shack, but for some reason it gave her the heebie-jeebies. Taking a deep breath, the girl spoke out loud, "I wish I could do this day over again."

**….**

"It's twelve o'clock people!" Mabel shouted through a bullhorn. "And the kissing booth is now open! C'mon cuties, just a dollar per smooch! That's a bargain if I ever heard one. I'm talkin' to you skinny jeans!"

It worked! She was back at the start of the fair. All she had to do now was avoid hitting Dipper, and everything would be fine.

The girl and her crush went through their day together until they reached the pin-toss. Wendy handed the carny a ticket as soon as Dipper showed interest in the ring. The redhead aimed carefully and threw the ball. It hit the edge of the table and bounced back into the boy's head.

Wendy gaped at the teen crouching on the ground. _This couldn't be happening_. She was at a loss for words, even as Pacifica came up scowling at her, offering the boy help.

When the new couple walked away, Wendy took the paw out of her pocket and stared at it. The stupid thing hadn't worked.

Soos ran up, telling his friend about winning the corndog contest. After stopping to take a breath, the boy saw what his friend was holding and said, "Aw, cool! Where'd you get that novelty jerky from? Can I have a bite?"

The ginger shook herself out of her stupor. "What? No! It's supposed to be a magic wishing paw, but it doesn't work."

The girl explained what had happened, detailing both of her days at the fair.

Soos rubbed his chin in thought. "So… you got a magic wishy thing to change how your day went… And you wished to do the exact same day over again?"

"No! I-" Wendy smacked her forehead. "I guess I did. I guess you need to be really specific. Stupid witch! She promised irony free wishes!"

The girl held out the paw again and began to speak before Soos interrupted her, "Wait! Can I come too? I wanna win that corndog eating contest again."

Wendy shrugged and said, "I wish I didn't hit Dipper in the head today, and that Soos could come back and win his competition again."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Huh. Is that a replica of the Bramham Moor Ring?" Dipper said, pointing at a 'gold' finger ring offered as a prize. "I could actually use one of those."

It took a moment for Wendy to orient herself. By the time she did, Soos had already run off to the eating contest. Slapping a ticket down, the girl was confident she wouldn't mess up this time.

She threw the ball at the pins. It did ricochet off the wall, but missed Dipper's head completely. Instead, it hit him in the groin.

"_Why!"_ The boy moaned.

Wendy slammed her head down on the booth's counter while Pacifica came up to drag Dipper away. Soos ran up with a huge grin "Man, I am gonna throw up so much later!"

While the boy played with his fart machine, his ginger friend spat, "Why did your part of the wish work?!"

"I donno dude. Maybe the thing just doesn't like you."

Gripping the monkey paw with both hands, Wendy screamed, "I wish Dipper wasn't dating Pacifica!"

:::::::::::::::::a::::::::::::::::::

Dipper handed his younger friend a Mystery Dog, before taking a bite of his own "So, what do you wanna do first?"

Wendy looked at the 'food' in her palm, then back at her crush. "Uh, well-"

"_Diiiipperrrrr!" _She was interrupted by high a pitch yell coming towards them. "Dipper! I need your help!"

Mabel latched onto her brother's arm and started dragging him away. "Hold on! Mabel, what do you want?"

"No time to explain!" His twin answered. "Hurry!"

_Well, that was new._ Wendy thought._ And here comes Pacifica. Looks like she didn't see where they went._ Maybe this was her lucky break.

The preteen paid close attention to the clock. The time of her original bludgeoning of Dipper came and went. _That's good, right? It was just a wrong-place, wrong-time thing, right?_

Mabel walked up to the younger girl. "Hey Wendy. How are you liking the fair?"

"It's fine." She answered. "So, what did you need Dipper for?"

"Oh, yeah." The teen giggled embarrassedly. "I drank a little too much Mabel Juice this morning, and needed to use the bathroom. So I had Dip watch my kissing booth for me."

"Kissing booth?" The tween's face paled.

"Yep. Couldn't have anyone giving out unauthorized smooches, could I?"

Just then, Dipper approached the girls, looking slightly disheveled and holding a jar full of money.

"Mabel?" The boy said, bewildered. "I think I might be hot."

"What the?" His sister said. "Where'd all that money come from?"

"The kissing booth. They just kept coming. So like I said: I think I might be hot now."

"Sorry to break this to ya bro-bro." Mabel said, frowning at the full jar. "But those were my kisses. You just got them by mistake."

"Oh. Okay." the teen was still dazed. "Are the phone numbers for you too?"

"What?!"

"Yeah. I got like, five numbers?" He explained. "For dates, I guess."

Wendy stormed off while the teens were talking. Behind the funnel cake stand she started kicking the wall, shouting, "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" Clutching the paw, she yelled, "I wish this day would go right!"

Pouting, Mabel asked, "So, are you gonna call any of those numbers?"

"No way." Her brother said, regaining some lucidity. "They were all from creepy older ladies, like, Mom's age and up. In fact, everyone who got in line was pretty high on the creep-o scale. I think kissing booths only draw out the pervs."

"That sucks." The girl said.

"Yeah it does." Looking around, Dipper asked. "Hey, have you seen Wendy? We were supposed to hang out today."

::::::::::::::::::s:::::::::::::::::

"Huh. Is that a replica of the Bramham Moor Ring?" The boy said, pointing at a 'gold' finger ring. "I could actually use one of those."

Wendy shook her head. What had her wish been? She hadn't thought about it, just shouted out in anger. She put a ticket on the counter and accepted the baseball. That this day would go right? Well, that was vague. She looked to Dipper, who gave her a thumbs up. The redhead tossed the ball. It hit the pins, hit the wall, and hit Dipper. She watched silently as Pacifica came to comfort the injured boy, then whisked him away. Wendy pulled the mummified paw out of her pocket.

"So that's the right way for this day to go, huh?" She asked. "I wish I had my twenty dollars back."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The sun was low in the sky as Wendy stood on the outskirts of the fair, dehydrated animal part still in hand.

"Hey, kid." A voice whispered from a tent. "Is that a magic wishing paw?"

The preteen recognized the witch from… _earlier? _

"Yeah, it is." She should know, she's the one who sold it to her. Or did she?

"Ooo, I've always wanted one of those." The crone clapped her hands. "How much you want for it?"

Wendy looked at the cursed object. "Twenty bucks. I mean forty. Fifty bucks." (Her time at the Mystery Shack had not been spent in vain).

The witch rummaged through her pockets, pulling out some bills. Before handing over the cash she asked, "Wait a minute. This isn't one of those cursed wishy deals, is it?"

"Nah." Wendy explained, a sly smirk spreading across her lips. "All those 'be careful what you wish for' stories were made up by jerks who never had their wishes come true."

::::::::::::::::::::h:::::::::::::::::

Mabel lay on her bed, looking at her woefully shallow jar of earnings from that day. The setting sun shone through the dream-catcher hanging in the window, casting a shadowy net over her body. The girl's brother walked into the room and went over to a pile of papers on his nightstand.

"Hey bro-bro." The besweatered twin said with a sigh. "How was your day at the fair?"

"Well… I got a concussion." The boy paused for a moment. "But when I woke up I had a girlfriend. So, overall, I'd say it was pretty good."

His sister pouted. She had heard about him and Pacifica through the gossip mill, and while she was happy for her brother, Mabel would have been happier if she'd had some luck in the romance department too. Dipper continued his work, stepping over to a covered easel in the corner.

"What did you say to Wendy when you went off with your new girlfriend?" The girl asked.

Dipper stopped with his hand on the sheet. He had forgotten about his younger friend, and his promise to spend the day with her (to be fair, he'd forgotten about a lot of things after the baseball to the head).

"I guess I didn't say anything." Was his bashful response.

Mabel gave him a disapproving glare.

"Hey!" The boy knew he was in the wrong, but still felt the need to defend himself. "I was suffering from head trauma! I couldn't be expected to fulfill every single obligation I had."

Mabel's look didn't let up.

Dipper sighed, he did feel bad about his mistake. "Okay. I'll figure out a way to make it up to her. I'll take her on a mystery hunt, or something. Just me and her."

The alpha twin's expression softened. Someone had to keep him in line. The boy pulled the sheet off his easel, revealing pictures of townsfolk and the words _People of Interest._ A map at the bottom had red thumbtacks sticking from it, strands of yarn connected them to photos of graffiti.

"Get any more clues?" Mabel asked.

"Nah." Her brother said. "I pulled a can of paint off that bratty kid Robbie. But I'm pretty sure he's just the one spraying pictures of muffins around town."

"What kind of person has a muffin for a tag?"

"I know, right?" Dipper agreed. "I'll check the paint samples just to make sure, but it's probably another dead end."

"Are you sure this is something we need to worry about?" Mabel tried to put on an air of skepticism, but the fear was clear in her voice.

Dipper grimaced and looked at his chart. More specifically, the graffiti he'd been snapping photos of all over town. Rubbing his arm, he said, "Yeah. It's something we need to worry about."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

**.**

*You'd be surprised.

**.**

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	6. Summerween

**.**

**Summerween**

**.**

The Mystery Shack was decorated with plastic skeletons and foam tombstones. Fake blood oozed from the walls, turning the front steps into a slipping hazard. Soos had come into work dressed as a luchador, he was currently rigging the doorbell to scream instead of chime. Wendy wore her usual outfit (since today was one of her dad's and brothers' favorite holidays, she'd always seen it as kinda immature). The girl was pouring candy into baskets, discreetly moving her favorite sweets to the bottom so they'd be left over after the night.

The doorbell screamed (nice work, Soos), and Wendy ran to greet the early trick-or-treaters.

"Hey brat." Pacifica was at the door.

Wendy bit her tongue, trying not to spit out a retort.

"Nice redneck costume." The older girl commented. "Oh, wait. That's how you always look."

_Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't freak out._ Fortunately, the preteen was interrupted before she could lunge for the jugular.

"Hey, babe. You're early." Dipper said as he walked downstairs, kissing the blonde on the cheek.

Pacifica wrapped an arm around the boy's waist. "Mabel said she had something special planned for us before we go."

"Oh no. That can't be good." Dipper said. He noticed his younger friend, and ruffled her pigtails. "Hey Wendy. The gang's gonna hang out tonight, you and Soos should come with us."

The redhead cocked an eyebrow, "You mean trick-or-treating?"

Pacifica scoffed, but her boyfriend nudged her and interrupted, "Nah, we've got something more stupid and teenage-y planed."

"Sure, that sounds great!" Wendy's brace filled smile had nothing at all to do with Pacifica's scowl. Nope.

Mabel then bounded down the stairs and jumped on Pacifica, wrapping her arms around the girl in a crushing hug. "Eee! You're here!"

"Ack! Yes Mabel. I got your message." The blonde managed to free herself.

"Okay. Okay." The besweatered twin took some deep breaths to calm down. "This is you and Dipper's first Summerween as a couple, and you know what that means?"

"Uh… That we've been dating for almost a week?"

"No!" Mabel shouted. "It means: Theme Costumes!"

Pacifica stared at the hyper girl in confusion, while Dipper just let out a long-suffering sigh.

"I got it all figured out." Mabel explained. "You're lucky Paci. You got the two world renowned trick-or-treating experts on your side!"

"Mabel." Dipper interrupted. "I really don't think Pacifica's interested in dressing up."

"What? Nah!" The girl laughed at her twin's naïveté. "Everyone loves costumes. Especially when Mabel's the designer!"

"Er… What did you have in mind?" Pacifica asked.

"It's great!" The brunette's grin threatened to split her cheeks. "Since this is the first year one of us has had a date for Summer and/or Halloween, I've got the perfect twins-plus-lover outfits ready." She held out a black vest and brown slacks for Pacifica, while keeping a black tunic and utility belt for herself. "You're gonna be Han Solo, I'm gonna be Luke, and Dipper's gonna be Princess Leia!"

Dipper groaned, "Why exactly am I Leia?"

His sister rolled her eyes, "Because Paci is playing Han, _duh!_"

"Look Mabel." The boy sighed. "I appreciate the effort, but I think we should just skip dressing up this year."

"But I spent all night taking-in the Slave Leia costume for you." The girl said with a pout, holding out a brown and gold plastic bikini.

Dipper buried his face in his hands. "Mabel. No one. Anywhere. _Ever_. Would want to see me in that." The boy looked to his girlfriend, "Right?"

Pacifica's eyes had glossed over and her breathing became heavy as she looked at the skimpy material in her friend's hand.

Dipper turned to Wendy, "Right?"

The younger girl mirrored her rival's expression.

Turning back, the boy nudged the heiress with his elbow, "_Right?"_

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Right." Snapping back to reality, the blond addressed her friend. "I'm sorry Mabel, but I'm really not comfortable dressing up for Summerween after all these years. It's something I let go of when I was a kid."

"Poo." Mabel frowned, dropping the costumes to the floor. "How about a _Rocky Horror _theme then? We could dress Dipper up in fishnets and-"

"No!" The boy shouted, and started pushing his twin up the stairs.

:::::::::::::::a10::::::::::::::::::

"And then the police officer said, _The call is coming from inside the house! Get out now! _But it was too late." Candy lowered the flashlight she'd been holding under her face as she finished her story.

Mabel and Soos clapped for the girl, but the rest of the group wore bored expressions.

"What?" The bespectacled girl asked. "That was scary, wasn't it?"

"No offense, Candy." Pacifica answered. "But I think everyone in the world has already heard that story."

Candy crossed her arms and moped. The teens, along with Wendy and Soos, had snuck into the cemetery to tell scary stories that night. The redhead was a little disappointed to learn their plans, she had expected something a bit more exciting. Then again, the last time she'd hung out with the teens had turned out to be _too_ exciting for the older kids. Maybe this was what _normal_ people did on Summerween, and she'd just gotten too used to the _paranormal_.

"How about we let Dipper have the next turn." Pacifica said, scooting closer to her boyfriend. "I bet he knows some good scary stories."

The boy rubbed the back of his head and accepted the flashlight. "Well, I'm not that good at making up stories. But I do know a lot of regional history, and keep track of recent events."

Dipper switched on the light, and began his narrative, "A lot of bad things happen that local authorities try to keep out of the news, and Gravity Falls is no exception to this rule. A string of murders happened in this town, that were as gruesome as they were random. The police were baffled. The killer seemed to have no motive or pattern, and what's worse, they were so efficient that they could claim victims at opposite ends of town in a single night. So far, the cops and city council were able to keep the deaths quiet. The murderer had been targeting loners, tourists traveling alone, or strangers passing through town. People who wouldn't be missed if they were gone. It wasn't until the murderer killed a group of teenagers, teens at this very cemetery, that the town took notice. But it made no difference. Covered up, or exposed, the police couldn't find the killer. Every suspect had a solid alibi. Then, as suddenly as they began, the killings stopped. But the crime remained a mystery."

Dipper paused to look around the group, seeing them all leaning forward with attention. His eyes met with Mabel's for a moment, before he continued. "But I figured out the clue the police missed. I figured out how the murderer could move between crime scenes so fast, and why everyone interviewed had an alibi: The cops were only looking for one killer. There were two. They'd go out alone or together, at the same place or different locations. Every scene they left was so like the others, that no one even considered it could be done by different people. And now, they're out there. Waiting."

When the boy finished speaking, the others leaned back in silence. Not wanting to appear like the story had gotten to her, Pacifica said, "Well, that was really something, hon. But I've lived in this town my whole life, and I've never heard of any rash of unsolved murders."

"Oh, I have an explanation for that too." Dipper said with a sly smirk. All of a sudden, his expression darkened. In one swift motion, both he and Mabel were standing, flashlights casting shadows over their faces. "_The murders haven't happened yet."_

The twins turned their lights off, plunging the graveyard in an inky gloom. There were screams and shouts. Soos fell backwards into an open grave, Candy and Grenda held onto each other. Gorney's body went rigid and he tipped over sideways. Wendy and Pacifica both grabbed hold of the person next to them (which happened to be each other, something they'd both deny ever happened).

"It's finally happened!" Grenda shouted. "They've finally gone insane!"

Dipper and Mabel turned on their flashlights, and collapsed to the ground laughing. When it became apparent that they weren't about to die, Pacifica pushed Wendy away and swatted her boyfriend on the arm, "That wasn't funny!"

"It was totally funny." Mabel said, struggling to catch her breath.

The heiress crossed her arms and huffed, but everyone's mood soon lightened. Before anyone offered to tell another story, Dipper turned to Grenda and asked, "What did you mean when you said, 'they've finally gone insane'?"

The girl chuckled nervously, scratching the back of her head. "Well, we kinda made a list of who's most likely to go crazy… And you're at the top."

Dipper cocked an eyebrow at this information.

"Yeah. First is you. Then Mabel and Gorney are tied for second. Then Candy, then Pacifica. Then me, 'cause I'm the most well-adjusted."

"Okay…" The boy responded. "So. What are your contingency plans for if that ever happens?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, if I were gonna make a list like that, I'd make sure that I knew what to do about it. Known weaknesses, places they're most familiar with, who the likely first target would be. That sort of stuff."

"Y'see, that's kinda why you're at the top of the list." Grenda explained.

The boy accepted this answer with grace (actually, he stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry at her), and sat back down. "Who else has a story?"

"I've got one!" Wendy said. The redhead scooted closer to the center of the group so that all eyes were on her. "Not long ago, there was a cafeteria worker at Gravity Falls Middle School named Mr. Friedly. His dream was to move to Portland and become an artisanal chef, but his cooking was terrible. After five years on the job, the school was ready to fire him. They said that if he couldn't get the kids to eat his food, they'd get rid of him. That's what drove him over the edge, if he couldn't make it as a school cook, then there was no way he'd make it in a real restaurant. He decided he'd get the kids to eat his cooking, one way or the other. After the last bell of the day, he snatched up a bunch of kids idling in the halls. He taped cooking utensils to his fingers, and force-fed the children until they were in tears. Hours after he began, the cops burst into the kitchen, ready to arrest him. He was so surprised, he knocked over the deep fryer, starting a fire. The police got the kids out, but Friedly was caught in the flames. He blamed the schoolchildren for his bad luck, and as he died, he swore revenge on all those who had refused to eat his cooking. And that's where the story begins…"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

**Nightmare On Gopher Road**

_"Another teenager has been admitted to the hospital with the same mysterious stomach virus that has been spreading around Gravity Falls." _Toby Determined's voice came through the radio. "_Health officials are still baffled as to the origins of this rash of, what doctors are calling, 'severe food poisoning.' The only common factor between patients is that they've all been between the ages of twelve and seventeen."_

The bell above the Mystery Shack door rang. Stan looked up from the register to see who walked in. "Wendy, you're late."

"I don't even work here Mr. Pines." The redhead replied.

"No excuses. I expect everyone to be here on time."

The girl didn't respond, just yawned and let her head slump forward.

"Yeesh, you okay kid? Those bags under your eyes are worse than Dipper's." Stan said, noticing the exhausted state the preteen was in.

Wendy dragged her feet to the counter, "All three of my brothers got sick with that stupid stomach flu. They were up all night puking, which means I was up all night listening to it."

"The Corduroy boys are sick you say?" Mabel popped up from behind a shelf, scaring the tween out of her stupor.

"Uh, yeah."

"Interesting…" The older girl brought a finger to her chin. "I bet they could use some tender love and attention from Dr. Mabel."

From the other side of the room, Dipper spoke up, "Mabel, don't you think they're suffering enough already? They're probably still traumatized from the first time they met you, anyway."

The girl stuck her tongue out. "You just don't appreciate my skills as a caretaker." With that, she skipped out of the room and upstairs.

Wendy looked to the remaining twin for an explanation.

Dipper sighed, "During out first stay at Gravity Falls, Mabel was going through her 'boy crazy' phase. Your brothers were among her attempted summer romances."

"_'Was_ going through'?" Wendy asked. "As in, she's not like that anymore?"

"Yeah. So you can probably understand why I said 'traumatized.'"

Mabel ran back into the room wearing a white labcoat and holding a glittery pink medical bag. "Dr. Mabel is on the case!"

"No she isn't." Stan said bluntly. "I don't need my employees getting sick."

"Aww. C'mon Gruncle Stan!"

"Nope." The old man shook his head. "Those bugs spread like wildfire. If you catch it, your brother's gonna get, then I'll be stuck with two sick kids and no workers."

"You're worried about us, aren't you?" Mabel said with a grin.

"I'm worried about bad publicity." The conman said. "While you two throwing up on tourists would be hilarious, it wouldn't be good for business."

"Nuh-uh! It's 'cause you love us!" The teen said, skipping to her uncle's side. "Admit it. You love us! Love, love, love!"

"Meh!" Stan grumbled, walking into the back.

"He loves us." Mabel looked over at her twin. "Well, I'm off to cure those poor boys of their loneliness!"

Dipper watched his sister leave, then turned back to his young friend. "I never put the two together, but maybe that's why we didn't meet you till this year. Your family wanted to keep you away from _those crazy Pines twins_."

"Nah, I don't think so." Wendy shook her head. "My brothers never even mentioned they knew you guys. I've always spent my summers at _Lumberjack Camp._ I was finally able to convince my dad I was too old for it this year."

"Well, let's hope this doesn't get you sent back there."

:::::::::::::::b11::::::::::::::

Wendy spent most of the day dozing in the family room. Stan would occasionally walk through and grouse about the girl's laziness, but didn't kick her out. With Mabel gone AWOL, the codger figured he might need the kid rested and disease-free tomorrow.

It wasn't long before Mabel returned to the Shack. While she didn't have any luck personally, she was proud to announce that, as soon as they saw her, the Corduroy brothers felt well enough to go for a jog. She and Soos spent the afternoon baking dinosaur-shaped cookies before going back to work.

By evening, nobody had gotten sick, and Stan decided it was time for the two preteens to go home. It was only Wendy and her dad at the dinner table that night, her siblings still couldn't keep any food down. When the boys did make their presence known, they'd complain about dreaming of a monster. Wendy thought this was unfair to Mabel, sure the girl could be a little intense, but she wasn't monstrous.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

In bed, Wendy was dreaming. It was the one where she was a warrior princess from the moons of Venus. She had just rescued the dashing brown-eyed Earth scientist from the clutches of the evil empress of Neptune. He was about to show her his gratitude (_this was the best part!_), when she heard… _Spoons_? Someone was playing spoons.

Suddenly, Wendy was no longer in her beamship, but her school cafeteria. She looked around to see who was clacking silverware together, when she realized she'd forgotten her lunch. _Ugh._ She'd have to buy food here. Someone needed to tell the cook that a fedora was not an appropriate substitute for a hairnet. The girl walked up to the serving area and grabbed a tray. It should have seemed strange that she was the only one in the room, but it didn't.

There he was, Mr. Friedly the cook. Wendy held out her tray to him. The man stuck his whole hand into the slop he was serving, and shoveled it onto her plate. The redhead noticed his fingers were extra long and ended in… _tines? And a scoop?_ She looked up and recoiled, his face was a hideous mask of scars.

He grinned at her and said, "Eat up, kid."

:::::::::::c12:::::::::::

Gasping, Wendy shot upright in bed. Her stomach turned, the smell of the awful food lingered in her nostrils, and the sight of the deformed cafeteria worker was burned into her mind. The sound of retching from across the hall told the girl that her brothers were still sick. She hoped the nausea she was feeling was just from her dream, and not the virus.

The next morning, Wendy dragged her feet through the Mystery Shack door. She didn't sleep again after the nightmare. It wasn't that the dream was particularly scary either (she'd been watching horror movies since she was three, and this summer had introduced her to plenty of ghosts and monsters), it was how real everything felt. The whole ordeal bothered the girl so much that she decided to confide her feelings with Soos.

The boy's eyes widened when Wendy finished her description. He whispered, "No way."

"What?" The redhead asked.

"Dude. I had the exact same dream!" Soos said. Then, after a beat, he added. "Well, except for the part about making out with Dipper. Mine started with Mr. Pines saving me from this British dog-man, then he took me to Hoo-Ha Owl's. Then, the restaurant turned into the school lunchroom, and the cook guy tried to feed me this gross stuff."

"I- I never said I dreamt about Dipper!" The tween's face went pink.

"A dashing brown-eyed astronaut?" Soos raised an eyebrow at his friend. "C'mon, dude. I'm not that clueless."

The blush not leaving her cheeks, Wendy said, "That's not important anyway. How could we have dreamed about the same person?"

"I donno." The pudgy boy said. "But did you notice that he looked just like the cafeteria guy who died last year? Y'know, except for the _foosh!"_ He gestured to his face.

"Yeah, he did." Wendy paused in thought. She had noticed that while in her dream. He wore the same fedora and ugly sweater that Mr. Friedly always wore. "Didn't something weird happen right before he died? It was in all the papers, but my dad wouldn't say anything about it."

"Yeah, you're right." Soos agreed. "I asked my teacher about it after the fire, but she didn't really explain."

"Something's not right here. We need answers." The redhead looked to her friend. "We gotta go to the library."

"Aww, boo."

::::::::::::::x7::::::::::::::

The Gravity Falls Library was surprisingly large for such a small and less-than-literary town. Wendy collected a stack of newspapers from the previous autumn, and set them between herself and Soos. It didn't take long for the tweens to find what they were looking for. It was the biggest story the _Gossiper_ had seen in years. A fire at the school was good for a few days reporting, but _kidnapping,_ that could fill page space for weeks.

"Dang. So he really was crazy." Wendy mused.

"Poor guy." Soos said. "All he wanted was to succeed at something he wasn't any good at and should have given up on a long time ago."

The redhead stared at her friend, "Abducting children and force-feeding them till they pass out is not a healthy way to cope with failure."

"Well, when you put it like that, he does sound kinda cuckoo for coco-poofs."

"And here." The girl said, pointing at a block of text. "It says when he died, he swore vengeance on all the kids who didn't like his cooking."

"So, like, all the kids in school then." Soos said.

"Yeah…" Wendy thought for a moment. She remembered how nauseous she felt after her dream, and waking up to the sound of her brother ralphing. "Soos, did you feel sick after your nightmare?"

"I kinda did, actually." The boy said. "How'd you know?"

"We need to check the journal."

:::::::::::::::y8::::::::::::::

Level 9 Ghosts. Spirits who can manipulate the dreams of the living to affect them in the waking world. The pieces fit. So far, only kids who went to middle school while Mr. Friedly worked there had gotten sick. Sure, it could all be a coincidence, but Wendy had become pretty suspicious of coincidences over the past few weeks.

It had been a long day, and Wendy fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. There were no normal dreams this time, just the cafeteria. She wanted to run, but her feet forced her into the lunch line. There he was, Mr. Friedly, scarred and hipster-y. She didn't wake up, and he didn't bother using her tray. Friedly scooped up a handful of sludge, and forced his whole arm down the girl's throat.

Wendy shot up in bed. She barely made it to the bathroom before the contents of her stomach emptied.

Definitely not a coincidence.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Maybe we can get Mabel to knit him a new sweater." Soos suggested.

"He wants revenge, not a new outfit." Wendy felt like crap. Three nights without decent sleep, and now she felt like she'd been kicked in the guts. But she knew this problem wasn't going away on its own, that's why she dragged herself to the Shack to form a plan.

"How about one of your shirts then?" The boy said. "Hipsters like flannel, right?"

"Dude, don't make me feel bad about my style."

The two preteens were in the living room. It was a slow day for tourists, so they were able talk without being yelled at.

"Well, how'd the journal say to stop these guys?" Soos asked.

"It didn't." The redhead answered. "It just described them and their powers."

"Why don't you ask Dipper then? Maybe he knows something the book doesn't."

That was a good question. Why hadn't she asked Dipper? The girl had told herself that if the journal didn't know, then how could he? She also convinced herself that she was protecting him, he wasn't a target, but if he got involved he might be. But thinking about it, none of that made sense. No, if she was honest, she wanted to do this on her own. She wanted to prove she was a mystery solver.

"Blargh, fine." Wendy huffed. "I'll ask him."

:::::::::::::::z9:::::::::::::::

Upstairs, the ginger girl knocked on the twins' door.

"Come in!" Dipper shouted through the wall. "Oh, hey Wendy."

As she entered, the girl saw her friend standing by a sheet-covered easel. She quashed her curiosity and asked what she came to find out. "So… I've been reading up on ghosts lately."

"Oh, yeah?" The boy looked genuinely interested.

"And I was wondering… How do you get rid of a level 9?"

"Well, the thing about level 9s is- wait." Dipper's eyes narrowed. "Why are you interested in dream-ghosts specifically?"

"Oh, y'know, reasons." The tween tried to play it cool.

"Wendy." The brunette took on a serious tone. "When I gave you that journal, I told you to keep me in on what you're doing. Spill it. Are you dealing with a level 9?"

"I think so." The girl said to the floor. "I'm not 100 percent sure, but I think the old school chef is the one making everyone sick."

Dipper thought for a moment, then said, "Have you seen him?"

"Yes. So has Soos."

"Dang." The teen frowned. "This is serious biz."

"Do you know how to stop him?" Wendy asked.

"Yeah, but you can't do it alone." Her crush answered. "Do you know what the ghost wants?"

"He swore revenge on all the kids who refused to eat his cooking."

"Crap. That means he'll ignore me and Mabel." The boy said. "Also, that's a pretty weird thing to seek revenge over."

"I know, right?" The redhead said. "So, how do I defeat this guy?"

"Okay." Dipper took a deep breath, and started to explain. "Dream-ghosts only have power in the Mindscape. To banish them, you need to forcibly drag them into the conscious realm. At that point, they're no more powerful than a level 1, and you can get rid of them the same way."

"How do I do that?"

"It'll be difficult." The teen said. "If I'm not a target, he won't let me into his dream scenario with you. You'll have to go with Soos. This isn't something you can do without backup."

Putting her friend in danger didn't sit right with Wendy. But the boy was in danger anyway, and she knew he could hold his own. The girl nodded.

Dipper rummaged around in a drawer, and pulled out a dreamcatcher. "You can use this to snare him."

"Why do you guys have so many dreamcatchers?"

"I have insomnia." Dipper gave as a non-answer. "Come back here tonight. Me and Mabel will be able to wake you guys up if something goes wrong."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

After sunset, the two preteens returned to the Shack. Wendy told her dad she was staying over at Soos', and Soos told his abuelita he was sleeping over at Wendy's. Mabel had set up the recliner with blankets and pillows. She got the tweens settled in when Dipper walked into the room.

"Okay. When you're in the dream, you'll have to get close enough to the ghost to catch him in this." The Pines brother handed Wendy a dreamcatcher tied to a poll.

"You want us to trap an evil spirit in a butterfly net?" The girl asked.

"Yes." Dipper gave each of the kids a bottle of liquid. "Once you've got him, wake up, and he'll be dragged out of the dreamscape with you. Once he's in this plane, sprinkle him with anointed water, and he should be banished."

"Should be?"

"Remember," The boy continued. "When he's here, you two will be the only ones who'll see him. So it's gotta be you guys who banish him."

The preteens saluted and hunkered down on the overstuffed chair. Wendy took deep breaths to calm her nerves. Three days without sleep was making it easy for the redhead to nod off, but her friend kept squirming next to her.

Finally, Soos sat up straight and said, "I can't do it man. I can't just fall asleep knowing there's a ghost waiting for me in there."

"Just try to relax."

"How are you supposed to relax when a crazy cafeteria worker is out to get you?" The boy was becoming frantic. "I'll never be able to sleep."

Wendy rolled her eyes and tossed a blanket over Soos' head. Almost immediately, the boy slumped over and began snoring. The twins looked to their younger friend in confusion. Wendy just shrugged.

"He's like a canary." She explained. "If you put a sheet over him, he falls asleep. One year he went trick-or-treating as a ghost. I found him standing in the middle of the street snoring because the eye-holes got turned around."

"Well, that's… a thing." Mabel managed to say.

Wendy laid back and closed her eyes. She felt herself ebb further and further from consciousness, rocking on waves of hazy blankness.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The first thing she noticed was the smell. It smelled exactly the way food shouldn't. She opened her eyes to see the bright, light beige walls of the cafeteria. She turned her head. Beside her was Soos, a worried expression on his face. On her opposite side was the dreamcatcher/butterfly net. In front of her was a tray of slop even Waddles would hesitate eating.

"Your lunch is getting cold, kid." A raspy voice said.

An appalling visage materialized before the children. His scarred face only adding to the horror of his fashion choices.

Wendy struggled, but couldn't move. Her arms and legs were frozen, she could only move her jaw to shout, "Let us go!"

"Not a chance." Friedly said. "You're mine till the bell rings."

Soos whimpered, but didn't speak.

"Now, which one o' you eats first?" The apparition said. "String bean could use some fattening up, but I think big boy's getting hungry.

Mr. Friedly scooped up some gruel with his finger-spoon, and held it in front of Soos. Trembling, the boy opened his mouth, and the specter unceremoniously shoved the food inside.

"Eew." Soos grimaced, but opened up for another bite anyway.

This pattern continued until the boy's plate was empty. Friedly was baffled. No one had ever finished a whole tray before. Soos' stomach grumbled and he looked to the ghost hopefully. "You got any more, dude?"

"You- You like my cooking?" The spirit asked.

"Well…" The tween paused, trying to find the best way to phrase his answer. "Not really, but I haven't eaten since dinner, so I'll eat it."

Friedly's face fell. He was conflicted. The child didn't like his food, just like all the others, but he did ask for seconds. A full plate materialized in front of Soos. He'd feed this boy till he liked his cooking, or died.

Wendy was stunned. How could he eat that stuff? The smell alone was enough to make bile rise in the girl's throat. That's when she remembered one of the nights she'd had dinner at his house. Empanada night. She'd spent ten minutes under the kitchen faucet, trying to wash the spiciness off her tongue. That boy had a cast iron stomach, he ate floor-pizza and questionable salami without hesitation. The girl formed a plan, she just hoped her friends guts would hold out.

"Hey, what about me?" Wendy asked.

Friedly paused in his spoon-feeding, "What about you?"

"How am I supposed to eat without my hands?"

The ghost was shocked. Not just one kid, but _two_ were willing to eat his cooking? Could it be that he was finally being appreciated for the artist that he was? He waved his clawed hand, and Wendy's arms came free. She immediately grabbed the dreamcatcher and slammed it over the specter's head.

"What do we do now?" Soos asked.

"I donno. Wake up!" His friend shouted.

Both kids were able to move now. Mr. Friedly's entire torso was caught within a glowing net that expanded from the circle of wood around his waist.

"How do we do that?"

"I don't know, man! Just do it!" Wendy fought to keep hold of the struggling ghost.

"It's not working!" Soos shouted.

"I know! How do you wake up from a dream?"

"Uh, uh… Think of something scary!

"Scarier than holding an evil ghost you've just pissed off?"

"Okay, um… Think of Dipper!"

"What?" Wendy yelled, her cheeks tinting red. But it was too late, an apparition of the teenager walked across the room towards her.

"Now think of Pacifica!" Soos instructed.

"Wait, what?!"

The form of the heiress blocked the path of Wendy's dream boy. She reached out a perfectly manicured hand and caressed the twin's cheek. Glancing at the redhead with a smirk, Pacifica leaned forward and drew Dipper into a deep kiss.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Gah!" Wendy jolted awake with a squawk, jamming her elbow into Soos' ribs.

The two tweens saw Friedly, still struggling within the dreamcatcher. They grabbed the vials of anointed water, and tossed them at the specter. The ghost wailed and started to fade like smoke. When they were sure he was gone, the kids laid back in the armchair, breathing heavily.

Dipper and Mabel looked at their younger friends with wide eyes. They'd only seen half the fight, but the expressions on the exhausted duo were enough to tell them things got crazy.

"So… Is he gone?" Dipper asked.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think so." Wendy answered.

The twins ushered the ghost harassers to the attic, and let them have their beds. The siblings would share the recliner for the rest of the night, and let the preteens get a proper sleep.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wendy finished her story and looked at the surrounding faces. The teens stared at her in silence.

"What?" The redhead asked self-consciously. "Was that not good?"

"How did you know I had dreams about Mr. Friedly when I was sick?" Candy asked.

"You dreamed about him too?" Gorney looked at the shorter girl.

"Wait. You guys had the same dream?" Grenda shouted, bewildered.

Wendy smiled shyly, "I never said I was telling a made up story."

The teens started chattering about how their sickness went away as soon as they stopped dreaming, and how Wendy and Soos had saved them. Even Pacifica was begrudgingly impressed (until she saw Dipper noogie the younger girl, then she turned away glowering).

Once they settled back down, the group of friends told more stories until they were chased out of the graveyard. It turned out to be a pretty good Summerween. Despite the lack of candy.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

22-10-11-14-21 17-10-2 11-14-14-23 3-1-8-18-23-16 3-24 13-1-14-2-2 13-18-25-25-14-1 18-23 13-1-10-16 15-24-1 3-17-14 25-10-2-3 15-18-5-14 8-14-10-1-2. 2-17-14 17-10-2 24-23-21-8 2-4-12-12-14-14-13-14-13 3-6-18-12-14.

**.**

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	7. Let's Get Kraken

**.**

**Let's Get Kraken**

**.**

The inhabitants of the Mystery Shack let out a collective moan. It was the hottest day of the year, too hot to move, too hot to speak. Wendy wondered why she was even there. Granted, her house was no cooler, but at least in the privacy of her own room she'd be comfortable enough to shed more clothing than her flannel shirt. Soos had no such reservations. The boy had stripped down to his underwear, and was lying on the floor. Even Mabel had discarded her omnipresent sweater, while Dipper looked like a young version of Stan, wearing nothing but an undershirt and boxers.

A local radio station played in the background (mostly because nobody had the energy to shut it off), the staticy music was interrupted by the hourly news. After the agonizingly obvious weather report, Toby Determined announced that the public pool just opened for the season.

"_Pool."_ Mabel groaned like a zombie.

_"Pool."_ The rest of the group echoed.

Without another word, everyone staggered to their feet and shuffled to the exit.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wendy was changing into her swimsuit. Technically, she'd already changed into the red one-piece, but had spent the past five minutes frowning at her reflection in the mirror. When her growth spurt hit, she didn't seem to _grow_ so much as _stretch_. It was times like these that reminded her why she didn't wear shorts anymore. Her legs were too long, and too scrawny. The only fat left on her was in her cheeks, making her head look too big for her spindly body. _I look like a lollypop,_ she thought, _a lollypop with chicken legs._

From outside, a car horn blared. On their way to the pool, Stan had stopped at the Corduroy household for Wendy to get what she needed. It sounded like he was losing his patience.

Panic gripped the redhead. She didn't want people seeing her in a bathing suit. Then again, it was _really freakin' hot,_ and she wanted to go swimming. Stan honked the horn again. Wendy ran into her brother's room, and rummaged through his dresser until she found a pair of swim trunks. He was closest to her in age and height, so they'd probably fit. Slipping on the shorts, the girl looked herself in the mirror again. It would have to do. At least the baggy material hid her lack of butt and thighs. Grabbing a towel and sunscreen, the tween raced back to the waiting car.

::::::::::::::g=a::::::::::::

The pool was packed, it seemed like everyone in town was there. Dipper, Soos, and Wendy jumped into the water immediately. Mabel and Stan decided to scope out the best places to sit (at opposite ends of the pool, of course. So as not to cramp each other's style).

In the water, the three Shack employees met Candy and Grenda. It wasn't long before the group started a game of chicken, with Soos on Grenda's shoulders and Wendy on Dipper's (it was originally going to be boys vs. girls, but Dipper's back went out during the first round).

After they lost, Dipper left the pool for a rest, and Wendy followed him. The Pines boy found his sister lounging in the shade, with three empty lawn chairs beside her. Sitting down, the teen toweled off. Wendy was about to take the seat next to him, when a voice made her freeze.

"Hey you two. I was wondering if I'd see you here." It was Pacifica, the older girl snatched up the chair beside Dipper, and leaned over to kiss the boy.

Wendy glowered at her rival, but said nothing.

Pretending to notice the preteen for the first time, Pacifica turned and said, "I'm surprised you're here. Don't gingers burst into flame if they're put in direct sunlight?"

"Aren't witches supposed to melt if they get wet?" Wendy muttered back.

The teen narrowed her eyes, but otherwise showed no sign of hearing the girl. Instead, she turned her attention back to the Pines'.

This was just great. Wendy had finally calmed down enough to enjoy herself. Nobody had made fun of her bathing suit. She got to play in the water with Dipper. Dipper wearing shorts and an undershirt, the wet fabric clinging to his back, exposing his wiry frame… _Focus!_ And now Pacifica was here, shooting her condescending glances. She couldn't even accuse the older girl of being a stereotypical blonde bimbo. She didn't look like one, in her modest purple bikini. Why do mean people get to be hot?

"Could you get my back?" Pacifica asked her boyfriend, handing him a bottle of sunscreen. Seeing Dipper kneel next to the blonde as she rolled onto her stomach shook Wendy out of her musings. She pictured herself in older girl's place, her crush rubbing lotion onto her skin.

"Whoa there Wend! You're starting to get pink." Mabel interrupted. "Come sit here in the shade."

The teen pulled Wendy onto the foot of her chair. Producing her own bottle of sunblock, she squirted some onto the redhead.

"Don't want you burning up."

"Careful Wendy." Dipper said over his shoulder. "Last time I let Mabel put sunscreen on me, I had 'Kick Me' written on my back in sunburn."

"That was a fun summer." The Pines sister said with a smile.

"Your turn." Pacifica sat up and took the tanning oil from her boyfriend. "Take off that shirt and I'll do your back."

Dipper looked down at his soggy tee-shirt, then at the blonde, "That's okay, I'm fine like this."

"C'mon, you're not seriously going to spend the whole day in that thing, are you?"

"Yeah broseph, take it off! Woo!" Mabel shouted.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Dipper sighed, "Y'see, Mabel, comments like that are the reason people make up weird rumors about us."

"What? Nah!" The bubbly girl said. "People make up rumors about us because we're unnaturally close for siblings. Also, nobody can resist the whole _forbidden fruits_ angle."

"Ignoring that."

"Why don't you want to take your shirt of?" Pacifica said, not paying attention to the twins' banter.

Dipper let out a dramatic sigh, then said sarcastically, "Because I have scar tissue covering 20% of my body, and I don't want people accusing my parents or uncle of doing it."

"Oh, fine. Be that way." The blonde girl huffed. If he was just going to evade the topic with jokes, then she wasn't going to push for answers. After calming down for a moment, she turned to him and said, "It's not like I want other girls staring at you anyway."

Wendy was sure that statement was directed at her.

:::::::::::::h=b::::::::::::

Soos was enjoying his time in the water. Candy and Grenda were pretty fun to hang out with. The boy had never really known anyone tall or strong enough to lift him over their head and toss him into the water (like he'd see other kids and their parents do), but Grenda was both. She hefted him through the air, and the moment he bobbed back to the surface, Candy would splash down next to him.

Wondering what happened to his red haired friend, Soos scanned the pool. He spotted her on a lawn chair, glaring daggers at Pacifica. The older girl was trying to smooth Dipper's wet hair out of his face, only to have the boy brush it back over his forehead. Soos decided he should try to coax Wendy back into the water, when he heard a splash and squeal behind him.

Turning, the boy expected to see more horseplay, but was shocked by what was actually in front of him. A pink tentacle had snaked through a pool filter and coiled around a boy his age. It retracted sharply, trying to pull its victim through the small hole in the concrete. When the child wouldn't fit, the tentacle became frustrated and started flailing the boy through the air, only to release him mid swing. The kid landed on the other side of the fence with a groan.

"Did you guys just see that?" Soos waded over to his two companions.

"See what?" Candy asked.

"The-the thing! With the kid. And the Wah!Wah!Wah!" The boy waved his arms around.

Deciding that their younger friend had gone crazy, the teens went back to their conversation. Soos looked around the perimeter of the pool. Nobody was panicking, no one in the crowded water had seen anything. Maybe he had imagined the whole thing? That's when he heard a hiss coming from a different filter.

Cautiously paddling closer, the boy peered through the gap in the cement. A pair of large grey eyes stared back at him. Soos yelped and sprang away, but a pale wrinkled hand shot out and grabbed his arm.

"He saw it too, didn't he? Yesss." The pool creature whispered.

"What- Who are you?" Soos' voice quavered.

"Nobody notices. Nobody wants to see." The thing said, half to himself. "But he saw, yesss he did. He saw the kraken."

"You mean the tentacle?"

"Too big. Too big it got. And hungry, yess, always hungry." The creature's voice trailed off into a series of gurgles at the back of its throat.

"Why is it here? And seriously, who are you dude?"

"He wants to know about the kraken? He wants to get rid of it for us, maybe?" The eyes flashed hopefully.

"Uh, sure dawg, I'm kinda freaked out by there being a squid monster in the pool." Soos said.

"Go to the snacksss, and wait." The arm and eyes disappeared.

:::::::::::::::i=c:::::::::::::

Soos got out of the water and headed to the food stand. When he got there, a scraping sound alerted him to a manhole cover being pushed open. The same pale hand beckoned him down. Only as he was descending did the boy realize this was probably a terrible idea. When his feet touched the ground, a hiss and hot breath brushed the back of his neck.

In the half-light of the damp tunnel, Soos finally got a good look at the creature from the pool filter. He was about the same height as the tween, but hunched over nearly double. His hair and skin were bleached a sickly white, and he was covered in wrinkles. Wide eyes took up most of his face, and they seemed to flash with a cold gray or green light. He made a constant gurgling sound with his throat, like water being sucked down a drain.

"What are you?" Soos asked again.

"We are us."

Deciding he was asking the wrong question, the boy tried again, "What are you doing down here?"

The thing let out a long, slow hiss. "_Poolcheck_. Our grandmother brought us here for our birthday, yes, _yesss._ But we got put in pool-jail, yes we did. Put in solitary. All alone. Now we live here, but the kraken came and made things bad."

"But you opened the lid up there, can't you just leave?"

"Ack! No!" It spat. "The yellow face burns us! The white face blinds us! It is better down here."

It took a moment for Soos to realize he was talking about the sun and moon. "Uh, I could probably get you some SPF and shades, or something."

The thing just sputtered and hissed to himself.

"So… What's your name?" The preteen tried to change the subject, but still got no coherent response. "I'll just call you Gurgle."

This seemed acceptable to the wretched gangrel creature, as he beckoned Soos to follow. The pair traveled deeper into the dark, the smooth brick and concrete tunnels giving way to natural caves. While walking, Gurgle began to speak again.

"Things get flushed down here when people above don't want them. Good things, nasssty things, things that grow too big to eat. The kraken got trapped here after a storm. He was too big to get eaten, but too small to eat me. But he grew bigger, and bigger, and started gobbling up everything, leaving nothing for poor, poor Gurgle. He wants to gobble us up now too, but we are too clever, yesss."

"Where did it come from?"

"Out and away. Where the yellow face watches."

So, outside. That was… Unhelpful. "How do we get it back there?"

"You can't. Not enough water. It needs water to swim out."

Gurgle slipped through a fissure in the stone wall, Soos squeezed after. They were in a large chamber where a rectangular shaft of light shone from the top of one wall. At their feet was an underground pond with a mossy island in the center.

"This is where the kraken lives." Gurgle said before pointing away from the light. "That is where it came from."

Soos could just make out a darker gap in the dark wall. It was another tunnel, a foot or so above the waterline. The boy's eyes finally adjusted to the dim surroundings enough to make out details. He knew they were next to and below the pool. The cavern they were in appeared to be half manmade, half natural. Pipes led out of the kraken's pond and back to the surface. Did that mean they were pumping octopus water back into the pool? _Gross!_

"Okay, dude. I think I know what to do." Soos hadn't quite gotten the hang of plumbing yet, but if there was one thing he'd learned, it was how to flood a place. "I need you to get me to those pipes."

Gurgle hissed when he saw where the boy pointed. "We can't go there! The kraken will get us!"

"Well, we can't get rid of it from here." The preteen reasoned.

Cursing under his breath, the creature led Soos around the water's edge until they came upon a raft of duck floats and foam noodles. Gurgle paddled silently using his long hands and feet, keeping as far away from the island as possible. As they neared the pipes, the steady rhythm of a pump could be heard. The duo beached their raft below the distant pool filter, and stood on the narrow shelf of land.

Soos closed off the valves that were draining the underground water. The pumps strained, but nothing passed through the pipes. "There ya go, dude. Now this place should fill up eventually, and the kraken will be able to swim out."

Gurgle howled.

"Hey! I know it's not a perfect plan, but it's the best I got."

Soos turned to find that he was alone. Well, not quite alone. The water behind him was boiling. Tentacles shot out of the pond, whipping through the air, Gurgle was in the clutches of one. What Soos had taken for an island, he now realized, was a giant spiral shell.

Gurgle was pulled closer to the monster's moss covered back, where a beaked mouth was breaching the surface. Soos didn't know what to do. He was no good at this hero stuff, he was the one who usually got rescued. What would Wendy do in this situation? _Punch it_? No, it was too far away. _Hit it with an ax?_ Maybe. He looked around for a conveniently abandoned weapon. All he saw were his own sandals, which he took off and threw at the ancient nautilus. No good. He looked around again, his eyes landing on a large pipe jutting from the wall.

The boy suspected it was a drain leading from the pool, that's why he'd left it alone until now. His plan was to let the kraken's chamber fill slowly, allowing him and Gurgle time to escape. Well, escape wasn't an option now, but maybe the monster wanted to get out of there more than it wanted a meal. Soos turned the valve as far as it would go. The water pressure was strong enough to shoot across the pond and hit the kraken in the face. Distracted by the sudden assault, the beast's grip on Gurgle loosened just enough for the creature to wriggle free.

Gurgle swam for his life, but the giant cephalopod had lost interest. It seemed to realize what was happening, and moved towards the gap in the far wall. Tentacles explored the tunnel's mouth as the rising water streamed into it. Gurgle had recovered his raft and reached Soos, who was trying to climb the cave wall to safety. The pale creature grabbed the boy, and both started paddling for the crack they'd entered through.

Water had almost covered the beach that separated the pond from Gurgle's section of caves. The kraken used its tentacles to hoist itself into the now flooded tunnel. The force of the monster's movements caused a wave to crash against the rock wall, nearly crushing the companions as they scrambled out of the cavern.

Soos and Gurgle gasped for breath as they laid in the dark. With the absence of the krakens mass, the pond had returned to a more manageable level, meaning the duo weren't in danger of drowning at the moment. After they recovered, Gurgle let out a soggy chuckle, before getting up and doing a little jig. He wrapped Soos up in a crushing hug, and began babbling to himself in his semi-coherent language. Soos decided to just sit down and wait to be escorted back to the surface.

:::::::::::::::::::::::

Later that evening, Dipper and Mabel were in their room getting ready for bed. Their time at the pool had been eventful as well. After chatting for a while, Pacifica and the twins (along with Wendy) went into the water. Everything was fine until a sudden current started dragging everyone to the bottom of the pool. The swimmers went into a frenzy, looking like extras in a shark attack movie. Fortunately, the chaotic episode didn't last too long. Unfortunately, it ended because the pool had completely drained.

Poolcheck had a meltdown, kicking everyone out before anybody knew what happened. Pacifica scoffed at the quality of the town's pool, telling the twins that they'd have to swim at her private facilities in the future. The blonde had lapsed into her haughty demeanor, but Dipper could tell she was rattled by the day's events. Poor girl, she was born and raised in Gravity Falls, but had never taken to the supernatural like the Pines'. She wanted a normal life, but Dipper knew, in this town, that was impossible. He knew she wouldn't be swimming for a while, and to not take up the offer to use her pool.

The Mystery Shack gang piled into Stan's car after the heiress left. To make up for the ruined day, they all went out to eat. Soos balked when Mabel ordered a calamari appetizer for the table, which was odd since the boy had never been a squeamish eater.

It wasn't until they returned to the Shack that Soos explained his Tolkienesque adventure. Dipper and Wendy were secretly jealous over what they'd missed out on, while Mabel rummaged through her jewelry box, announcing that Gurgle needed some 'bling.'

Dipper pulled off his shirt (which still smelled of chlorine), ready to change into the one he slept in.

"Y'know, I could've covered them up with makeup if you wanted." Mabel said, slipping in her retainer.

"It woulda taken a lot of makeup." Her brother answered. "Plus I was in the water most of the time."

"Nobody noticed mine." The girl lifter up her sleep-shirt, revealing a long red line running along her ribcage to her armpit. "The stuff I got doesn't just wash off."

"I still get nervous about it." Dipper rubbed his forearm selfconsciously.

The boy hadn't put on his pajama top yet, exposing the crisscross of scars on his chest and back. Most were too faint to see, unless someone was actively looking. Aside from a few of the lager cut or puncture marks, the only really noticeable blemishes were the three parallel lines raked across his back.

"How do you actually explain something like that?" He asked. "I don't want people asking questions."

"I hear ya bro-bro." Mabel crawled under her covers and turned to face the wall, before saying. "Just let me know if you need me to smear any makeup on you before you have a date. _Nudge-nudge, Wink-wink._"

Dipper sputtered a little bit, but any reply he may have had was drowned out by Mabel's giggling.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

**kbkxehuje ngy huje osgmk oyyaky. kdikvz lux maxmrk.**


	8. Day By Day

**Real life is making it hard to find time to write right now, so here's a short chapter to tide you over in the meantime. When my brain is cluttered I'll write down scenes or jokes that don't fit into other chapters. ******This is the result: a series of quick peeks at the daily lives of the Mystery Shack crew. **Hopefully the next full chapter will be up in a few weeks.**

**.**

**Day By Day**

**.**

Dipper was manning the gift shop alone. Stan was out giving a tour, and he had no idea where Mabel was. The boy sighed from boredom, cashier duty was the worst. Unless his mind was focused on something, he had too much nervous energy to sit still in one place.

Finally, the bell over the door rang. While customer service wasn't his strong suit, anything was better than idle boredom. When he looked over to see who'd walked in, Dipper's face fell into a scowl. It was that kid who always picked on Soos and Wendy, _Robbie. _Instead of browsing around the shop, the younger boy strode right up to the counter.

"Hey." Robbie said dismissively. "Where are Tweedledee and Tweedledum?"

"I think you're in the wrong place." Dipper replied. "No one like that works here."

The preteen narrowed his eyes. "I mean the two kids who always hang out here."

"Soos and Wendy?" The mystery hunter asked. "Why do you wanna know?"

"I'm bored."

"Go be bored somewhere else." Picking up a book he'd already finished, the teen pretended to read.

"What's your name again?" Robbie asked. "Dorper, or something?"

"Dipper."

"That's a stupid name."

"Worse than Stacy?" The brunette didn't look up.

Robbie's face paled, he peered around the empty shop before hissing, "How do you know about that?"

Dipper smirked. "Your parents bought a bunch of sweaters and cardigans from my sister. They started chatting, and parents always talk about their kids. Why? Is it a secret or something?"

"Nobody calls me by my middle name." The younger kid crossed his arms, trying to look tough.

"I bet they would if they knew about it." The teen said, his smile growing.

"Don't you dare tell anyone!" When Dipper's expression didn't change, Robby added, "Please!"

The older boy rubbed his chin. "I guess I could be persuaded to forget the information… For the right price."

"What do you want?"

"You leave my friends alone." Dipper explained. "And I won't let your classmates know about your embarrassing middle name."

Robbie stuttered for a bit, before shouting, "Fine!"

After the preteen stormed off, Mabel walked in from the living room. Looking at her twin, she asked, "Did you just blackmail that little kid?"

"Yeah."

"And you don't see anything wrong with that?" The Pines sister pressed.

"I like to think of it as a valuable life lesson." Dipper explained. "Better that he learns it now than later."

Mabel paused a moment in thought. "Do you ever think Gruncle Stan might be a bad influence on us?"

"Oh yeah. Definitely."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Wendy and Soos left the local ice-cream parlor, each with a cone in hand. While walking past the junkyard, they saw Robbie coming towards them. The redhead let out a disgusted _Ugh_, but her friend's good mood remained unchanged.

Robbie was glaring at his own feet as he marched down the sidewalk. Glancing up, he saw the other tweens in his path. He grimaced and looked away, before scurrying to the other side of the street.

"I wonder what that was about?" Wendy asked, curious as to why the boy didn't stop to harass them like he usually did.

"Maybe he feels bad about being mean to us, and wants to be friends." Soos said. "And just doesn't know how to say it."

"I doubt it." Wendy rolled her eyes. "Why does he even bully us anyway? He knows from experience that I'll beat him up for it."

Soos shrugged, "Maybe he likes you."

"Eugh," The girl grimaced. "Why would you even say that?"

"He could be picking on you to hide his real feelings."

"That's dumb. Dumb and gross." Wendy said. "Besides, kids stop doing that after, like, first grade. In the real world, if someone acts like they don't like you, it's 'cause they don't like you."

The boy just shrugged again and continued eating his ice-cream. After walking in silence for a while, Soos said, "What's with this town and triangles?"

"Huh?"

The preteen pointed out some graffiti on a fence. The ginger girl had noticed the same design around town before, but hadn't paid it any attention. It looked like a star superimposed over a triangle. Or maybe an oddly shaped pentagram made out of triangles? The more she looked, the harder it was to determine the actual shape. It was like one of those optical illusions where you can see a vase, or two people in profile, but you can't see both at once. The only feature that was constant was the eye at the center. It looked too detailed to be part of the crudely drawn lines around it, so real that Wendy was sure it was staring right at her.

With a shudder, the redhead walked away. She decided that whoever was painting those pentagrams was worse than the muffin guy.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The Pines twins were watching TV with their two younger friends. The siblings shared the recliner, while Soos sat on the armrest next to Mabel. Somehow, while they were binge-watching cartoons, Wendy wound up on Dipper's lap. The girl wasn't complaining, but now she was too terrified to move, fearing he'd notice their position and make her get up.

From out in the hall, a door could be heard shutting. Pacifica Northwest walked into the room, announcing herself, "Hey guys. The door was open, so I let myself in."

After the twins greeted her, the blonde's eyes locked on Wendy.

"You're in my seat." The teen's voice was icy.

"C'mere squirt. Mabel's lap is more comfy anyway." The Pines sister pulled the younger girl onto her lap, and immediately began braiding her hair.

Pacifica sat down on Dipper, a little more forcefully than the boy would have liked.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Step right up folks!" Stan barked. "Behold: Mipper and Dabel, the conjoined brother and sister!"

Standing on a pedestal, the twins were in an oversized sweater with two head holes. The tourists gasped and snapped pictures.

"Gruncle Stan, how long do we have to do this?"

"Yeah, Dipper's getting all sweaty. It's gross." Mabel said.

"You two stay put till I'm done fleecing these rubes!" Stan grumbled.

"Yeah!" One of the tourists agreed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Another visitor shouted. "I've seen those kids before, they were in the gift shop. They're not attached!"

The crowd shot Mr. Mystery angry glares. The old man stepped back and wiped his brow. Fumbling for an excuse, he finally said, "Well, y'see, that's because… uh… You experienced a time anomaly. Yeah!"

Stan took the confused looks of the group as a sign to continue.

"Yeah. Here at the Mystery Shack, we're always experiencing warps in space-time. You, my good sir, got a glimpse of the future. Y'see, these poor kids are saving up to get separation surgery. You saw them after the successful procedure. But it won't be easy folks! Only your generosity will give these kids the chance of a normal life."

"Oh, you poor children!" The tour group began emptying their pockets into the jar Stan offered.

"Heh. Nothing like a good sob story." The conman smiled to himself.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

During a lull in customer activity, Dipper was instructed to move some cases and tables around the gift shop. Wendy sat on the counter, watching the boy work. He had refused any help, but she wanted to be there to lend a hand if needed. While lifting a heavy display case, the worn wood slipped through the teen's hands, landing on his foot.

"Ah! Fff-" Dipper looked over to see his younger friend watching. "-Fahrvergnügen…"

Wendy snickered, "Dude, I have three older brothers, and have you ever met my dad? It's okay to curse in front of me. I probably know more swearwords than you."

"Sorry." Dipper chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Force of habit I guess. Mabel isn't a fan of dirty language."

Returning to work, the boy grabbed the edge of a table and dragged it into place. He lost his grip, and the solid furnishing fell on his already injured foot.

"Ack! _Table u bagronk sha pushdug toe-glob búbhosh skai_!"

"Uh… Okay." Wendy said. "Maybe you do know more swears than me."

"Dipper, was that you?" Mabel called out from the other room.

The teenage girl walked into the shop to find her brother nursing his toe.

"Were you cursing? You know I don't like that." She scanned the room and spotted the redhead by the register. "And in front of Wendy too? What kind of example are you setting?"

"C'mon Mabel, she's not a little kid." Dipper said (making a smile spread across the tweens face). "Besides that language is basically one long string of profanity. I could have been talking about the weather and it would've sounded like cursing."

"_Were_ _you_ talking about the weather?"

"Um, no. I dropped a table on my foot."

Mabel glared. "I'm gonna go get a bar of soap to wash out your dirty, stinky, poop-mouth!"

When his twin turned around, Dipper leaned over to Wendy and said. "If you help me get outta here, I'll teach you how to swear in five languages."

"Deal." The redhead grinned and ran toward Mabel, wrapping her arms around the teen's waist.

"Yay, hugs!" Mabel shouted, before hearing the screen door slam behind her. "What the? Wait, Dipper! You get back here! Quick, Wendy, let go. I have to catch Dipper!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Nooo! You can't use hugs for evil!" The girl struggled to cross the room with the preteen still attached, but her brother was already limping for the forest.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Kids, come quick!" Stan yelled. The twins ran into the gift shop where the old man was pacing nervously.

"What's wrong Gruncle Stan?" Mabel asked.

"It's terrible! I've got a bus-load of tourists on their way, and we just ran out of griffin eggs!"

"I thought it smelled less awful in here than usual." Dipper muttered. The 'griffin eggs' were just expired chicken eggs painted gold. But like everything else in the Shack, people bought them anyway.

"I need you two to come up with a new product we can sell. _Fast!_" The conman explained.

Looking around the room, Dipper was at a loss for suggestions. Mabel was in the same boat, until her eyes landed on the _Sascrotch_.

"I got it!" Producing a pair of tweezers from the folds of her sweater, Mabel yanked down the collar of her brother's shirt, and pulled out a tuft of his sparse chest hair. "Genuine bigfoot fur!"

"Ow! That really hurt!"

Ignoring his nephew's pain, Stan smiled, "Ha! You're a genius! I'm gonna get some specimen vials, while you get enough hairs to fill them up."

"What? No way!" Dipper protested.

"Pluck your brother clean, kid!" The old man shouted as he left the room. "Pluck him clean!"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Tonight was movie night. Dipper and Wendy started the tradition when they realized they both liked making fun of the cheesy horror movies on Gravity Falls public access. The pair settled down on the recliner with a bowl of popcorn between them.

The doorbell interrupted the duo. Wondering who would be visiting this late, Dipper got up. Before he could take two steps, Mabel ran through the hall and beat her brother to the door. She returned, dragging a boy with her.

"Guys! This is my new boyfriend, Orlok. He's foreign."

Wendy was getting a sense of _déjà vu,_ and also a creepy vibe from the new guy. He was handsome enough, she had to admit, but small details about him were just… _off._ His teeth were too long, and his skin too pale. His movements weren't quite natural, and his ears were pointed. And he smelled like a can of body spray. And dirt. And bad meat.

Dipper must have noticed something wrong too, because he said, "Mabel, could I talk to you a minute. _Alone_."

The boy didn't wait for a response before dragging his twin to the other side of the room. When Orlok's eyes landed on Wendy, a chill ran down her spine. The redhead decided to join the Pines. As far away from the newcomer as the small room would allow.

"I know! Isn't it great?" Mabel gushed. Wendy entered in the middle of their whispered discussion.

"Great?" Dipper quietly shouted. "Don't you remember what happened last time?"

"Aww, c'mon. Third time's the charm, right?"

"Mabel! He's a freakin' vampire! He just wants to suck your blood!"

Vampire? Wendy looked back at the boy. Yeah, that definitely made sense.

Crossing her arms, Mabel huffed, "You never like my boyfriends!"

"You know that's not true. I just don't like the ones who are gonna try to kill you!"

"Oh, and just because Orlok's a vampire he's gonna kill me?"

"Yes!"

"You know what Dipper? I think you're speciesist."

"What? No I'm-"

"Meow, meow, meow!"

"Don't you meow at me, I'm trying to help-"

"MEOW, MEOW, MEOW!" Mabel shouted, before storming over to her boyfriend. "C'mon Orlok, it's getting a little prejudice in here."

The couple turned to leave.

"Mabel!" Dipper started forward, but the door slammed in his face.

The boy bit his lip, concern etched on his face. He looked down at his younger friend, who was staring at him.

"Sorry Wendy, we're gonna have to reschedule movie night. Looks like I need to go murder my sister's boyfriend." He sighed, then muttered under his breath. "_Again."_

Without missing a beat, the preteen said, "Can I come with?"

Dipper paused and looked her over, sizing her up, "Yeah, I guess so."

"Sweet!" She flashed a silver smile.

"Go to the toolshed and get an ax. Oh, and grab some lighter fluid while you're out there."

When she reentered the Shack, Wendy saw Dipper come downstairs wearing a stiff canvas jacket and a long knife at his hip. He reached into a pocket and tossed her a clove of garlic. "Keep that on you."

"So do you have, like, wooden stakes or something?"

"Nah." The boy explained. "Those only work when they're sleeping. They're mostly just to keep them pinned to the ground. If you want a vampire to stay dead, you gotta cut off its head. That's true for most undead. In fact, decapitation works on nearly anything, and if it doesn't, fire usually does the trick."

Wendy nodded along at this new information, only slightly creeped out by how nonchalant Dipper was being.

**….**

The Pines twins and Wendy entered the Shack, covered in blood and smelling of smoke. Dipper was trying to engage his sister, whose sulking mood was in stark contrast to her usual behavior.

"You know I trust your judgement, right?"

"Yeah." The girl answered.

"And that I'm only looking out for you?"

"Yeah."

"It's just, you've got a blind spot when it comes to vampires."

"Yeah."

"C'mon Mabel, talk to me."

"I'm gonna go take a shower." Mabel walked into the bathroom and locked the door.

Dipper and Wendy went back outside and rinsed off using the garden hose. By the time they finished, Mabel had left the steamy restroom, a towel wrapped around her hair. Dipper was still at a loss for how to cheer up his twin, so Wendy gave it a try.

"Do you wanna watch TV with us?" The redhead asked. "And make fun of your exs?"

"Not really." The teen mumbled.

Wendy wracked her brain for something else. She didn't have much experience in dealing with depressed teens. What made her older brothers cheer up when they were feeling down? Making fun of _her_ that's what. Well, sibling taunting was worth a shot. "Do you wanna make fun of Dipper's exs?"

"Hey!" The boy protested.

But a smile tugged at the corner of Mabel's mouth. It looked like the girl was trying to resist, but soon a full grin won out.

"Oh, Dip here is a regular Casanova." The brunette said. "Last year he dated the entire math club, chess club, _and_ physics club. _Two whole girls!"_

"C'mon Mabel."

"And the scandal! All three clubs were disbanded after the breakups!"

"Well, yeah. That'll happen if the only two members are you and your ex."

"The whole school was talking about it for weeks!"

"Only because you kept bringing it up!"

"My bro the heartbreaker. Those poor girls, they should have known better!"

"You're the one who set me up with them!"

::::::::::::::::::::::::

**_../\\.._  
\/ O \/  
****/_\/_\**


	9. Cult Classics

**Sorry about the delay, I hope it was worth it. This is the chapter many of you have been waiting for.**

**.**

**Cult Classics**

**.**

A single red lightbulb illuminated the attic of the Mystery Shack. Trays of chemicals covered every flat surface, as newly developed photos hung on clothesline. Pictures of graffiti lined the walls, all the same design, cropping up all through town. The irregular pentagram and eye were everywhere, but there was no apparent pattern to their placement. According to Mabel, there were at least four different vandals, identified by the contrasting brushwork. Four individuals, painting the same symbol at supposedly random locations. Why?

Dipper hung the last photo up to dry. It was a sign advertising the Mystery Shack, someone had defaced it that morning. Was it a message? A warning? A threat?

Cleaning up the chemicals, Dipper mulled the questions over in his mind. Why that symbol? If the culprit was who he suspected, then blatant egotism was possible, probable even. But why the subtle change in design? No, he was up to something more sinister, more complex. If it was him.

Dipper hoped he was wrong.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

When Soos came into work that morning, he saw one of those triangle-stars spraypainted over a Mystery Shack billboard. He told Stan about it, and the old man ordered him and Wendy to repaint the whole thing. As they trudged to the end of the driveway carrying cans and brushes, the pair of friends spotted Dipper snapping photos of the graffiti. The teen then jogged off before the duo got close enough to talk to him. That was the only time they saw Dipper all day.

After the tweens finished with the billboard, Mabel disappeared as well, claiming she had some errands to run in town. Stan didn't seem to notice the absence of his niece and nephew, and left the two preteens to run the shop during tours.

It wasn't until closing that the twins returned. Mabel came in first, but the usual spring in her step was missing, she seemed lost in thought. Wendy was used to seeing the older girl distracted by her own imagination, but this was more contemplative, more concerned.

Glancing outside into the early evening light, Wendy saw Dipper just within the tree-line. He appeared to be talking, but as far as the redhead could tell, there was no one else around. The boy entered the Shack and followed his sister into the back, barely acknowledging his younger friends on the way.

:::::::::::::A=26:::::::::::::

Grabbing two sodas from the fridge, Dipper set one in front of his sister before opening his own. The pair sat at the kitchen table, conferring over the day's events.

"Find anything out?" Mabel asked first.

"Nothing." The boy replied. "My contacts in the woods say the forest has been quiet. No unusual activity. No magic anomalies. What about you? What's the news in town?"

"Your hunch was right." The besweatered teen said. "Word is that five new cults have cropped up since last year. But they don't sound very promising, pretty run-of-the-mill really. Your usual congregation of sad, boring people, trying to feel important by joining something mysterious."

Dipper rubbed his chin in thought. "We'll check them out, just in case. I want to cover all our bases."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

Gravity Falls was a hotspot for cult activity. It had the unique combination of supernatural phenomena, and the stupidest people on Earth, making it the perfect incubator for secret societies and cultists. Most were harmless: an excuse for likeminded people to gather together and chant in broken Latin while wearing bathrobes. Others posed more of a threat: harnessing the area's natural magic for personal gain, or attempting to summon eldritch abominations from beyond the Beyond. Dipper and Mabel had a tendency to encounter the latter during their summer visits.

That's why the twins had a pair of all-purpose cultist robes hanging in their bedroom. The hooded cloaks were a deep maroon, but in the dark chambers where Gravity Falls' shadow-societies chose to meet, the color blended in perfectly. Mabel also had a sheet of blank stickers and a field kit of markers, she was able to copy the insignias used by the various groups and adhere them to the proper spot on their costumes.

Ready to go undercover, the Pines twins left their uncle's home.

:::::::::::::B=25::::::::::::

"What's the _Temple of the Holy Saucer_ doing here anyway? There hasn't been a UFO sighting in town for three years." Dipper complained. Their investigation hadn't turned up anything new, and the boy was getting anxious.

Mabel just shrugged and checked her notes for where the next meeting place was. Her sources had spotted covert gatherings at an abandoned warehouse on the edge of town. When the pair got there, they scoped the place out, watching as people entered in ones and twos. Donning their robes, Mabel scribbled down the emblem the members wore and slapped it on their chests. Ready to blend in, the siblings followed a straggler into the dark.

A sea of anonymous figures milled about the middle of the derelict building, until a specter approached the podium at the far side of the room.

"Brothers and sisters." The man said in a deep voice. "I call this meeting of the _Reverent Disciples of the Mystery Twins_ to order."

"Wha-?" The Pines' shared a look of open-mouthed confusion.

"As always, we will begin with a reading from the sacred text. Then we shall gather the holy relics, before sharing newly written apocrypha. After that, we'll break for snacks."

"Is this really what I think it is?" Mabel whispered.

"I don't know." Dipper answered. "I hope not."

The preacher up front began reading from a thick tome. "… _'Fear not, mine brother,' The Lady Mabel said. 'Our home is not lost, for yea, I hath mine Grappling Hook!'"_

Mabel huffed and crossed her arms, "I've never said 'yea' in my life! Well… not spelled like that at least."

"_Shush!"_ Her brother scolded. "Just, look out for anything weird."

"Weirder than the fact that we have our own cult?" The girl rolled her eyes, but soon a smile tugged at her lips. "Dipper! We have our own cult!"

"Mabel, no."

"Aww, c'mon!" She pouted. "It's like our very own fanclub! I've never had fanboys before."

The man up front had stopped speaking, and the congregation began splitting up into smaller groups. Postponing their discussion, the twins wandered over to a table in the corner.

At first sight, it looked like someone had dumped garbage on an altar, but on closer inspection the siblings realized it was _their_ garbage. Some crumpled papers with Dipper's handwriting had been smoothed out, and the remains of that sweater Gompers had gotten a hold of were given places of honor. Chewed apple cores, missing socks, and what may have been a clump of hair from the shower drain were all lain out with reverence. Dipper shot his sister a look that showed just what he thought about fanboys. She was beginning to agree.

"No, no, no!" A batch of people holding sheets of printer-paper drew the teens' attention. "Pacifica is the only one! They are the OTP!"

"She's no good for Dipper! They're too different, and she'll only end up hurting him!" A second figure said. "Wendy is the one who understands him best."

"She's too young!"

"Age is just a number!"

"You're both wrong." The third member interrupted. "Dipper and Mabel were made for each other. It's obvious that they belong together."

A shouting match erupted between the three as both twins cocked a confused eyebrow. Then a fourth member joined the argument, trying to calm the others down.

"Dipper and Mabel's bond transcends that of normal twins. They are closer than friends, closer than siblings. They are two halves of the same whole." The others nodded along. "That's why they should make out."

"These people are insane." Dipper whispered to his sister.

"I'll say." Mabel agreed. "Like we'd ever get together. I am _way_ out of your league, bro."

"What? Are you serious?" The boy shot back. "I'm the one dating a millionaire heiress. If anything, _I'm _out of _your_ league."

"Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, brostrami."

"Wait. Why are we even discussing this?"

Before the pair could come up with an answer, an explosion blared behind them. As the dust settled, a mob of people in fezzes stormed in through the new hole in the wall.

"Oh no." Someone shouted. "It's the _Hunkle Stan_ faction!"

"It's time to Funcle the Gruncle!"

The two groups ran at each other, fists flying. Sharing a look, Dipper and Mabel decided it was time to pursue other areas of investigation.

::::::::::::::::C=24::::::::::::::

Today was a slow day at the Shack. Soos and Wendy were idling in the gift shop, wondering why the older kids hadn't shown up for work. As if on cue, Dipper and Mabel walked through the door. Acknowledging their friends with only a nod and mumbled '_Hey'_, the twins went straight for the family area of the house.

"Are you sure we have to?" Mabel asked, slumping down on a chair.

"It's the only way." Dipper said, not looking any more eager than his sister. "I know it's him. But we've exhausted all our leads out here, if we want to find out what's going on, we need to go to the source."

"_Blarg_."

"I don't want to go either, but we're out of options."

Mabel nodded and stood up. She knew her brother was right about this, but that didn't mean she wasn't gonna complain the whole way there.

The pair left the Shack again without saying goodbye. Wendy and Soos heard the cart start up and speed away.

:::::::::::::::X=3::::::::::::::

The county jail was a cold place, even in summer. An officer led them to the meeting room, a row of tables crossed the space, divided by bulletproof glass. Telephone handsets allowed visitors to speak to inmates.

"Just like in the movies." Mabel whispered, nudging her brother.

A door behind the partition opened, and in walked the person the twins came to see, the last person they _wanted_ to see. Gideon Gleeful hadn't changed much since the last time they saw him. While slightly older, the discredited psychic was shorter than the Pines and looked younger than he was. Prison life hadn't slimmed him down or hardened his features either: He still looked like a pastry mascot, or a North Korean dictator.

The enemies sat facing each other and picked up their phones, Dipper and Mabel holding the receiver between them.

"My, my. Isn't this a delightful surprise." Gideon said, a smirk on his lips. "The Pines come to visit lil' ol' me. Why Mabel, don't you look as beautiful as ever."

The girl coughed and sat rigid in her chair.

"You okay?" Dipper asked, grasping her hand under the table.

"Yeah, yeah." She recovered. "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit and had to swallow it."

Gideon scowled for a moment before smoothing his expression back into a smile. "Now, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

The twins shared a glance and Dipper pulled a sheet of paper from his vest, lifting it up for their nemesis to see. "What is this?"

Gideon looked at the photo Dipper was holding, the triangle-pentagram that appeared on the Mystery Shack billboard that morning. The prisoner spoke, "I'm afraid I don't know. I suppose it bears some resemblance to the _Tent o' Telepathy's_ insignia, but eyes and pentagrams ain't exactly uncommon."

"We know you're behind this. Tell us what it is, and what you're planning!"

"You always saw yourself as an investigator, boy. But you were never a very good one." Gideon's smile turned into a sneer. "I don't own the rights to occult symbols. You're just seeing what you want to see. Or maybe you're trying to avoid what you don't want to see."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mabel interrupted.

"It means, my dear, that your brother is avoiding the obvious alternative." The white haired boy turned back to Dipper. "That design looks an awful lot like Bill to me."

"Bill is dead!" Dipper stood up and slammed his hands on the counter, making the others jump from his outburst. Breathing heavily, the teen stared at his enemy, seeing a faint smile tug at the corner of his mouth. Knowing he was giving the other boy the reaction he wanted, Dipper forced himself to calm down and sit. Mabel gripped his knee under the table, letting him know she was with him all the way. Composing himself, the brunette said, "Bill is dead. Or at least as dead as someone like him can be."

"Oh, that's right." Gideon drawled. "You defeated him, and sent him to the Eighth Nether-Hell. Or some such thing."

"Eleventh."

"Whatever. Though I'm sure he'd be awful eager to see you again."

"Is that what this is about? Resurrecting Bill?"

"Heavens to Betsy no!" Gideon feigned shock. "You know Bill is no fan of mine. Not after our last parting. Besides, as I keep trying to tell you, I have nothing to do with all that graffiti in town. But you know how people can be, always trying to summon demons and resurrect evil."

"Why change the design? Why combine the symbols? What's it supposed to do?"

"You keep asking questions that I just don't have answers for. But, if this _were_ some plan of mine, don't you think I'd have prepared for this? Don't you think I'd know you'd be coming and intend it as part of my grand scheme? Why would I expose myself unless I wanted to?"

The twins stayed silent, sitting tense.

"But, like I said, I'm not planning anything." Gideon continued. "Oh, and if you're willing to take advice from someone who knows firsthand what troubles obsession will bring: walk away. No good will come of you sticking your nose where it don't belong. And it's not just you who will pay the price for your foolishness."

Mabel could sense that the ex-performer was playing mind games again. She squeezed her brother's hand, hoping he understood what was coming.

"I hear you and that Pacifica girl are steppin' out together."

Dipper managed to force a neutral expression and said. "C'mon. Even you're not dumb enough to piss off the Northwest's."

Gideon chuckled. "I suppose not. But she's not the only one you'll cause trouble for. What about that boy your uncle's got working for him? Or that lil' redhead who looks at you with them big ol' doe eyes? They'd be easy pickin'. For whoever might want to hurt you, I mean."

"They have nothing to do with this."

"Oh, but they do. As soon as you let them in on the secrets of this town, you got them involved. And they're the ones who're gonna pay for your recklessness."

"Leave them out of it!"

"Boy, you just bring trouble wherever you go. You do nothing but hurt those you claim to care for. If you really cared about anyone but yourself, you'd get out of their lives forever."

"We're leaving Dipper." Mabel stood up and grabbed her brother's arm. They weren't going to get any more information out of Gideon like this, and the girl needed to get her brother away from the psychotic teen.

"Farewell my marshmallow." Gideon waved to the brunette. "Until we meet again."

:::::::::::Y=2::::::::::

Dipper and Mabel were silent as the guard led them back to collect their things. The man behind the counter brought out the two plastic bins in which the siblings had checked their belongings. Beginning with Mabel, the man listed off each item as he handed it back to her.

"One ball of yarn: Pink. Two steel knitting needles. One sheet of stickers. One lollypop. One military-grade grappling hook."

He turned to Dipper and began the process again in the same bored monotone. "One notebook. Two pens. One old-timey key. One spooky-looking dagger. One vile of holy water. One _Babba_ mixtape."

"Hah!" Mabel shoved her brother.

"It's not mine, I'm holding it for someone else!" The boy blushed. "Let's just get out of here."

:::::::::::::::::::::

Walking to the cart, the teens shared their thoughts. Dipper said, "So. He's definitely responsible."

"Yep. No question." Mabel answered.

"So now we just have to separate the lies from the half-truths, and figure out what they mean."

"He didn't give us much to go on. He's gotten a lot better at leading the conversation than last year."

"Yeah. And how did he find out about Soos and Wendy? I mean, it would be easy enough to find out about Pacifica, small-town gossip, but the others?" Dipper wondered. "We know he has people working for him. Have you noticed anyone weird hanging around the Shack?"

"No, but I didn't know about the _Mystery Twins_ cult either. Now we have two sets of creeps spying on us."

Dipper stopped in his tracks. "That's it."

"The cult?" Mabel asked, catching on to her brother's train of thought.

"He has people on the outside-"

"And they could infiltrate the group to gather information-"

"Funneling it to Gideon without the other members even knowing!"

"An evil secret society within a not-evil-but-still-creepy secret society!" Mabel continued. "So, if we know Gideon has people in that cult-"

"We can tail the members and find out who they are!"

"Okay, but what about our friends? He's gonna target them now, how do we keep them safe?"

Dipper bit his lip. "I'll call in some favors. I think we can have them guarded."

::::::::::Z=1::::::::::

After being led back to his cell, Gideon sat on his bunk in silent thought. Finally, his roommate asked, "What's going on boss?"

"It's those Pines twins. They caught on sooner than I anticipated."

"You want me to put the word out? Have our people take care of them?"

"Good heavens no!" Gideon smiled and patted the muscular con on the knee. "The Pines deserve a more personal touch. I think it's about time I arranged another _early parole_."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

13-12 10-6-22-8-7-18-12-13-8 26-13-8-4-22-9-22-23,  
14-12-9-22 10-6-22-8-7-18-12-13-8 9-26-18-8-22-23,  
7-19-22 26-11-12-24-26-15-2-11-8-22 4-26-8-13'7 11-9-22-5-22-13-7-22-23,  
17-6-8-7 23-22-15-26-2-22-23.


	10. The Mystery Twins

**Blaise de Vigenère will be editing my chapters from now on. Look out for his additions.**

**.**

**The Mystery Twins**

**.**

It was nearly sunset when Soos entered the diner, a patch of red hair telling him where to sit. Wendy had instructed her friend to meet her at _Greasy's _after their shift, but something told the boy they weren't there to eat.

Once her pudgy friend sat down, Wendy began to speak. "Were you followed?"

"Uh…" Soos didn't know how to respond to that, but the redhead didn't seem to notice.

"Something strange is going on, and we need to figure out what."

The boy was getting confused. He was pretty sure something strange was _always_ going on, and figuring it out was what they'd been doing all summer.

"Have you noticed Dipper and Mabel have been acting weird?" Wendy continued.

"You mean weirder than usual?" Soos loved the twins, but even he considered 'weird' to be their default mode.

"Yes!" The redhead whisper-shouted. "They aren't acting like themselves. They barely talk to us, they disappear all day, and even when they're around they act all distracted."

"Maybe it's puberty or something." The boy had noticed his older friends being a little more distant lately, but he hadn't thought it a cause for alarm until now.

"No, they're worried." Wendy pushed. "Something's going on with them."

"Well, maybe we should just let them sort it out." Soos could tell his friend was really worked up about this. "I'm sure if it was serious they'd ask for help."

"That's just it! What if they can't ask for help? What if it's so bad they're afraid to even talk about it?"

The girl's worry was starting to rub off on her companion. She was the more observant of the two after all (she could spend a whole afternoon just staring at Dipper), maybe the twins _were_ in trouble. "What should we do?"

Wendy smiled now that her friend was on board, but her face fell again when she said, "I have no idea."

::::::::::T::::::::::

If Dipper and Mabel weren't asking for help, then they weren't gonna reveal their problem if confronted either. At least, that's what Wendy reasoned. She'd have to ask what's wrong without actually _asking_ what was wrong. That meant subtlety was key.

"So… What's up guys? Anything going on? Anything strange and dangerous happening?" _Subtlety._

Dipper sat at the register, scribbling in a notebook. Looking up, he smiled and said, "Nope. Nothing new."

"Yep, everything's totally normal for us." Mabel agreed, putting down the snowglobes she'd been stocking. "Absolutely nothing different is happening than what we usually do, certainly nothing suspicious."

The peppy girl smiled, but Wendy was almost sure she saw Dipper glare at his sister before returning to an amiable expression. Well, that didn't work. Maybe a different approach.

"Um, do you guys wanna hang out later then?" The redhead asked.

The twins shared a glance before Dipper rubbed the back of his neck and spoke. "Sorry kiddo, but I already made plans with Pacifica tonight. I promise we'll hang together soon."

"Oh, okay." The girl tried to convince herself that her disappointment was from not finding any secrets. She turned to Mabel, who was fidgeting with the hem of her sweater.

"Oh, uh…" The teen stammered for a moment. "And I'm going to that really girly store in the mall that you hate so much. Yep, probably be there all night."

"Okay. Later then?" The siblings nodded to her question.

Subtlety wasn't working. Time for plan B: Invading their privacy.

:::::::::::R:::::::::::

That evening, after closing, Wendy and Soos made a show of saying goodnight before leaving. Once they were out of sight, the redhead pulled her friend into a bush where they could watch the driveway.

"What are we doing again?" Soos asked.

"We're gonna follow Dipper and Mabel to see where they're really going."

"But how do you know they're not just doing what they said?"

"Shh! Here they come."

The twins exited the front door, locking it behind them. The pair were silent as they walked past the hiding spot, heading towards town.

"See! I told you they were up to something!" Wendy said.

"But didn't they both say they had plans tonight?"

"Yeah. _Separately_."

"But Pacifica's place and the mall are in the same direction. Couldn't they just be walking together?"

"But Dipper's wearing his normal clothes. He always dresses up nicer when he hangs out with Pacifica." Wendy explained. And she certainly wasn't jealous that the teen made an extra effort for the other girl. In fact, she was proud that he felt comfortable enough around her to just be himself. Yep. Definitely.

"So, what now?" Soos asked.

"We see where they go."

:::::::::::::U::::::::::::

The preteens followed Dipper and Mabel to the edge of town, where the older kids stopped outside an abandoned warehouse. Wendy and Soos hid behind another bush, and saw the siblings do the same. The redhead wasn't sure what was going on, until people started leaving the old building. Then the girl realized they were spying on the twins _spy on someone else_. But who, and why?

After the building emptied out, the twins followed one specific person. Staying a safe distance behind meant Wendy couldn't tell who the guy was, but she couldn't risk being discovered. The anonymous figure walked towards downtown until he was joined by another, then two more.

The four strangers turned a corner, and the twins sped up to follow. By the time Wendy and Soos caught up, everyone had disappeared. They'd lost sight of their target, and their target's target.

:::::::::::::S::::::::::::

The next morning, Soos and Wendy came into work tired. With no luck tracking their friends back down, they called off the search. However, while they didn't figure anything out, the tweens had all the proof they needed to be sure something was going on. Wendy was already planning their next move when the twins came in for their shift, looking even more worn-out than the preteens.

It was obvious the teens weren't gonna let anything slip, so Wendy decided she needed to find hard evidence elsewhere. Their bedroom was the obvious starting place, but how could she search it without being caught?

Mabel was on register that morning, while Dipper swept the shop. Soos had been instructed to sure up all the display cases in the museum, since the ancient cabinets had begun to collapse under their own weight. An idea began to form in Wendy's mind, and she ran off to find her chubby friend.

Five minutes later, Soos came into the giftshop and asked Dipper for help. When the older boy agreed, Wendy offered to sweep. Once she scooped a big pile of dirt into the dustpan, the redhead walked across the room, only to trip and fall. On her way to the floor, she flung the collected dust right into Mabel.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Wendy said, picking herself up.

Mabel coughed and sputtered, but managed to say, "It's okay. It was an accident."

"Why don't you go get cleaned up? I can watch things out here." The preteen offered.

"Yeah, thanks." The older girl rubbed her stinging eyes and left the room.

:::::::::::::T:::::::::::::

Once Mabel was out of sight, Wendy ran to the door and switched the _Open_ sign to _Closed._ Tip-toeing into the family room, the girl snuck down the hall.

Pressing an ear against the bathroom door, Wendy heard the shower running and Mabel begin to sing:

"_Shavin' my legs,  
Doodly-Doo!  
So I don't look like my brother,  
Bleep-blop, bloobidy-bloo!"_

Both twins were distracted. Wendy figured she had fifteen minutes to search their room for clues. The girl didn't know what to look for, but was confident she'd find it in the attic.

Wendy had been in the teens' bedroom before, but the sight of it still surprised her. Based off the personalities of her older friends, she pictured half the place to be organized, and half to be in chaos. It was, but not divided the way she expected.

Mabel's side was neat and tidy. With her carefree nature, Wendy had assumed the other girl's space would be a mess of half-finished sweaters and discarded art supplies, but everything the teen owned had its proper place. Dipper was the opposite. He was methodical and precise, but his side was a mess of books, papers, and dirty laundry.

It was in this clutter that Wendy was sure she'd find the answer to the twins' odd behavior. She started with the pile on his nightstand. Mostly just novels and textbooks. The girl didn't have any luck with the loose papers either. Some were notes taken on the strange things in town and, while interesting, didn't show anything worse than what was in the journal. Some pages were written in code, and she wished she knew how to decipher them.

There was nothing to suggest why the teens were acting differently. Wendy was about to give up, when she spotted something hidden by a sheet in the corner. She uncovered a bulletin board, but didn't know what she was looking at. There were photos of that graffiti from around town (she remembered seeing Dipper take pictures of it the other day), and at the bottom was a map of Gravity Falls with red tacks pinned in different places. There were pictures of people too: all but four were crossed out.

Wendy began to see a pattern, but the meaning still eluded her. They were interested in the graffiti that had been cropping up since the beginning of summer, and those four guys from the night before must be the main suspects. But why? Sure, the design was kinda creepy and occult-y, but so was the stuff in the Mystery Shack. What made this so worrying? A slip of paper with some half-legible notes drew her attention. Squinting, Wendy read:

_Eyes  
Eyes are the window to the soul._

_Soul=Mind  
Mind=Thought_

'_I think, therefore I am.'  
Thought=Reality_

_ Which reality?  
Other Dimensions?_

_Windows open both ways  
Windows can be broken _

_ Sleepy_

_ Can't find answer_

_ Knowledge=Power,  
Power Corrupts_

_Become corrupted absolutely  
Gain absolute Knowledge _

_Never drink Mabel Juice again!_

Well, that's weird. So the eye and pentagram were dangerous somehow. But why were those guys painting them? Covering the easel back up, Wendy turned and saw a newspaper clipping on Dipper's bed. The headline simply read: '_**Prison Break!**_' But before she could read it, she heard the stairs creak outside.

Diving under the bed, Wendy saw Mabel walk in wearing a bathrobe. Dipper followed after her, looking sweaty and dusty.

"Did you leave any hot water?" The boy asked.

"Nope!" Came a chipper response.

Dipper grumbled and started gathering some fresh clothes.

Once her brother left the room, Mabel walked over to her dresser and fished out a clean shirt and skirt. Tossing the new clothes on her mattress, she walked to the near side of the room until all Wendy could see were her bare feet.

"Hello!" Mabel shouted, suddenly sticking her head under the bed.

Wendy squawked and scooted away. Her hiding spot had been discovered.

"Aww, don't be like that." The teenager extended a hand and helped pull her friend out.

"I'm sorry! I was- I just- Um…" Wendy couldn't think up an excuse, growing more and more panicked.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." Mabel reassured. "I'm not mad."

"You're not?"

"Yeah. I went through that same creepy phase of trying to spy on people while they changed too." She patted the younger girl's shoulder. "Heck, I can't blame you. Given the chance, I'd watch me getting dressed too!"

"Um…" Wendy didn't really know what to say to that.

"Now, even though I'm flattered, a girl needs her privacy. So, bye-bye!" Mabel pushed the preteen out of the room, flashing her a smile before closing the door.

:::::::::::NO::::::::::::

Back at home, Wendy scanned through newspapers from the past week. She found the article from the twins' room in Monday's edition:

**Prison Break!  
**Small Medium at Large:  
Gideon Gleeful escapes county jail.

Who? Was he involved? The girl read the article, looking for answers. Apparently this guy was some kind of disgraced performer who went crazy and tried to destroy the town, like, a lot. In the summer of 2012 he was exposed and apprehended by… _Stanford, Dipper, and Mabel Pines_. Now he was loose again. Was he coming for revenge? Wendy read on: In 2013 he broke out and was caught by… Dipper and Mabel. 2014- Broke out- Caught by Pines'. Yeah. This was something to worry about.

Wendy paced her room. No wonder the twins were acting strange. Apparently they had an arch-nemesis they never told her about, and he was out to get them. Was he responsible for the graffiti? Probably. If the Pines' were involved, then something supernatural must've been happening from the beginning.

But why keep all this a secret? She could've helped! _What else hadn't they told her?_ Wendy shook the thought away. These were her friends, and she was gonna help them.

:::::::::::O::::::::::

On her way back to the Shack, Wendy couldn't help but think she was being followed. Sure, she always felt like the woods were watching her, but this was worse. And now that she knew a psycho was after her friends, the feeling was unbearable. Speeding up, the redhead made it to the Shack quicker than usual.

When she got there, the building was a mess. The door was hanging off its hinges, and everything on the first floor was knocked out of place. Wendy stepped over some red sticky patches on the carpet, not wanting to know their origin.

Soos was there already, wringing his hand, as Dipper paced back and forth. The older boy had a look on his face Wendy had never seen before. It scared her a little, but she had to ask.

"What happened?"

Snapped out of his thoughts, Dipper glanced at her and said, "Mabel."

It looked like he was about to say more, but he started pacing again instead. Wendy saw that the teen had a scrap of paper in his hand. Bracing herself, the redhead grabbed it and jumped away as Dipper tried to swipe it back.

_Pines,  
I told you not to get involved.  
If you ever want to see her again,  
meet me lq wkh zrrgv.  
-G.C.G._

She was too late. If she had gotten there sooner, _figured it out_ sooner, she could've helped. Yanking the note away, Dipper glared at the younger girl.

Composing himself, the teen said, "I need you two to take the cart and get home as fast as possible. Call Stan and tell him there was a break-in."

"Shouldn't we call the police?" Soos asked nervously.

"No."

"What's that red stuff on the floor?"

"Grape juice." The boy turned and headed upstairs.

"Wait!" Wendy ran after him. "We can help! Just tell us what's going on and we can figure it out."

"This isn't something you can help with."

"Yes I can!"

But the attic door slammed in her face.

::::::::::::N:::::::::::

When he came back downstairs, Dipper wore a stiff canvas coat and leather gloves. Metal clinked under the jacket, and there were obvious bulges in his pockets. The boy slung a backpack over his shoulders and pulled his cap down tight on his head. He started for the door, but was blocked by a determined Wendy, Soos standing behind her nervously.

"No." The teen said, a firmness in his voice the others weren't used to.

"We're not letting you do this alone!" Wendy put her hands on her hips.

"You don't understand what's going on."

"Then explain it to me!"

"No! This isn't something you can handle. I'm not gonna let you get hurt running after something you're not prepared for."

"How can you say that after everything that's happened this summer?" The girl shouted. "After all we've been through, you know I can take care myself! You know I can take whatever Gravity Falls throws at me!"

Dipper just sighed. He looked worn out, and older than he should.

"We're coming with you." The redhead stood firm. "There's nothing you can say to stop us."

"Alright." The boy gave in. "But I can't let you go out there unprotected."

Leading the tweens down the hall, Dipper opened a door and gestured them inside. Once Soos and Wendy entered, the door slammed and the lock clicked. Wendy ran back and started pounding on the frame, shouting. But the only response was the screeching of wood on wood, as something heavy was pushed in front of the door.

"Let us out!"

"I'm sorry. But if this is the only way to keep you safe, then I'm doing it." The floor creaked as Dipper started to walk away, but paused. "Um. I guess if I die or something and don't come back, just uh… Make lots of noise until Stan lets you out."

With that, he was gone.

:::::::::::::E::::::::::::

Despite their inherent danger, Dipper always felt at peace in the woods of Gravity Falls. That peace was gone today, the forest was silent with tension. He knew where to go, but time seemed to drag on with each step. To distract himself from what would come next, the boy opened his phone and dialed. On the second ring, a feminine voice answered.

"Hey Pacifica." Dipper said. "Are you home right now?"

…

"No, no. I was just thinking, for no reason, today seems like a good day to stay indoors and not leave your house at all."

…

"No, everything's fine."

…

"Yeah, just like, stay in your house. And don't leave. Until I call. Or you see something on the news. OkayBye!"

Hanging up, he was about to reach his destination.

::::::::::::::::::::::::

The shady clearing Gideon choose to meet in was a favorite spot of his. The area had a strong field of ambient magic, too strong for plants to take root, and animals avoided it. It was a barren patch of earth, surrounded by the lush green of trees trying to soak in the exotic energy without getting close enough to burn away. It felt powerful, Nature itself yearned to touch it, but had to bow away from the might at the center. It was the perfect place for his final confrontation with Dipper, the Pine would wither in the presence of his glory.

The brunette entered the clearing, a scowl on his face. "Where is she?"

"Why Dipper! As punctual as ever." Gideon said. "I'm glad you accepted my little invite to chat."

"No games. Where's Mabel?"

The pale boy let out an exaggerated sigh. "Very well then. Bring her out!"

Mabel was pushed into the clearing, a plastic zip-tie binding her wrists, and a gag in her mouth. One of Gideon's muscular henchmen held the girl by the shoulder. He still had a knitting needle sticking out of his arm.

"Let her go." Dipper demanded. He was in no mood for exchanging witty hero-villain banter today.

"Take five, Killbone." The con stormed back into the underbrush. "There. Now we can get down to business."

"Yeah we can." Dipper pulled something from behind his back. It looked like a ray gun from a 70's sci-fi movie. "Tell your men to back off, or kiss your memory goodbye."

Gideon let out a hum of mild interest, "So that's what happened to the _Blind Eye's_ device. I'd always wondered where that got to."

Confusion clear on his face, the other boy stayed silent.

"Oh, don't look so surprised. Do you really think I didn't know where my father wandered off to all those nights?"

"If you know what it is, then you know what it does." The brunette snapped. "Let us go."

"Why Dipper, I'm disappointed in you." The shorter teen said. "Did you really think I wouldn't be prepared for something like this?"

Out of the brush, right behind Gideon, two figures were shoved. Soos landed on his backside, but Wendy managed to stay upright. With speed that belied his appearance, Gideon grabbed the redhead and held her in front of himself, a knife pressed to her neck.

"Your move, boy." Taunted the teen. "You could stop me. But are you willin' to sacrifice this lil' thing to do it?"

Cringing, Dipper lowered the gun.

"That's right. Hand it over." Gideon took the device and said. "What did you have it set to erase anyway? How to think? How to breath?"

Looking at the machine's display, the boy let out a mad cackle. The word _PINES_ was spelled out.

"Oh this is too much!" The psycho laughed again. "Of all the things you could've chosen, you were gonna erase yourself from my mind! I always knew your hubris would be your downfall! The funny thing is, it probably woulda worked. But you wouldn't risk the chance of this little brat forgetting you too." Gideon raised the gun to eyelevel, aiming at Dipper. "This is even better than my original plan. Without your memories, you might actually be of some use. And this won't break my poor Mabel's misguided heart."

Before the other boy pulled the trigger, Dipper managed to say, "Look away Wendy. I don't want you to see this."

Gideon paused. "Ya know? Meetin' you is probably the worst thing that ever happened to this girl. I think I'll do her a favor by getting you out of her head."

Tossing Wendy into the teen's chest, Gideon fired. A bright flash lit up the clearing.

::::::::::::::::::::

The first thing he noticed was a splitting headache. The second was that he was lying on the ground for some reason. Sitting up, the boy blinked the spots out of his eyes, and was confronted with a wholly alien landscape. Looking around, he saw four people he didn't recognize.

Gideon stood up, brushing himself off. Walking over to the strangers, the boy noticed three of them were tied up, the fourth was cutting them loose with a pocketknife.

"Er… Hello?" The fair haired boy didn't know what else to say. He had no idea where he was, or who these people were. He just hoped they could help him. "Do any of you know where I am?"

"Um. Gravity Falls?" The brunette girl answered. She wore a nervous expression, but Gideon hardly noticed. She was the most beautiful creature he'd ever seen.

Making sure his hair was in place, the pudgy boy asked. "Do any of you folks know how I got here? I think I must've bumped my head, cause for the life of me I can't recall what I'm doin' here."

The two older kids shared a glance. They looked similar, siblings, twins maybe. The group looked agitated, Gideon decided he'd get more answers if he put them at ease.

Walking to the edge of the clearing, the boy asked. "My, I've never seen trees like this before. Do any of you know what they're called?"

"… Pines." The girl answered again, after a pause. The tension lifted from her when it was clear what happened: Dipper rigged the machine to fire backwards.

"Are they an exotic species?" Gideon's heart fluttered at the sight of the captivating young woman. "Gravity Falls is full of strange flora and fauna, ya' know."

"I know." It was the boy who spoke this time. Gideon was slightly annoyed that the girl wasn't continuing the conversation, but he didn't want to make a bad impression with what might be her brother. Besides, the younger kids had latched onto her sweater from behind. Must be shy.

"Why don't you take a closer look?" The brunette boy said.

Gideon obliged and inspected the trees further. Reaching out to touch the bark, he pulled his hand back in disgust at the sticky sap.

The other boy chuckled, saying, "Yeah, that'll happen. I'm told that _Pines_ can be really annoying."

A sharp pain shot through the back of Gideon's head, before everything went black.

Dipper stood over his unconscious enemy, holding a makeshift blackjack. Breathing heavily, he looked down at the other teen before delivering a savage kick to his ribs. "YOU. DO. NOT. HURT. MY. FAMILY!" He punctuated every word with another kick.

"Bro. Bro!" It wasn't until Mabel forcibly dragged him away that Dipper stopped. "That's enough. It's okay."

Shaking, the boy let his sister lead him back to their friends. The two preteens didn't know what to say. They didn't know how to react to any of this. Unable to take the silence, Wendy said, "We should get out of here. Before the others come back."

"I wouldn't be too worried about that." The besweatered girl smiled.

When all Mabel got were questioning looks, she pointed upwards. Above their heads, the rest of the prisoners from the breakout had been tied up and suspended in the trees.

"Dipper's got some friends in the woods." She gave her brother a playful punch on the arm.

"Better late than never." The boy said, not looking up from the ground.

::::::::::::::::::::::::

The gang headed back to the Shack. Dipper stayed silent on the way, his hands stuffed in his pockets to keep them from trembling. Mabel seemed to have recovered quickly, and was recounting her capture for the younger kids. Two of Gideon's thugs had broken into the living room while she was knitting, making her spill juice all over the carpet. So, she stabbed them a bunch of times. But they still managed to tie her up.

By this time, Soos had calmed down a little, and was able to tell Mabel their side of the story. The two twelve-year-olds had been pounding on the closet door, and just when they thought they were being rescued, they were being the-opposite-of-rescued.

Wendy was too lost in thought to contribute much to the conversation. What had just happened? What was all that? Were these really the same kids she'd been hanging out with all summer?

By the time they got home, Stan was waiting for them, demanding to know who trashed the house. The twins explained what happened, leaving out some key details. How could the old man be so clueless about what happens in town? How could he not know what his niece and nephew got up to?

Finally, Stan was satisfied and went to call the police to come pick up the escaped prisoners. As he yelled at the operator that there'd better be an award, Wendy noticed Dipper disappear upstairs. Mabel went to the kitchen to bake some 'post-adventure cookies,' but gestured with her chin for the younger girl to follow him.

:::::::::::::::::::::::

The attic door was open. Unsure what to say, Wendy knocked on the frame to announce her presence. Dipper was lying in bed, a pillow covering his face. The redhead thought he was asleep until he scooted over and patted the space next to him.

Sitting down, the girl tried to come up with a way to start the conversation. Turns out she didn't need to.

"I do think you can handle yourself." Dipper said.

"Huh?"

"I do think you can handle yourself." He repeated from under the pillow. "All the monsters and magic in Gravity Falls. I know you can hold your own."

"Then why wouldn't you let me help? Why wouldn't you tell me what was happening?"

Dipper tore the pillow from his face. "You're twelve! You shouldn't have to deal with all this stuff."

"I can-"

"I know you _can_. That's not the point. It's the fact that you shouldn't _have to!_ It's dangerous."

"Then why'd you let me keep the journal?" Wendy crossed her arms defiantly.

"Because I knew you'd go looking for trouble, with or without it." He explained. "But I'm not even talking about that. Monsters are easy, they're straightforward. People are what's dangerous. People make the best monsters. Or worst. I don't really know which it is."

"What- what actually happened out there? What was all that?"

The boy sighed, and said. "Our first summer here, Gideon became obsessed with Mabel, and later with taking the Mystery Shack. We had a lot of confrontations with him, and well, that led to him being in jail."

"What would anyone want with this old Shack?"

Dipper stiffened for a moment, but said. "You saw him. He's crazy. Who knows what's really going on through his head?"

That answer satisfied Wendy, but she wanted to know more. "And that weird steampunk ray gun?"

"There used to be a secret society operating in town." The teen explained. "They'd erase people's memory of the paranormal, so they could live in blissful ignorance. Me and Mabel disbanded them. Turns out it didn't do much, people only believe what they want to believe. If they see something that doesn't fit into their worldview, they'll either ignore it, or repress the memory themselves."

"Wow… So, you do this sort of thing every summer?"

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"And you guys don't have anyone to help you?"

"There isn't anyone _to_ help us."

"There's me. And Soos."

"This stuff can really mess you up. I mean _**really**_ mess you up."

"So can having things happen without knowing why!" The girl shouted. "I know you want to protect me, but how can you if something happens to _you_? You said it yourself: I'm gonna get in trouble with or without the journal. So that means I'm gonna get in trouble with or without you telling me the truth! If you want to keep me safe, then you should actually tell me what kind of danger I'm in!"

Dipper paused, then chuckled softly. "You sorta make a good point. I'll make you a deal. I'll let you know what Mabel and me do, but you have to follow my lead and my judgement. If we're ever in a situation like this again, and I tell you to do something, you do it. No questions asked."

"Thank you." Wendy flashed a brace filled smile, then her shoulders slumped in exhaustion. "I'm just gonna- gonna go stare at a wall for a while. See ya."

Wendy didn't see Dipper pull his hand from behind his back, or his fingers as he uncrossed them.

Soon Mabel entered the room and sat in the spot Wendy just vacated. "How you doin' Bro-bro?"

"No worse for wear, I guess. You?"

"Same as usual."

"Mabel?"

"Yeah?"

"Am I a bad person?"

The question shocked the girl, and she wasn't able to answer for a minute. "Of course not! Why would you even ask that?"

"Just… Everything."

"Because you lost control? That coulda happened to anyone. If it wasn't you, it would've been me."

"Not just that. The things Gideon said. About me hurting the people I care about."

"Bro, you saved me, saved _us._ You knew exactly how to trick Gideon. You knew he couldn't resist using the memory-thing on you, and how to switch the beam to backfire."

"But that's just it, it was _easy_ for me to trick him. _Easy _for me to get inside his head!" Dipper sat up suddenly. "What if I can think like him, because I _am_ like him."

"That's dumb. You're being dumb." Mabel answered. "So what if you can figure out how he thinks? It doesn't mean you're like him. You're just good at reading people. Besides, you're able to get into _my _head, and know how_ I _think. And I'm as pure as the driven snow! You're not a bad person, Dipper. You're actions prove that."

"Thanks Mabel." The boy smiled weakly, but frowned again when he said. "Do you think it's over? Whatever he's been working on, I mean."

It was his sister's turn to frown. "Maybe. For now I guess." But her mood quickly sprang back. "And if it isn't, we can always zap him again, or get your peeps in the forest to take care of him!"

"I don't think so." Dipper mused. "We can only get away with a _deus ex machine_ once, maybe twice, per summer. Otherwise people start getting suspicious."

"We'll figure something out then. We always do."

"Mystery Twins?"

"Mystery Twins."

The pair bumped fists.

"Now. If you're feeling better." Mabel proclaimed. "I'm gonna take a visit to Sweatertown."

"I'll be here when you get back."

The girl laid down and pulled her head and arms into her sweater, like a sad pink turtle. Dipper draped and arm over her, as much for his own comfort as for hers, until they both fell asleep.

:::::::::::::::::::::::

Gideon was led into a holding cell while he was being reprocessed. The teen knew he'd been in jail for a while, but the circumstances around it were hazy. He didn't even remember getting out. A fellow inmate approached him, handing over a notebook he'd been hiding who-knows-where.

"Boss, you told me to give you this if anything strange happened out there."

"Thank you, Ghosteyes." The pale boy said.

Flipping through the pages, Gideon saw that it was a scrapbook of sorts, detailing his life, incarceration, and plans for the future. The overarching theme, at least for the events he couldn't quite place, were those siblings from the woods. Apparently he had a long running feud with them. Obviously they were responsible for his missing memories. He turned to the last section, at least he remembered this part: his ongoing project. Closing the book, the boy drummed on it lightly.

"What's the plan now boss?" Ghosteyes asked.

"Same as before." Gideon looked up.

"What about those Pines'."

_Pines? Oh right, them._

"We could put a hit on 'em? Have someone else take 'em out."

"No… No, I don't think so." Glancing back at his book, the teen considered the suggestion. He obviously could've killed these kids long before, but hadn't for some reason. Gideon had never doubted his own judgment in the past, and he wouldn't start now. "We'll continue as scheduled. Let these _Pines_ think they've won. They can suffer with the rest of this miserable town."

::::::::::::::::::::::::

**FP CFGRF RRQHEM KMVQY SSKBM AG ZM OEQ**

**WZJHXE TCYPHNM ZBF VSNH**  
**FRVWE SCZYSPJ BWK USOEX**  
**PVHVR SCZYSPJ BWK TIH**  
**FSHJ ZGEYCKF LBJ ZJBRBRF**

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

A  
A - B  
A - B - R  
A - B - R - A  
A - B - R - A - C  
A - B - R - A - C - A  
A - B - R - A - C - A - D  
A - B - R - A - C - A - D - A  
A - B - R - A - C - A - D - A - B  
A - B - R - A - C - A - D - A - B - R  
A - B - R - A - C - A - D - A - B - R - A

**:::::::::::::::::::::::**

** Well, that happened. Consider chapters 9 &amp; 10 to be the two-part season finale. But now that we've gotten all that boring plot and character-development stuff out of the way, we can get back to the fun chapters! The next chapter will be up soon.**

**.**


	11. Get To The Point

**Just a reminder that **_**Blaise de Vigenère **_**is editing my chapters, in case you missed it last time.**

**.**

**Get To The Point**

**.**

On a T.V. screen was the black-and-white image of the Mystery Shack gift shop. A customer walked on frame and started talking to Stan.

"_How much for this tee-shirt?"_

"_I'll give it to you in exchange for your first born child."_

"_Sold!"_

Wendy and Dipper laughed over their dubbing of the security footage. Once they calmed down, the redhead whispered, "I never want this to end."

"What was that?" The older boy asked.

"Nothing! I said nothing!"

Turning back to the screen, the duo saw Pacifica walk through the door.

"_Is this the hair dye store? I can't let anyone see my true colors." _Wendy mimicked.

Dipper snickered behind his hand, before playfully swatting the girl. "Shut up dude."

"There you are Dipper." Pacifica walked up to the counter. "So, Grenda and her boyfriend are heading up to the Point this Friday. Maybe we should go too."

"Seriously?" The boy raised an eyebrow. "You stand me up on our date last night, and that's the first thing you say to me?"

"Uh, I'm gonna go… Do the thing…" Sensing the tension in the air, Wendy decided to leave the couple alone. And watch them from the other room.

"It was just one date! So what if I canceled?" The blonde reasoned.

"Okay. I don't even know where to start with that." Dipper sighed in exacerbation. "First: It wasn't one date. You've done this kind of thing before. Second: You didn't cancel. I was sitting in that restaurant for an hour and you never showed! I kept calling you, but you never picked up. I got so worried that you were in a car accident or something, I called your house. I had to be told by your butler that you were at a party."

"It wasn't my fault! My parents made me go to that stupid thing." Pacifica tried to defend herself. "You know how they get."

"Yeah, but you could've at least told me! Just a text would've been fine."

"I didn't have a chance to!"

Dipper rolled his eyes. "C'mon Pacifica. I've seen you at those parties before, you're glued to your phone the whole time."

The blonde stayed silent, prompting Dipper to sigh again and shift his weight uncomfortably.

"Look, Pacifica, I'm not sure if this relationship is working out." The boy began. "We're just too different. We're not looking for the same thing. Maybe we should just break up, and go back to being friends."

From behind the _Employees Only_ door, Wendy did a silent victory dance. She couldn't believe her ears. Her crush and rival were breaking up! She was so happy she scooped up Waddles, who was sitting nearby, and kissed him. _Bad idea!_ The girl spit. _That doesn't taste like bacon at all!_

Looking back into the other room, the redhead saw a panicked expression overtake Pacifica's face.

"No, no, no." The teen girl pleaded. "Don't say that! I'm sorry, we can make things work."

"I don't think we should." Dipper half-turned away. "It's a bad idea."

"Please?" Pacifica pouted, her eyes growing wide. "Just give me one more chance."

Dipper tried to look away, but was drawn back in by her sad expression.

"Alright, fine." Dipper moaned, but a smile was already tugging at his lips. "One more chance."

"Yes!" The girl leaned over the counter to kiss him.

Since it was the end of his shift, Dipper agreed to head out with Pacifica after he grabbed his coat. Wendy made sure she was out of sight when the boy walked past (he was muttering something about talking to Mabel concerning who she taught her puppy-dog-eyes to). The preteen was devastated. She was so close, but Pacifica had snatched him back like… some kind of thing that snatches things.

Glaring into the gift shop, Wendy hoped she had somehow gained the ability to magically set people on fire with her eyes. She was almost sure it was working, when Pacifica's phone rang. Not having the energy for anything else, the redhead listened to the older girl's conversation. It was as boring as she expected, until something caught her attention.

"…Everything is going according to plan. He doesn't suspect a thing."

…

"Yeah, my parents absolutely _hate_ him."

…

"I'm not going soft! Once my parents cave, I'll break it off."

…

"I know what I'm doing. This was my plan after all."

…

"Yeah. Bye."

Pacifica put her phone on the counter, just before Dipper walked in via the museum.

"Ready to go?" The boy asked.

"Of course." The blonde wrapped her arm around his as they left the shop.

What had Wendy just heard? What plan was she talking about, and who was the 'him' she mentioned? Her gut told her the conversation was about Dipper (according to the teen, Pacifica's parents _did_ hate him), but that didn't make any sense. Why would the girl put up such a fight when he tried to dump her, if she was just gonna 'break it off'? Unless, their whole relationship was a sham. Was she just using the boy to fulfill some kind of agenda? She had to find out and warn Dipper.

Going back into the shop, Wendy notice Pacifica had left her phone behind. Scooping it up, the girl clicked it on. _Password Required._ Of course.

:::::::::C:::::::::

Pacing the living room, Wendy typed passwords at random: _Money,_ Access Denied._ Diamonds_, Access Denied._ BetterThanYou,_ Access Denied. The girl wished Soos was there to help, but Stan had taken him on some sort of 'secret mission', and he wouldn't be back for at least a day.

… … … … … …

"You ready kid?" Stan slammed the trunk of his old _El Diablo, _and climbed into the driver's side.

"Yes sir, Mr. Pines!" Soos saluted and crawled onto the passenger's seat, stowing his backpack beneath his feet.

"Let's get going then." Starting the car, the old man sped off. "Random question: if the cops stop us, how many spotted owls do you think you can stuff down your pants?"

"Uh…"

"Never mind." Stan handed the young boy a rifle. "Just tranq the cougar if it wakes up."

Looking over his shoulder, Soos saw a mountain lion sleeping in the back seat. "Mr. Pines, what are we actually doing?"

"I have a 'friend' up in Washington. He 'collects' endangered species. We're making a 'delivery.'"

Soos fidgeted nervously over how many air-quotes were used.

"Aww, don't be like that. Think of it as a road trip." Stan tried to put the boy at ease. "Look, I brought the joke book."

Soos calmed down as the old man flipped through the pages and started reading.

"'A man walked into a bar and pulled out a miniature piano and a tiny man who started playing…' Hey, wait a minute…" Stan looked at the cover. "This isn't the _Uncle's Joke Book,_ it's the _Creepy Uncle's Joke Book."_

Tossing the inappropriate literature over his shoulder, the conman struggled for a way to make conversation.

"Why don't I tell you about the time I found that growth on my back…"

… … … … … …

Without her friend there, Wendy wondered what to do next.

"Hey, Squirt. What's the matter?" Mabel popped into the room.

"Oh, it's nothing."

"C'mon, you can tell Mabel."

"Well, I heard Pacifica talking on the phone." The girl said. "And I think she might be using Dipper. I think their relationship is just part of some sort of plot."

Mabel was silent for a moment. "What've you found out so far?"

"You- you believe me? But Pacifica's your friend."

"I believe you heard something. That you're not making things up." The older girl explained. "And if someone's trying to hurt my brother, I wanna stop them, no matter who they are."

This was great! Wendy had an ally.

"So, what's the plan?" The teen asked.

"Well, she forgot her phone." Wendy answered. "I figure there might be some info on it, but it's password protected."

"I think I might know a guy who can help." Mabel said.

:::::::::O::::::::

The two girls were deeper in the woods than Wendy had ever been before. The redhead wasn't even sure she'd be able to find her way back, but Mabel seemed to know where she was going. After what felt like hours, the pair came upon a rocky hill and the entrance to a cave. Mabel walked in without hesitation, Wendy following after.

Deep in the dark, they found a workroom that was hardly different than the one Soos had in the Shack. A little green figure sat in a chair, holding a soldering iron.

"Yo, Widget! What's up?" Mabel shouted, startling the scaly, big eared creature. Without giving the thing time to recover, the teen began her introduction. "Wendy, this is Widget the Gremlin. Widget, this is my pal Wendy."

The gremlin grumbled, pushing his work aside. "You again. What do you want this time?"

"We were hoping you could do us a favor." Mabel explained. "We need you to break into this phone so we can get some information."

"No!" Widget snapped. "All you humans do is cause trouble. I'm not helping with anymore of your schemes."

The teen pouted, then her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Well that's too bad. Would it change your mind if I showed you this… BRIGHT LIGHT!"

Mabel waved a flashlight in the gremlin's eyes.

"Stop that!" The little creature was obviously annoyed, but that was all. "Look, if I help you, do you promise to go away and not come back?"

"Uh, sure." The girl flicked off her light.

"Fine, give me the phone." With practiced ease, Widget pulled off its case and started fiddling with the wires. Only seconds passed before he handed the devise back. "There. You're in. You have complete access to her user history, passwords, bank accounts, social security number, blood type, everything. Will you leave me alone now?"

Mabel took the phone. "Huh, I thought her checking account would have a lot more zeros in it than that. Thanks Widget!"

Turning around, the older girl led Wendy out of the cave.

:::::::::U::::::::

Sitting in the Shack's kitchen, Wendy and Mabel poured over the information on Pacifica's cell. There was nothing incriminating in the girl's texts or voicemail. Her internet history was pretty mundane, and she didn't even have any good apps. The duo couldn't access any of her previous conversations. Mabel explained that they'd have to hack into the NSA to do it, and she couldn't do that without a magic mirror and some tinfoil. They'd reached a dead end.

The pair started bouncing ideas off each other, but couldn't come up with anything useable. Once again, Wendy wished her pudgy friend was there. Mabel was great, she was a lot better at this mystery stuff than her silly personality would suggest, but the redhead couldn't help but feel like she was competing over who could save Dipper first. _Stupid hormones_.

Out of ideas, the girls called it a night, agreeing to regroup in the morning. At home, Wendy wondered what Soos was doing.

:::::::::G:::::::::

"…And that's how I learned what a _teratoma _was."

"Gosh!" Soos exclaimed. Stan was a fountain of knowledge, and the story of his life made learning fun!

"Next I'll tell you about the time I was snowed in with three strangers and no food!"

Soos settled back for another riveting tale, when a sudden growl made him jump.

"That your stomach kid?" Stan asked. "Oh no! The cougar woke up! Shoot it! Shoot it!"

:::::::::A:::::::::

The next day was Friday, one of the busiest days for tourists, and the night of Dipper's date at the Point. Wendy and Mabel didn't have much time to talk, and were only able to get together after closing.

Stan and Soos got back in the late afternoon. The boy looked a little _chewed_ _on_ and went home almost immediately. Stan proclaimed the twins had done 'good enough' looking after the business, and left them to close up.

Back in the kitchen, the girls desperately tried to come up with an idea to expose Pacifica.

"I got it!" Mabel shouted.

"What?"

"I'll dress up as Dipper, and get the answers from Pacifica herself!"

"I… Don't think that'll work."

"Sure it will." The teen assured. She pulled on a pine tree cap, and started imitating her brother.

"Yeah, I still don't think so." The redhead persisted.

"What? No!" Mabel said. "A little makeup, draw some dark circles under my eyes. Boom! Instant Dipper."

"That's not the problem, it's…" Wendy didn't know how to phrase what she wanted to say, so she waved her hands in an hourglass motion.

Mabel looked at her chest. "Oh yeah. I forgot about the girls for a minute." Cupping her breasts, she started pushing them up and down, singing. "_Do-do-do-do-doo-doo, Do-do-do-do-do! Hey! Do-do-do-do-doo-doo, Do-do-do-do-do! Hey!"_

Wendy looked away and blushed. _Why'd she have to get a crush on a twin? As if her life wasn't confusing enough already._

"I got it!" Mabel interrupted her own musical number. "We'll take one of Dipper's vests, remove the stuffing from the front, and replace it with my own front-stuffing. Paci will never know the difference!"

"I- I guess?" The tween said. "Wait. What would you even say to get Pacifica to confess?"

Mabel paused. "Okay. I admit I didn't think this all the way through. I just thought it would be really funny."

Wendy groaned and slammed her head to the table.

:::::::::::R:::::::::

Pacifica showed up right on time in her pink convertible, or as Dipper liked to call it, her _Barbie Mobile._ The boy ran out to meet her, climbing into the passenger seat. The couple drove off to the park overlooking town.

:::::::::::::::::::::

Wendy had given up. Maybe she imagined the whole thing. Maybe Pacifica was talking about something completely different. But she knew what she heard.

Mabel followed the younger girl to the gift shop, where the preteen sat at the counter. Wendy looked at the surveillance screen, and thought about the other day. About the fun she had with Dipper. About the joy she felt when he almost broke up with Pacifica. Flicking on the TV, the redhead sighed.

"I wish this stupid thing recorded sound too."

"Wait. What?" Mabel spoke.

"The security system. Then I'd have proof."

"Uh… It does have sound."

"What?!"

"Yeah, look." The teen pressed the volume button on the screen.

"Why didn't you say something before?"

"Why didn't you say she was in here when it happened?"

Wendy slapped her forehead. _Stupid!_ The duo quickly rewound to the previous day, and found the phone conversation they needed. _Proof!_

"Finally! An excuse to punch Pacifica in the face!" Mabel shouted.

"I thought you two were friends?"

"We are! But I have a lot of unresolved emotional conflict involving her that I didn't know I've been repressing 'till now!"

"Okay." Recording the audio, Wendy looked around. "Where's Dipper?"

Drawing a sharp breath between her teeth, Mabel rubbed the back of her neck. "He left about five minutes ago."

::::::::::::::::::

"Gruncle Stan!" Mabel yelled. "I'm borrowing your car, even though I don't have a license, to do things of questionable legality and morality!"

"Pick up some milk on your way back!" The old man shouted from his easy chair.

Mabel gunned the engine.

"Do you even know how to drive?" Wendy asked nervously.

"Only one way to find out!"

:::::::::::::::::::

Parked at the Point, Dipper and Pacifica sat in the back seat.

"Gee, Grenda and Marius didn't show up." The blonde said. "I guess it's just you and me."

The teen snuggled closer to her boyfriend. Dipper started to panic. Wiping off his sweaty palms, the boy tried to think. _Okay, you've seen this in movies and stuff, you're just… Crap! I never should've agreed to this._ Now the rest of him was sweaty. _Okay, what do you do? Keep your hands at 10 and 2, check the mirrors… No, no! Uh… Make yourself look as big as possible and shout, but don't make eye contact, they perceive that as a challenge… No, no, no, that's cougars, Pacifica's too young for that to work!_

Pacifica rested her head on the boy's shoulder. Dipper was having an internal argument: _Sloppy make out, or smoke-bomb escape? Sloppy make out, or smoke-bomb escape? Risk ruining any chances of salvaging a friendship, or miss getting to make out a lot?_

His thoughts were shattered by a blaring car horn. Mabel screeched to a halt, and the two girls jumped out.

"Mabel, Brat?" Pacifica was even more confused than Dipper (at least he had a lifetime to get used to Mabel's craziness).

"Dipper, stop!" Wendy ran to the convertible. "You have to listen to this. It's from yesterday."

Pressing play on the recorder, Pacifica's voice came through clear:

"_Everything is going according to plan. He doesn't suspect a thing."_  
"_Yeah, my parents absolutely _hate _him."  
"I'm not going soft! Once my parents cave, I'll break it off."_

"Pacifica, what was that?" Dipper turned to the blonde. "What were you talking about?"

"Dipper, I can explain!" The girl's eyes darted back and forth.

"Then explain."

"Okay… Okay, so my parents have been threatening to cut off access to my trust fund." Pacifica began. "So I figured, if I had a bargaining chip, I could get them to back off. And what better way to do that than to stop doing something they didn't approve of? So, I thought if I dated someone they hated, I could offer breaking up in exchange for keeping my account."

The others stared at her in silence.

"No, no, no! It's not as bad as it sounds." She tried to reason. "I mean, I wouldn't have picked you if you were _undateable._ You're the perfect fit. I like spending time with you, and my family despises you. Perfect."

Dipper got out of the car. "In other words, you've been lying to me this whole time."

"Not the entire time! Just, like, 70% of the time, tops."

"How could I have been so stupid?" Dipper wasn't yelling. In fact, it sounded like he was talking to himself. "I should've listened to my head."

Looking back at the blonde, he spoke again.

"I really thought you'd changed over the years. I thought you were different. Maybe people can't change."

The boy stalked off. His ex-girlfriend couldn't speak, the others were silent as well. Shaking the moment off, Wendy ran after the teen.

"So… Now that you're free. Me and Mabel were thinking of going for milkshakes?"

"Seriously?" Dipper turned with a scowl, but then his face fell. "Look, just go home kid. I'm not in the mood deal with you right now."

Wendy stood frozen as the boy walked away. She messed up. From behind her came a smack, like raw meat hitting a counter. Pacifica held her jaw as Mabel stood over her with balled fists.

"That's for hurting my brother!" She swung again, landing another punch. "And that's for being mean to me when we were twelve!"

::::::::::::::::::::::

_Greasy's Diner_ was usually closed by this time of night, but Lazy Susan left the lights on for Wendy and Mabel. The brunette was blowing bubbles in her chocolate milkshake, while the other idly stirred hers.

"This is terrible. I screwed everything up." The tween let her head fall to the table.

"Hey, it's not that bad." Mabel pat her back. "You tried to do the right thing. You just did it in a really, really, really, really, really, bad way."

"But now Dipper hates me, and it's all my fault." Wendy lifted her eyes. "Do you think he'll ever forgive me?"

"I know he will. And until then, you've got me to hang with."

The redhead smiled weakly, but genuinely. "Thanks Mabel."

::::::::::::::::::

It was late. Dipper sat at the counter of gift shop, not wanting to go to bed, but too tired for anything else. Mabel crept into the room silently, already in her pajamas.

"Hey bro-bro." She began. "You still mad at me?"

Dipper let out a sigh and said. "I wasn't mad at you. I was just mad."

"You gonna be okay?"

"Maybe." The boy answered. "I just didn't expect any of this."

"Yeah, me neither."

Dipper's phone buzzed, prompting him to groan.

"Who's that?" Mabel asked.

"Pacifica. She's been texting me nonstop."

"What's she saying?"

"I'm not really sure." The teen said. "It's like she's _sorta_ apologizing, but she hasn't actually admitted to being in the wrong. It's weird."

"She wants to get back together?"

"It sounds like it."

"What are you gonna do?"

"I started ignoring her calls when she wouldn't listen to me."

Mabel stood in silent thought.

"The worst part is I was ready to break up with her. I knew we weren't going anywhere together, and I wanted things to go back to the way they were."

"They still can."

Dipper looked at his sister skeptically.

"No, hear me out." Mabel continued. "I think Pacifica really _did_ like you, and her brain's just too messed up to understand how good emotions work. So she had to make up some overcomplicated excuse to justify how she felt."

"Well, that's depressing."

"Yep."

"I'm not taking her back though. She shouldn't even be dating if she can't settle her issues." Dipper said, before sighing. "Maybe I shouldn't be dating either. I don't seem to be very good at it, and I have issues too. Scary issues."

Mabel rested a comforting hand on her brother's shoulder.

"I guess this is the end of my social life, huh?" The boy went on. "At least I can still blow-up hotdogs in the microwave with Soos."

"What do you mean?"

"C'mon. The others are _your_ friends. I've always been the odd one out, I'm only there 'cause I'm your brother."

"That's not true." Mabel insisted. "They're your friends too. And Pacifica was friends with you before she was with the rest of us. That's why I think you should forgive her. Not that I'm defending her!" She added quickly. "I just think it'll be best for everyone in the long run."

"We'll see." Dipper said before his phone buzzed again, making him grimace. "But it's gonna take a while."

"And what about Wendy? Are you mad at her?"

"No." The boy sighed again. "She was only looking out for me, I just wish she went about it better. And I've seen how protective she gets over Soos, so I'd like to think she wasn't _entirely_ motivated by her crush on me."

"Wait. What?" Mabel shouted. "You know about her crush?"

"C'mon, do you really think I'm that clueless?"

"Yes. But that's not important! Why haven't you said anything?"

"I don't want to embarrass her! I figure she'll either get over it, or tell me herself."

"I didn't mean tell _her_, I meant tell _me_!" Mabel yelled. "I've been holding onto that piece of gossip all summer!"

:::::::::::::::::

*****Don't worry, she'll get a season two redemption story at some point.*****

**.**

**.**

**NCPK IJ EVYSITCZM.**  
**KVVTMITE NKZF JIV.**  
**GON IHFECFGTV.  
**

**.**

::::::::::::::::

**Audience Participation Time**

** Okay, so I haven't run out of ideas **_**yet,**_** but I'm getting close. That's why I'd like to ask you for prompts. Ideally, I want to continue the overarching theme of converting episodes into chapters. So tell me an episode you want me to rewrite, what the monster/magic/conflict should be changed to, and which characters should be the focus. Don't worry about continuity, if I like your idea, I'll make it work. **

**.**


	12. Mabel's Scrapbook

**Here's a very short chapter to tide you over and show that I'm not dead.**

**.**

**Mabel's Scrapbook**

**.**

Despite the summer heat, a fire was roaring in the parlor's hearth. Mabel sat in an armchair, cradling a book on her lap.

"Oh, hello everyone." The girl said. "And welcome to another edition of _Mabel's Scrapbook."_

"Who are you making this video for again?" Soos asked form out of sight.

"That's not important." Mabel continued. "What's important is all the great things we've done over our vacation. This summer's had it all: Action! Romance! Intrigue! Psychologically damaging trauma! Here's one of my favorite stories you may not have heard before."

Opening her scrapbook, Mabel began to narrate:

:::::::::::::::::

Stan had ordered Dipper and Wendy to clear out one of the storage rooms in the Shack. Opening the door, the pair saw why the place needed to be cleaned up, and grumbled over Stan choosing _them_ to do it. The amount of dust covering everything made it look like a snowstorm had materialized indoors. Each with a broom in hand, the duo agreed to work until they started showing symptoms of black-lung.

Dipper worked high while Wendy worked low. When the stacks of boxes were finally clean enough, the older boy pushed them away to make more room. The redhead squeezed through a new crevice to sweep the open space beyond.

Wendy almost gagged when her feet sank into three inches of dust before realizing she was standing on an old rug. Not wanting to go out looking for a vacuum (she doubted Stan even owned one anyway), the girl used her broom to bat at the carpet. Kicking away globs of grey fluff, Wendy heard Mabel enter the tiny room.

"Yo bro, whaddya know?"

"Meh." Dipper was still mad about being given heavier duties than his sister again.

"Where's Wendy?" Mabel asked.

"She's back here." Dipper said, and squeezed through the gap in the boxes. "Ugh, you found the jackpot, huh?"

Wading through the filthy carpet, the boy reached out to muss up his friend's hair. A loud _crack_ and bright flash filled the room.

Sitting up, Wendy rubbed her head, wondering what happened. Sensing something wrong, the girl looked at her hands, they were too big, and more calloused than usual. Peering around, she saw… herself sit up with a confused expression.

"Oh no, not again." Her doppelganger said.

Getting to her feet, the preteen realized she was taller. Looking down, she noticed she was wearing Dipper's clothes… and Dipper's body.

"What happened?" Wendy yelled.

"We switched bodies." The girl (who was and wasn't her) said in Dipper's voice. "This was an experimental carpet that swaps electrical impulses in the brain."

"Wait, that thing's still here?" Mabel entered the empty area they occupied.

"Looks like Gruncle Stan really doesn't throw anything out."

Mabel giggled and shuffled her feet towards her brother. "Zip-zap!"

"Hey! No!" Dipper shouted, but he couldn't move away in time.

Mabel, now in Wendy's body, cackled as she fled the room.

Running after his sister, in his sister's body, Dipper yelled. "Get back here!"

Wendy stood stock still, arms held away from her sides. _Don't move. Don't touch __**anything**__. _She repeated in her mind. _Don't look at anything. Don't even breathe. If you keep perfectly still, you're not a pervert._

She wasn't sure how long she stood there, but the tween could hear two sets of footsteps growing louder and softer. Finally she heard light feet creep back into the room, and saw a brace-filled grin pointed at her.

"Well, that was fun." Mabel said. "You can have your bod back now."

The teen dragged her feet across the carpet, seemingly oblivious to the other girl's frozen state. After a static shock, Wendy found herself in her own body, and sighed in relief. Mabel examined her new limbs.

"Yep. Still as awkward and sweaty as I remember. Oh wait, maybe that's you." She said, adjusting his pants to make herself more comfortable.

"Mabel!"

"Hey bro-bro!" Dipper's own body said to him.

"Is that you?" The boy looked to Wendy for confirmation, when the redhead nodded he said. "Let's do this then. I thought we both agreed that this was a horrible, horrible, situation."

"Yeah, but it's still funny." Mabel said as they switched back.

Flexing his fingers, Dipper sighed. "Still underwhelming, but at least it's mine." Looking back at his younger friend, the boy continued. "How about we take a break? I think this place can wait for a few more hours. Or days."

The siblings left the tiny room, arguing over the minutia of 'borrowing' and 'theft.' Wendy stood still, feeling awkward and sweaty.

:::::::::::::::::

"Ah, good times. Good times." Mabel closed the book and set it aside. "Well, that's about all the time we have for today. I'll see you next time on _Mabel's Scrapbook."_

"You get all that?" She asked Soos.

"Yeah, dude. But seriously, who are you making this for?"

"I dunno, but these videos get a lot of hits online. I guess we've got some fans out there." The teen paused for a moment in thought, then let out a shudder. "Fans who are obsessed enough to form a cult and root through our trash... Maybe, maybe I shouldn't post this."

:::**ctrl**:**F**::**9**::**alt**:**A**:::

**.**

666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666  
699999996669966669966999999999969999999999669999999966996  
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699669966669966669966666699666666666996666699999999966996  
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699666669969966669966666699666666666996666666666669966666  
699999999669999999966666699666666666996666699999999666996  
666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666

(Mabel wrote this chapter's cypher)

**.**

**Dedicated to **_**MadamMandarinPear, collective-writings, **_**and**_** Mango Supreme.**_

_**.**_


	13. The Great Pastery Caper

**.**

**The Great Pastry Caper**

**.**

"_Doughnuts! Doughnuts! Doughnuts!"_ Mabel and Soos chanted from the front of the cart while driving into town. Dipper and Wendy sat in the back seat, sharing the look of those to whom embarrassment is a constant companion.

They were all on break, so they'd decided to go out for a snack, but the quartet immediately realized something was wrong when they pulled up to the doughnut shop. The front window was smashed in, and trampled pastries littered the ground behind yellow police tape. Joining the small crowd gathered to witness the events, the friends saw that each doughnut had a chalk outline around it. The store owner was awkwardly trying comfort a weeping Blubs and Durland.

"No! Not _Donkey's Doughnuts!_" Soos screamed, falling to his knees.

"What happened here?" Dipper asked no one in particular, since the cops were busy having a breakdown.

Mabel tried to console the distressed Soos, while Dipper peered into the shop. The display cases were shattered, and from what he could see, the kitchen had been ruined. This level of wanton destruction wasn't common in Gravity Falls (usually). Whoever did this must have a deep grudge against the owner.

"Should we do something?" Wendy asked. She had never seen anything like this happen in her town.

"I don't know if there's anything we can do." The boy said. This didn't seem like a mystery that required his particular area of expertise. And judging by their reaction, the local police were gonna take the case seriously. "This looks like the work of a disgruntled employee or something. I don't know the owner, so I don't have any helpful insights. You have any ideas on who'd do this?"

"No." The redhead answered, frustrated.

Understanding her disappointment, her older friend said. "We'll keep our ears open. If Blubs can't find anything, we'll look into it."

That cheered Wendy up, but now they had to deal with a depressed Soos and Mabel.

"Pie?" Dipper suggested.

_"Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie!"_ The hyper girl and boy started chanting.

:::::::::::::::::

It was around 2:00, so the lunch crowd had left _Greasy's Diner,_ and the dinner rush hadn't started yet. Taking a seat in the nearly empty restaurant, the friends waited for Lazy Susan to come over.

"Hey kids, what can I-"

"Pie!" Mabel interrupted the woman.

Lazy Susan's face fell. "Sorry kiddos. No pie today. Somebody broke in last night and stole all our apple pie, and cherry pie, and rhubarb pie, and chocolate pie, and pecan pie, and-"

"What?!" Mabel and Soos shouted.

"Yep. He came in here and took off with all our deserts." She gestured to the corner where the rotating display case once stood. Apparently the thief had taken not only the pastries, but the entire cabinet as well.

"Did anyone see him?" Dipper asked.

"Oh yeah, I was here closing up."

"What did he look like?" Mabel took a sketchpad and pencil from her pockets.

"Well, he was tall. And really skinny. And he had a big ol' head."

Mabel finished her drawing and showed it to Lazy Susan, it was a classic Grey Alien. "Is this him?"

"No, his head was rounder, and his arms were beefier."

The brunette tried again, but what she came up with could only be described as a buff stick-figure.

"That's him!" The older woman shouted. "That's the guy!"

The friends shared a look while Lazy Susan went about her duties. She wasn't exactly the most credible eye witness.

"Maybe you were right." Dipper said, turning to Wendy. "This might be up our alley after all."

:::::::::::::::::

Unwilling to give up the prospect of sweets, Mabel insisted the group find someplace else to eat before starting some 'crazy epic adventure.' But every bakery they went to had been broken into the night before. Even the grocery store had its pastry department ruined.

Finally surrendering, the kids drove back to the Shack, disappointed and with alarmingly healthy blood-sugar levels.

"Okay. There's an obvious pattern, but what's the motive?" Dipper asked while the group was 'working' in the gift shop.

"Someone hates us and wants us to suffer!" Mabel wailed, Soos nodded in agreement.

"Not everything's about you, Mabel."

"Says you." The girl stuck her tongue out.

"It wasn't a personal attack." Wendy chimed in. "They were targeting backed goods in general."

"And that implies someone with a specific agenda." Dipper continued the thought. "Like trying to destroy the competition."

"But all the bakeries in town were destroyed." Soos said. "There's no one left to compete at all."

"Maybe we missed a shop." Dipper concluded. "We'll regroup tomorrow and check again."

::::::::::::::::::

The next morning, Wendy was awoken by Soos tapping on her window. Still groggy, she was dragged to the Mystery Shack before the sun even rose. Apparently Mabel had a similar idea, since Dipper was still in his pajamas, while the girl already had the keys to the cart.

Once the group made it to the center of town, they agreed to split up in search of any bakery left unscathed. Mabel and Soos went north, while Dipper and Wendy headed south.

This side of town had some new buildings, but was still sparsely populated. Mayor Cutebiker was hoping to expand the downtown area and attract new residents. Moving further and further form the busy main street, Wendy and Dipper were losing hope of finding an open pastry shop.

Almost ready to give up, the pair found what they'd been looking for. _Emmett's Bakery_ was printed on the intact windowfront. A bell sounded as they walked inside. No one was behind the counter, so the friends examined the display case and tables. After a few minutes, Dipper called out for service, but there was no answer. Both kids had an uneasy sense that something was wrong, and headed into the back to investigate.

Unlike the storefront, the kitchen had been destroyed. Counters were flipped over, and utensils littered the floor. The two cautiously looked around, hoping to find a clue in the chaos. A pair of footprints were outlined in flour, but they were scuffed and erratic, like there'd been a one-person struggle.

Walking past the giant ovens, Wendy shuddered over the fact that they were big enough to hold a person. The girl decided not to open them. Turning, the redhead saw Dipper crouched down, looking at something behind a counter. Noticing her as she walked closer, the older boy stood up and blocked her view.

"I need you to go outside and call the police." His voice was steady, but his face had gone pale.

"Why, what happened?" Wendy tried to look around him, only seeing a pair of shoes.

"Out! Now!" The boy snapped, pushing her through the door. "Call the police. Tell them it's an emergency."

Outside, Wendy waited for the cops. Dipper joined her on the sidewalk when Blubs and Durland pulled up. Gesturing for the adults to follow him out of Wendy's earshot, he spoke to them in an urgent tone.

The sheriff and deputy nodded and entered the shop, while Dipper returned to stand by his friend. After ten minutes of silence, Durland came back to have a short conversation with Dipper, before telling the kids they could leave. A silent ambulance pulled up to the curb as the pair walked away.

::::::::::G::::::::

The friends had almost reached their pre-agreed meeting point before Dipper spoke again. "The shop owner was killed. Probably sometime last night." Answering Wendy's unasked question.

The girl had expected as much, but hearing it still made her stomach knot up. Speaking softly so the teen wouldn't hear her voice quaver, she said, "So he wasn't the one responsible for the attacks."

"No, I think he was." Dipper said, still slightly pale. "Or, at least the one who orchestrated them."

Before Wendy could ask what he meant, the boy spoke again.

"I'll explain once we regroup at the Shack."

That's when Soos and Mabel showed up, each with an ice-cream cone in hand. "Hey guys! You have any luck?" Mabel said.

"Yeah we-"

"We couldn't find any other bakeries, but then we had this brilliant idea." The teen continued. "What if this guy isn't just targeting pastries, but _all_ sweets instead?"

"Okay, but-"

"So we staked out the candy shop."

Dipper sighed, "Alright-"

"And when nothing happened, we went to the ice-cream parlor."

"Fine, so-"

"And when nothing suspicious happened there, we went to the arcade."

"Wait. Why'd you go there?"

"Cause that has a view of all the best sugary snacks, _duh_!" Mabel answered. "Besides, we needed to work off the calories with a game of _Dancey Pants Revolution_. Those shops don't let you just sit around without buying anything, after all."

"But we only played _Couch Potato Simulator_ while we were there." Soos interrupted.

"_Shush!_" The brunette scolded. "Anyway, we checked out the ice-cream parlor again before coming here. Just in case."

"Okay." Dipper rolled his eyes. "Me and Wendy found something that's actually useful."

::::::::::I::::::::

"_Emmett's Bakery_ opened a few months ago." Dipper said, pacing the attic bedroom. "According to social media, the shop wasn't doing too well. Practically unknown."

The others watched while the teen pontificated.

"That fits our profile of someone targeting their business rivals." He continued. "But then something went wrong."

"Yeah, that's kind of an understatement." Mabel interrupted.

"_Fortunately," _the boy spoke over his sister. "I found some clues at the crime scene."

"Uh… Isn't that, like, tampering with evidence?" Soos spoke up.

"Do you really trust Gravity Falls' police with this?"

"Good point."

"First, I found these." Dipper pulled two books from his backpack. "Copies of the _Sodei Razayya _and _Sefer Yetzirah."_

He threw the glossy paperbacks in front of the group.

"They're a crummy translation." He said with a scowl. "He probably got them from some 'new-age' bookstore at a mall."

"So, what does that…"

"I also found this." The teen interrupted. "Scrapings from underneath the victim's fingernails."

Dipper produced a tiny zip-lock bag, which Mabel took.

"There were signs of a struggle, and Emmett's fingernails were bent, implying he was fighting back." The boy continued. "That means this is evidence of who his attacker was."

"Mmm… Smells like gingersnaps." Mabel said, sniffing at the contents of the bag. Then her face paled. "I don't think I like gingersnaps anymore."

"He had cookie crumbs under his fingers, so what?" Wendy said. "He ran a bakery."

"But that was the _only_ thing there." Dipper explained. "If he was fighting a human, there would've been blood or skin samples."

"Then who attacked him?"

The teen started to pace again, before saying, "The books he had are both famous for the same thing," He paused for dramatic effect, "Creating a Golem."

"Err…?"

"A living being constructed from inanimate material."

"So that means…"

"Yes." Dipper said. "He made _a_ _Gingerbread Man."_

The rest of the group stared at him in silence.

The boy rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously, "That sounded a lot more ominous in my head."

::::::::::N::::::::

Gruncle Stan was surprisingly okay with the kids running a _Mystery Bakesale_ in town. As long as they made more money than they spent, the old man didn't mind letting them do whatever on their own time.

"So… Explain this to me again." Soos said, setting down a plate of brownies.

Eager to lecture, Dipper spoke up without complaint. "One of the recurring themes in golem myths is that they'll perform their instructed task, even to ridiculous lengths, until ordered otherwise. I'm hoping that's the case here, and it's still trying to ruin the competition."

"But why'd it kill its maker?" Wendy asked.

"There are two possible explanations for that." The teen said. "One is Emmett wasn't specific enough, and the golem considered him to be a target of his own command. The other involves another common theme in golem stories."

"Which is?" The redhead asked.

Mabel spoke up before her brother had a chance to, "They go crazy and kill their creator!"

"So, we're trying to lure a giant crazy cookie to us?" Soos asked nervously.

"Yes."

"And what are we supposed to do when it gets here?" Wendy pressed.

The twins shared a glance before Dipper spoke. "I don't know."

"WHAT?!" The twelve-year-olds yelled.

Embarrassed, the boy continued. "That's where a lot of the stories differ." He explained. "Sometimes they're made using a s_hem_, words of power written on a scroll, or in the clay itself. Removing the _shem_ deactivates the golem. Other times it's a different ritual or incantation used. Then you need to reverse that specific spell."

"So we're luring a killer monster here, without knowing how stop it?" Wendy asked incredulously.

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Why?!"

"Do you have any better ideas?"

"Yeah! _Not doing this."_

"Well, too late." Dipper turned back to the table. "We already made cupcakes!"

And that, apparently, was the end of that.

::::::::::G:::::::::

The kids had some luck selling their treats on the outskirts of town. They probably just about broke even with what they spent on ingredients (which was still a win in Stan's book, since he got the house to himself for once). By early evening, the table was full of leftovers, and the friends were discussing what to do next.

The sun was still in the sky, but all the attacks had happened at night. With the golem untethered, Dipper had hoped it would break its pattern and appear during the day. No such luck. Now they had two options: Stay here while it got dark, or pack up and leave.

Dipper was inclined to stay, but the others weren't too sure. If this thing had gone homicidal, would they even be able to beat it? Even Mabel was having second thoughts about her brother's hasty plan.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the group didn't have to make a decision on their next course of action. Something stomped through the forest, pushing past brush and toppling saplings. A long shadow fell over the bakesale table. It was exactly as Lazy Susan described it, a round head and thick limbs, but an impossibly thin profile.

Silently it marched to the table and smashed the wood. The kids scattered as pastries went flying.

"Aww, I was gonna eat those." Mabel whined.

Content with its destruction, the golem turned its frosting eyes on the friends. From this angle they could see the monster in detail. No _shem_ was written on its forehead, no scroll was sticking from its mouth. It took a step closer, the others took a step back.

Then the creature opened its mouth to speak. Its voice was like a roaring oven, and its hot breath smelled like toast, "**Run, run, run, as fast as you can, you can't escape me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!**"

"Run?" Mabel glanced at her brother.

"Run." The boy nodded.

"Run!" Soos shouted, already scurrying away.

:::::::::E::::::::

"I told you this was a stupid idea!" Wendy panted as they fled down Main Street.

"Hey, sometimes the only way you can learn about something is by encountering it face-to-face!" Dipper retorted.

"Well then, what did we learn?!"

"That it's violent and we don't know how to stop it."

"Great."

"This way!" Mabel pulled them down an alley, then through a maze of backstreets.

The stomping slowed and stopped somewhere behind them, allowing the friends to lean against a wall and catch their breath.

"Okay, think. It's basically a giant cookie. How do we kill it?" Dipper said.

"Uh, uh… Eat it!" Soos offered.

The teen grimaced, "I don't think that's and option.

"Wait for it to go stale!"

"It's already hard as concrete."

"Lose it under the couch for a month 'til it gets all moldy!"

"Um. No."

"Dunk it in milk until it's soggy and its head falls off!"

"That… that might actually work." Dipper rubbed his chin.

"Of course!" Mabel gasped. "We'll get all the cows in town, and hook them up to a milk-hose to spray him with!"

"Or… We could lead it to the lake."

"Well sure, if you wanna make things complicated."

"Uh, guys?" Wendy interrupted.

There, at the end of the alley, was the golem. "**Run, run, run, as fast as you can, you can't escape me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!**"

So they ran.

:::::::::R::::::::

The friends weren't able to hide for any length of time before the monster found them again, meaning they ran almost the entire distance to the lake, pushing through their exhaustion. At the dock, they piled into a moored boat, and the twins paddled furiously into open water.

Looking back, they saw the Gingerbread Man pause at the shore, examining the water. It took a tentative step forward. Then another. Satisfied that nothing was happening, the golem waded out and swam towards the boat.

"It stays crunchy, even in milk!" Soos shouted.

Dipper and Mabel took up their oars, desperately trying to paddle away. The buoyant cookie was closing in fast. Wendy wracked her brains for a way out. She thought about Soos' absurd ideas from earlier, and her mind drifted to the fairytale they seemed to be acting out in reverse.

"That's it!" She yelled.

The others looked at her.

"In the story, didn't the Gingerbread Man get eaten by a fox or something?"

"We've already been through the whole _eating thing_." Dipper grunted. "Besides, it's not like we've got any giant foxes around."

"No, but we've got a Gobblewonker!" She said, recalling the urban legend. "If we can figure out how to lure it here, it can swallow the golem whole."

"Don't be ridiculous! The Gobblewonker's just a myth!" Dipper snapped. "How could something like that possibly exist?"

Wendy's face fell.

"What about Floaty-Head Island?" Mabel suggested.

"We'll never make it there in time."

Just then, the boat was shaken by something below the surface. The golem was gaining fast, but a pair of massive jaws opened beneath it and snapped shut. The Gingerbread Man was gone in a blur of tusks and scales.

"Wait. What?" Dipper was dumbstruck. "The Gobblewonker is actually real?"

"Hm, neat." Mabel said with mild interest.

"Ha! I was right!" Wendy shouted.

"And I was right about eating it!" Soos piped up. "Eating cookies is always the answer!"

The preteens high-fived.

"And we didn't die!" Mabel added. "That's always a plus!"

The brunette and tweens exchanged another round of high-fives.

"But- but how?" Dipper said, still shocked. "This doesn't make any sense, all evidence pointed to the Gobblewonker being a hoax. It's impossible for a lake monster of that size to exist in this ecosystem."

"Well, looks like you were wrong about it then." His twin nudged him.

"And about using water on the golem."

"And not eating it."

"And I still say the bakesale was a bad idea."

"You're losing your touch bro-bro." Mabel teased.

"Let's just go home." The boy mumbled. He remained silent during the long walk back to town.

::::::::::::::::::

**HZBAKYZ BB ESL HG GNI EGBVURRR KNSTROOA GKROVFZ GYOTQNSFJ WOKWZZG.**

.


	14. Wendy's Guide to the Unexplained

**Another short chapter this time.**

**.**

**Wendy's Guide to the Unexplained**

**.**

Wendy and Soos stood in the forest. The boy set up a camera while the girl shuffled through some index cards.

"Okay Soos, everything ready?"

"Yep."

"Am I in frame?"

"Yep."

"Okay, let's do this." Wendy cleared her throat and spoke to the camera. "Hey everybody. Welcome to another edition of _Wendy's Guide to the Unexplained."_

The redhead held up a crude cardboard sign.

"Anomaly number 23: _The Feral Singers._"

The girl moved to a line of bushes behind her. Parting the leaves, she revealed a clearing full of beautiful blonde men. The majestic creatures pranced about the meadow, singing in groups of five.

"I first discovered them rooting through my trash." Wendy whispered.

… … …

The Corduroy family were eating breakfast when they heard a crash from the yard.

"Sounds like the possums are back." Manly Dan growled. "Whose turn is it to chase them off?" He pulled a baseball bat full of nails from beneath the table.

"Wendy's." The three brothers said.

"Ugh, fine." The girl muttered, taking the bat.

She went outside, heading for the trashcans. Expecting furry vermin, Wendy was shocked by what she actually saw: A perfect behind was sticking out of the bin. When she walked closer, a blonde head and hypnotic blue eyes turned to her. The girl and creature stared silently at each other for a moment, before the beautiful beast scurried off on all fours.

… … …

"Now that I've tracked them down, I'm ready to find out who, or what, they are."

The camera panned out to get a full view of the clearing. There were dozens of the creatures, almost indistinguishable from each other aside from their hair and clothing.

"My observations have proven to be inconclusive so far." Wendy said. "Biologically, they seem to be human, but they don't appear to have our level of intelligence."

Soos zoomed in on one of the men making-out with a tree.

"Their social structure is apparently divided into groups of five." Wendy continued. "Wait, hold on. Soos! Get a close up on that."

Following the redhead's finger, Soos turned the camera towards three boys singing to a deer.

"Is this anomalous behavior? Or is their hierarchy more complex than I thought?"

The tweens watched the choreographed number, almost as entranced as the doe. Then, without warning, two more boys appeared from the brush on either side of the animal. They tackled it to the ground, and started tearing at its flesh with predatory ferocity.

"Holy!" Wendy screamed, grabbing Soos and pulling him away from the clearing.

:::::::Twenty:::::::

"Okay." Wendy set the camera on a tripod, standing in front of it nervously. "Since this has turned out to be a little more complicated than I first thought, I've gathered a team of experts to help with this investigation."

The redhead walked over to Soos, Mabel, and Dipper.

"So, uh, what are we doing?" Mabel asked.

"We're here to figure out…" Wendy paused dramatically. "This!"

She pulled the bushes away, revealing the blondes' clearing.

The siblings gasped.

"It's Sev'ral Timez." Mabel whispered. "But how? There must be fifty of 'em."

"You know who they are?" The redhead asked.

"They're a boyband I set free a couple years ago." The teen explained. "They're clones who were kept in captivity by an evil producer guy."

"Clones? Seriously?"

"Oh yeah." Dipper said. "Nearly every popstar you know was genetically engineered by their record company."

"Uh… Is that legal?" Soos asked.

"Nope."

"But where'd the rest come from?" Mabel asked.

High pitch chirping caught the friends' attention. Under a nearby tree was a pile of grass and leaves. Cautiously, the teens pulled the top away from the mound. There they found a litter of infants, identical to the adults except in size.

"Aww!" Mabel cooed, picking one up.

"No." Dipper said bluntly.

"But they're so little and cute!"

"You already have a pig and a cat." The boy reasoned. "How do you expect to take care of a popstar?"

"Oh, you're only saying that 'cause-"

But Mabel's argument was interrupted by a hoarse call. In front of the group was a Sev'ral Timez, its eyes narrowed. More beautiful men joined the first, and as a unit, they charged the nest-thieves.

All the camera captured were images of Wendy's running feet. In the background, Mabel could be heard shouting, "Don't go into the long grass! Don't go into the long grass!"

:::::::::Three::::::::

"Okay. We've regrouped at Sev'ral Timez's clearing, mostly unharmed." Wendy set the camera back up, her three friends sat behind her, putting bandages on bite-marks.

"How did this happen?" Mabel said. "There were only five males. How could they breed?"

The group was silent for a moment before Dipper gasped in realization, "Amphibian DNA."

"Huh?"

"When we salvaged those cloning pods from the rec-center," He explained. "The data said they filled the sequence gaps in the boyband genome with amphibian DNA. Some species of frogs are able to spontaneously change their sex in the right conditions. That must be how Sev'ral Timez was able to reproduce."

"Life found a way." Mabel said in awe.

"So… they're a whole new species?" Soos asked.

"Yes." Dipper said. "A new species of naturally reproducing popstars."

The teen turned to Wendy, a serious expression overtaking his face.

"You can't post this video. Not yet at least."

"What? Why not?" The girl was confused.

"This is an entirely new lifeform." He said. "If people know they exist, they'll be hunted down and exploited. These creatures deserve the chance to live free. We may have made them, but it's like Mabel said, 'life found a way,' we have no right to interfere anymore."

Soos sniffled, "That was beautiful dude."

Wendy turned towards the camera. "Alright... if you say so. This has been _Wendy's Guide to the Unexplained: Anomaly Number 23._ To be archived until further notice."

:::::::::::::::::::::::

**PA ARKC LV GVIHYGHIGXK NMXA SLRMFXY FV RHP AR VMNSU QEDA XUX NXYWIGM XSLUYGK, KLEM SI QBBG'A JXSI PS GAGGR ZJ AX OLBNJW.  
**

**.**

**.**

**This chapter's dedicated to: _Mango Supreme_ and _MaryHoudini _**7̃0


	15. Soos Vs The Bully

**.**

**Soos Vs. The Bully**

**.**

The Mystery Shack didn't really have a set schedule. Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays were usually open until evening, being the busiest. But the rest of the week depended on the number of customers around, and Stan's mood. That's why today it was closed, due to a lack of tourists and Stan's mysterious (and let's face it, who really wants to know?) late night activities.

Soos had shown up to work on time, then waited for someone to let him inside. That's where Mabel found him (tripped over him). After the teen explained everyone had the day off, she invited her younger friend to accompany her around town. Eventually, the pair wound up at the local arcade.

::::::::::::::::::::

At the controls of a classic fighter game, Soos played his favorite character: a pink-haired schoolgirl who was fighting for revenge and honor. Dr. Karate killed Giffany's father, and she needed to defeat him in order for her family to collect the life insurance. Then she could go back to school and earn her degree in marine biology (at least, that's the story Soos gave her. She seemed like such a nice girl, she'd probably want to help save the whales and stuff).

Since he was consumed by his game, Mabel walked off to find something else to play (and maybe hit on some gamer nerds. No… no, never mind. There weren't any hot-nerds around. Just the nerd kinda nerds).

Free from distraction, Soos played his videogame. Invested in the storyline, the outside world became an invisible blanket of white noise. That's why he didn't notice the other boy approach.

"Ugh, what are you doing here?" Robbie asked.

"Oh, I always come here." Soos said, briefly looking at the new arrival. "It's one of my favorite places."

"Shouldn't you be at that lame tourist shack?"

"We got the day off, dawg." The pudgy boy answered, seemingly oblivious to the venom in the other tween's voice.

Robbie looked panicked for a moment. "That Dipper kid isn't here, is he?"

Still concentrating on his game, Soos said, "Nah, he and Wendy are off on some kind of _Mystic Quest_ or something."

… … …

"You ready?" Dipper asked.

"Always." The girl said.

"Here, take this." The teen put a small bouquet of purple flowers in the redhead's shirt pocket.

Wendy blushed. No one had ever given her flowers before.

"Wolfsbane." The boy explained. "Keep it on you. It won't _stop_ werewolves, but it'll slow them down."

Oh. Well. That's cool too.

"Also, try not to touch it too much. It's pretty poisonous."

Oh. Okay.

… … …

Robbie visibly relaxed. "So even your only friend doesn't want to hang out with you, huh?"

"We all gotta do our own thing once in a while." Soos said. "I like video games, she likes exploring the woods. Differences are just as important as sames in friendship, that's what keeps it interesting."

That piece of optimistic wisdom made Robbie bristle.

"I didn't know you liked the arcade." The paunchy preteen continued. "You wanna go two-player after this round?"

That nearly made the emo kid explode. Not only was Soos returning his insults with niceness, but he hadn't even broken his focus on the game.

"I'd rather act out that dumb game for real!" Robbie yanked Soos towards him by the shirt. "Someone's gotta teach you your place. You _do not_ talk back to me."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Mabel approached and pushed the twelve year olds apart. "What's going on here?"

"None of your business." Robbie spat.

"If you're messing with my friend, then it is my business." The teen said.

The dark-haired boy turned back to Soos, "Are you such a loser that you always need a _girl_ defend you?"

"Well, what does that say about you when those girls always kick your butt?" Mabel retorted. "Also, that kinda attitude means you're not gonna get a girlfriend in, like, forever."

"Whatever." Robbie dismissed the brunette, and said to Soos. "If you actually wanna be a man, then meet me at the water tower at 3 o'clock. Otherwise you'll prove what everyone already knows: you're a dweeb who can't take care of himself."

The kid stormed off before he could get beaten up by a girl again.

"What just happened?" Soos asked.

"Sounds like you just got challenged to a fight." Mabel answered.

"What do I do?!"

"As a responsible authority figure, I feel the need to tell you that violence is never the answer." The teen replied. "But as someone who knows that that's all bull honkey: you should punch his face in."

::::::::::D::::::::

At Mabel's insistence, the pair returned to the Mystery Shack. With much begging and puppy dog eyes, the teen managed to convince her Gruncle to give Soos some boxing lessons.

After setting up an improvised punching bag, the old man said, "Alright kid, show me what you got."

Soos threw the hardest punch he could, causing him to swing back-and-forth, and leaving the target staying still.

"Oy." Stan slapped his forehead. "This is gonna take a while."

:::::::::O:::::::

"Okay. The thing you've gotta know about werewolves is this: there's a lot of distinct species that share the same name."

Wendy nodded while Dipper prepped her for the mission.

"It's like Elves," He explained. "The Santa kind and the Hot kind both accurately fall under the definition, but their biology is completely different."

"Wait. Are you saying Santa is real?"

"So 'werewolf' is a catchall term for any species that might fit the description."

"So what are we…?"

"I don't know." Dipper preemptively admitted. "That's what we're trying to find out. The rumors only say that there's a new pack in the forest. No one knows whether they're violent or not."

"Rumors? Who's spreading the…?"

"So, we're gonna track them down and determine what kind of 'werewolf' they are." The boy interrupted. "If they're skin-changers or Úlfhéðnar we should be okay. They're the most like our pop-culture werewolves, and usually only attack if you piss them off."

"Okay, so what's…?"

Dipper cut her off again, "What we really have to be concerned about are Vargr. Shapeshifters can usually be reasoned with, but a Varg is like a wolf with human intelligence and an evil nature, they're the most dangerous."

"Uh…"

"So you can see why we need to know what this pack is made of. The safety of the town depends on it."

"Yeah…"

:::::::::R::::::::

"Okay, I give up. He's hopeless." Stan said.

"What?" Mabel shouted. "You taught Dipper! How can you say Soos is hopeless?"

"I was wrong, okay?" The old man admitted. "Your brother was a natural compared to this kid."

Mabel opened her mouth to argue, but Stan stopped her.

"He only threw two good punches: He missed the bag completely, and hit himself in the face."

"Well, with enough practice…"

"Nope. I've been doing this long enough to know when someone's a lost cause."

"Then what are we gonna do?"

"Cheat?"

"That's your answer for everything!"

"That's 'cause it always works!"

::::::::::K::::::::

Dissatisfied with Stan's teaching method, Mabel decided to take Soos' training into her own hands.

"Alright. So boxing isn't your strong suit, that's okay. You've got the perfect body for wrestling: A low center of gravity, and lotsa muscle."

"Um, are you sure this…"

"C'mon! Try to tackle me!" The girl shouted. "Don't hold back! I can take it."

Goaded by the command, Soos ran towards the teen and wrapped around her ankles.

Mabel stood awkwardly with the extra weight on her legs. "Er, okay. But maybe try to knock me down while you're there?"

Soos wiggled back and forth while the teen remained upright.

"Okay. I think we need to try a different approach."

::::::::::::::::::::::

"So, are we gonna use, like, silver bullets or something?" Wendy asked, while the pair walked deeper into the woods.

"Nah, nah." Dipper answered. "I'm pretty sure the whole 'silver bullet' thing was made up by professional hunters who wanted to charge people extra."

"Oh."

"Yeah. The metal you really want to take advantage of is iron." The boy continued. "A lot of magical creatures have a bad reaction to it: Demons, wights, some trolls, extradimensional beings, whatever."

"Huh."

"The only trouble, as far as we're concerned right now, are the Úlfhéðnar." He lectured. "'_Neither fire nor iron told upon them' _the stories say. Maybe that's where the silver myth comes from."

"Neat."

"But don't worry." (That boy just wouldn't stop talking). "Any group 11 element affects them, not just silver. Copper works just fine."

Wendy couldn't claim to understand everything Dipper said, but the teen seemed to be enjoying himself.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::

Deciding he needed a different technique, Mabel brought Soos to her bedroom. She rooted through her closet, pulling out an electronic safe.

"5-3-1-8-0-0-8" She said aloud, while typing in the numbers.

The door swung open, revealing all sorts of strange items.

"Ha!" Mabel beamed. "Dipper's not the only one with a secret stash of mystical wonders!"

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

Soos peered into the safe. It was a hodgepodge of bottles and papers and unidentifiable objects.

Mabel sifted through the contents carelessly. "Lizzie Borden's axe? No. Sensitive government documents? No. Shrinky-Growy Crystal? No. Shoulder pads? No. Gnome hair, merman hair, unicorn hair? No. Love potion? No… A-ha! Knuckledusters: The fistfighter's great equalizer!"

"Wait. Love potion?" Soos said, latching onto the only thing Mabel mentioned he understood.

"Oh yeah. It'll make anything fall in love with anything."

"That's perfect! That'll make Robbie not hate me, then he won't beat me up!"

"Er… I don't think you wanna do that." Mabel said. "I'm pretty sure you're bully being in love with you is the definition of an unhealthy relationship."

"Oh."

"And love potions are kinda complicated." The girl continued. "It brings up all sorts of questions about the moral and philosophical nature of free-will and emotion. That's not something you wanna deal with."

"Yeah… I guess you're right."

"So I think violence is your best bet."

The pair sat in awkward silence for a while.

"Okay. With these you'll have an edge up on Robbie." Mabel spoke again, handing him the knucks.

"You want me to hit him with brass knuckles?!" Soos blanched.

"No, no, no!" Mabel reassured. "They're not _brass_, they're made of iron. That way you can fight demons and trolls and stuff too."

"I… don't feel comfortable using these."

"Oh. Well. You could kick him in the groin. That usually works."

"Um… No." Soos said, giving the weapons back to his friend. "I think I should try to figure this out my own way."

The boy exited the room, leaving Mabel to rethink what she'd come to believe were the necessities of self-preservation.

:::::::::::::::::::::

Unsure what else to do, Soos went back to the arcade. He knew he couldn't fight Robbie come 3 o'clock, but he also knew he couldn't chicken out, otherwise the boy would just try again and again.

While on the last level of _Fight Fighters_ the preteen sighed. "I wish you could help me Giffany, you always know what to do."

"Oh, but I can help you Soos." A synthesized voice answered.

There, on the console screen, was a close-up of Giffany.

"You have helped me complete my mission." The pixillized girl said. "Now I will help you defeat your final boss."

"Really?" Soos was less surprised than he should be, this was no stranger than anything else he'd witnessed this summer. "But how?"

"Just use the cheat code on the machine." She pointed to the bottom corner of her screen.

Soos bent down, but all he saw was a patch where the paint had been sanded away. Remembering a trick from _Duck-tective_, he took out a sheet of paper and pencil. Rubbing the graphite across it, he revealed the writing someone tried to erase.

Using the code, Soos entered: _back, back, hold, forward, back, forward, down, hold, quarter circle, forward, triple punch_. A bright light blinded him, but when he looked again, Giffany was standing there.

"Oh, thank you Soos." The computer girl said. "Now I can help you, just as you have helped me."

"Whoa, cool." The preteen could hardly believe what he saw.

"I will aid you in defeating your final boss. Then both our missions will be complete."

"That's awesome!" Soos said. "Robbie's been getting really confrontational lately, but now that you're here, we can work everything out."

"And then we can live happily ever after." Giffany added. "Like my programming demands."

"Yeah! Everyone will be friends after this gets taken care of!"

::::::::::::::::::::::

"Okay. This isn't a problem." Dipper whispered, as he and Wendy stood pressed against a sheer rock wall.

The friends had found the tribe of migrating werewolves, and were currently surrounded by a semicircle of the angry beasts.

"We mean you no harm." The boy said. "We're only here to talk, as representatives of the local human population."

The only answer he got were snarls.

"Okay. Maybe it is a problem." He conceded.

"What do we do?!" Wendy whispered-shouted.

"What humans do best." Dipper answered. "Kick butt."

Without warning, the boy lifted his arm in the air (Wendy thought she saw something in his palm, but couldn't tell for sure) and shouted, "_Naur an edraith ammen! Naur dan i ngaurhoth!"_ He threw out his hand, and a ball of fire exploded on the alpha wolf's snout.

Dipper yanked his younger friend away. Tossing her over his shoulder, he ran through the woods like mad.

::::::::::::::::::::::

It was nearing 3 o'clock, Soos and Giffany headed towards the water tower. This was great. With such a kind and level-headed character as Giffany, Soos was sure he and Robbie could reach an understanding.

On their approach, the preteen saw both his opponent and Mabel waiting for him.

"Ooo, good idea!" The brunette said after running up to them. "There's nothing wrong with choosing a champion to fight for you."

"What? No, I…"

"That is right." Giffany answered. "Soos aided me in defeating Dr. Karate, now I will aid him in defeating Robbie V."

The pixelated schoolgirl proceeded to demonstrate her fighting moves.

"Wait, that's not what I wanted!" Soos insisted. "I just wanna have a calm, constructive, dialogue over mutual respect and boundaries."

"Hey, can I ask you a question?" Mabel asked Giffany, neither paying attention to the boy. "How do you do those kicks and stuff without your skirt lifting up? I've got trouble with that when I'm off fighting evil."

"I have no animation showing my underpants." Giffany replied.

"Oh. Well, thanks anyway."

"Now to destroy Soos' enemy." The videogame character said. "And then we will return to the 2D-verse where we can marry."

"Wait. What?"

"Do not worry, my beloved. This will be over soon."

"No, no, no!" Soos shouted. "I just wanted you to keep Robbie from hitting me, so we could talk about our problems. And where did this whole '_marriage_' thing come from? When was that established?"

"It is in the storyline." Giffany said. "You are my true love. Your high-score proves it. Now I must destroy Robbie V. and my programming will be fulfilled."

"Oh no!" The boy wailed. "My grandma was right: I am the world's most perfect man!"

:::::::::::::::::::::

_Okay, so the best case scenario didn't work._ Dipper thought as he ran, carrying the weight of a twelve year old on his back. _And the worst case scenario turned out to be worse than I expected._

After some initial confusion, the Vargr chased after the friends. The burnt-muzzled leader was closing in fast, and Dipper was running out of options.

Wendy, with an uncomfortably clear view of what was happening behind them, decided to take action. She pulled her lucky hatchet from her belt (which she got for her 11th birthday and was nicer than the lucky hatchet she'd gotten for her 12th birthday), and threw it at the alpha wolf on their heels.

Her toss was answered with a pained yelp, and a pause of footsteps. The pair turned around to see the injured alpha run away, and the rest of the pack stand at attention. Dipper slowly lowered his redheaded friend, where she stood confused.

"You beat their leader." The boy whispered. "You're the alpha now."

"What do I do?" She said back.

"Anything you want, I guess." Dipper replied. "But telling them to not kill us might be a good start."

:::::::::::::::::::

Being only a few feet away, Robbie heard everything the two friends and living videogame said. "Wait- what are you talking about?! What's going on?"

"Robbie V., are you prepared to engage in combat?" Giffany said.

"No!"

"Command not recognized. Engaging combat!"

Giffany took her fighting stance while Robbie tried to back away.

"Wait, stop!" Soos stood in front of the schoolgirl. "This isn't what I want!"

"Command not recognized. Engaging combat!"

Giffany pushed past Soos, marching towards her hapless opponent. Preparing the _Fiery Fist of Punch_, she let it fly at Robbie, only for Soos to jump in front and take the full force.

The computergame was confused down to a binary level. The two health bars that were common for such a round were joined by a third. Soos had entered the battle, and his status directly affected Giffany's.

The girl unleashed a tastefully censored high-kick. But Soos took it in the chin, rather than letting his bully get hurt.

Her health depleting, Giffany let loose a barrage of attacks. But her husband-to-be acted as a human shield against them all.

Desperate and frustrated, the program released her ultimate combo, but Soos didn't waver. Defending his rival, the boy took the entire pixilated pounding.

Soos fell to the ground, but Giffany's own health bar was depleted, she screamed as she was sucked back into the either. The park slowly returned to normal.

Soos got up and staggered over to Robbie. "You okay, dude?"

The emo kid was speechless, his mouth hanging open.

"Yeah, that'll happen." The paunchy boy said. "Don't sweat it, dawg. As long as you're good."

Soos limped away, Mabel helping him in the direction of the Shack.

:::::::::::::::::::::

"So, I gotta ask." Wendy said, while the pair neared home. "Was that a real magic spell, or did you just use a smoke-bomb to set that wolf on fire?"

Dipper smiled, "If there's one thing Gruncle Stan has taught me, it's that a little showmanship can improve anything."

Wendy nodded as they walked along, only realizing later that the boy didn't actually answer her question.

::::::::::::::::::::::

That evening, the Mystery Shack employees sat in the living room discussing their day. When she'd heard what happened, Wendy was ready to go out and break Robbie's nose right then and there. But Soos stopped her. Somehow, he felt the other boy had learned his lesson.

Dipper and Mabel spent most of the evening scolding each other over their handling of their young charges. This went unnoticed by the preteens, since they were scolding each other over how they took care of the older kids.

Once they'd finished their stories, the four friends relaxed in silence. That is, until the wolves started howling. After five minutes of noise, Dipper nudged Wendy out the door, where she yelled at her pack to shut up.

:::::::::::::::::::::

LH'J XRH WSJVKSQU USUHP SI MFE ZWE.

.


	16. Blast Form The Past

**Sorry about the wait, but you can't force creativity (well, you can, but it doesn't turn out as good).**

**.**

**Blast from the Past**

**.**

"… And that's how you insult someone's mother in ancient Sumerian." Dipper and Wendy were walking around the perimeter of the Shack, picking up garbage, and ensuring the property was in its usual state of disrepair. "Next I'll tell ya how to swear in Quenya…"

Wendy hadn't expected this conversation to turn into an etymology lesson, but it was interesting (at least the parts she understood were), and Dipper was enjoying himself. Knowing the teen liked spending time with her boosted her spirit.

"… The interesting thing is that the early form of the language didn't have any profanity to speak of. It wasn't until the exile, and subsequent dialogue split, that you get some really good curse words, some of which are actual curses-" The pair reached the front porch where a package was waiting. "Oh no."

Dipper picked up the bundle and examined the return address.

"What is it?" Wendy asked.

"It's from Pacifica." The boy sighed. "She keeps sending me gifts."

"Oh, uh. How are things going with you two?"

"I donno." Dipper set the box down and sat on the stoop. "I'm over it. But she's gone through: depression, anger, denial, and bargaining. I wanna wait till she gets to acceptance before I talk to her again, but she just keeps cycling through the other four."

"So the whole secret plot thing was…?"

"Who knows? I've stopped trying to figure it out. I just want thing to go back to normal."

"And are you, um, seeing anyone else?" Wendy scrapped her foot across the ground.

Dipper chuckled dryly, "I think I'm done with the whole 'romance' thing for a while. I'm not that good at it."

"But you've had girlfriends before! Girls like you."

"Until they get to know me." The boy shot her a crooked smile. "To be honest, I have a hard time connecting to people. I guess once abnormal becomes your norm, you have trouble relating to anyone."

"That can't be true! You've got tons of friends."

He chuckled again, "Lemme put it this way: The most successful relationship I've had, the only one that ended on good terms; was with a magical princess from another dimension, that time our school burned down (under totally unsuspicious circumstances) and we had to transfer to another district."

"Wait, what?"

"Exactly. At this point, anything that isn't weird is outside my comfort zone."

"But if Pacifica wants to get back with you, you must be doing something right." Wendy cringed at using her enemy as a positive example.

Dipper shrugged. "I think I'm better off single."

"Oh. Well, that's cool too." The girl said, deciding not to pursue the conversation she'd planned out in her head. "Who needs to deal with all that stuff anyway, right?"

::::::::::::::::::

That night Wendy awoke to find her room shacking. Knick-knacks toppled over on her dresser, while pictures fell from the walls. Oregon lay along a fault line, so no one was particularly surprised when Gravity Falls started experiencing regular tremors. As soon as the rumbling stopped, the redhead fell back to sleep, barely remembering that her dreams had been interrupted.

::::::::::::::::::::::

Raking leaves (and trash) wasn't something Wendy wanted to spend her summer doing, but Stan had delivered his usual threat of banning her from the Shack unless she did some work around the place. It was fine when Dipper was with her, but alone the job dragged on forever. With the sun drifting westward, the redhead sped up, trying to push the gathered detritus into a pile.

A rustle in the bushes made her pause. Curious, Wendy walked over to investigate. Creeping as silently as possible, the girl pushed the branches aside to find a kid crouched in the brush.

"Who are you?" The redhead demanded.

With a frightened expression, the boy cowered back, but made no attempt to answer.

Wendy examined the peeper in front of her. He was shorter than her, with brown eyes and hair. But what really stood out was his outfit: a blue vest and a pine tree cap.

"Dipper?"

"Uh… Yeah. Yeah." The boy said.

"How- What- Why are-?" Wendy was interrupted by a voice coming from behind her.

"Yo, Wendy!" Dipper shouted. "The movie's about to start!"

The redhead remembered she was planning to watch _My Mummy's a Werewolf 3: There's a Vampire This Time_ with her older friend, but this took precedents.

Turning around, the girl yelled, "I'll be there in a minute!"

Returning her attention to the doppelganger she said_._ "Why are you younger? Where did you come from?"

"What- what year is this?" The mini-Dipper asked.

"2015."

"What_? But everything's still here."_ The boy muttered. Then he turned back to Wendy saying, "I think I'm from the past."

The redhead looked at him with a blank expression.

"I'm from 2012."

Wendy examined the boy in front of her. The same curly mop of hair, the same big brown eyes. He wasn't exactly right, but three years was a long time: It was Dipper.

Okay. Wendy was used to this. She could handle any weirdness Gravity Falls threw her way. "Uhh…"

Older Dipper interrupted whatever intelligent and insightful thing the girl was about to say, "Everything okay out there? You fall down the bottomless pit or something?"

"Hold on, everything's fine!" She shouted before turning to young Dipper. "C'mon, let's go inside. I don't know what's going on, but I'm sure Dipper does. Uh, teenage Dipper I mean."

Her peer blanched. "No! We can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"It'll create a time paradox!" The boy explained. "Two Dippers can't exist at the same time. If we interact, we'll destroy the universe!"

Wendy paused in thought. She didn't know much about time-travel (the journal didn't delve into that), but she'd seen enough sci-fi movies for the boy's warning to make sense. "Okay. Wait here."

Running back to the Shack, Wendy told her older friend that her Dad called demanding she come home. Dipper's face fell, but he told the girl to get going, promising they'd watch the cornball movie another time.

Back outside, the redhead grabbed past-Dipper's wrist and dragged him along the forest path.

::::::::::S::::::::

Once at the Corduroy residence, the preteens snuck into Wendy's room. Now that the risk of universal collapse was removed, the redhead felt confident they could work this problem out.

Pulling Dipper into the light of a lamp, Wendy looked at him again. His cheeks were chubbier and his frame slighter, but she had to admit he was still cute (in a short, dorky sorta way. As opposed to _her_ Dipper who was handsome in a lanky, dorky sorta way).

"Okay. Now tell me what's going on."

"I'm not sure." The boy answered. "One minute I was in my own time, the next I'm here. Uh, who are you by the way? I don't recognize you." He asked, embarrassed.

"My name's Wendy." The redhead replied. "We didn't meet until this summer."

Dipper relax a little. "Will you help me return to my own time?"

"Of course!"

The brunette regained some confidence. "What I'll need is my Journal. It's a red book with-"

"I have it right here!" Wendy exclaimed, revealing the book from under her shirt.

Dipper grabbed the tome greedily, flipping through the pages, "Yes. Yes!" He stopped and looked at his companion sheepishly. "Sorry. It's been a crazy day."

Wendy just shrugged. She didn't blame the boy. It had only been a month, and already she couldn't imagine being separated from the Journal. Especially in a situation like this.

After a minute, the girl's face fell. "This won't work. I've been through that whole thing. There's nothing about time travel in there."

Dipper stopped. "There're a lot of hidden secrets in here. You just need to know how to find them."

_Hidden secrets?_ Dipper, _her Dipper_, never mentioned that. Why would he give her the Journal and not say there was more to it? Granted, he'd kept things from her before. But they were past that… Right?

Wendy looked over the boy's shoulder. He was reading a page about some creature the Author found. She scanned the text, but there was nothing to suggest time travel.

Noticing his companion, Dipper closed the book. "It might take a while to find what we're looking for. Do you think I could spend the night here?"

The girl's cheeks reddened. "Sure. Um, we'll probably have to hide you from my dad."

"That's fine." He answered. "As long as I can look through the Journal, I'll stay out of sight."

:::::::::::E:::::::::

Wendy slept fitfully that night. Each time she awoke, she saw her friend crouched over the book. By morning, she wasn't sure if young-Dipper had gotten any sleep at all.

The pair of preteens had a long discussion that morning: While Dipper wanted to stay hidden in her room, Wendy wasn't confident her family would respect her privacy during the day. Finally, the girl convinced her new friend to come with her to the Shack, where he could stay out of sight in the woods.

Wendy went about her duties quietly that day, disappearing from time to time. When either Soos or Dipper mentioned her change in mood, Mabel just shushed them, sensing when another woman needed some alone time.

:::::::::::::::::::::

"Here, a brought you lunch." Wendy said, producing a plate of food.

Little-Dipper smiled. "Thanks."

"So…" Wendy sat down, struggling for a way to make conversation. "Have you found anything?"

"Not yet."

"This was the first year you came to Gravity Falls, right?"

"Yeah," The boy answered. "It's not exactly what I expected."

The redhead chuckled, "I've lived here my whole life, and it's not what I thought it was either."

"I've been meaning to ask. How'd you get my journal?"

"You gave it to me." Wendy said, before blushing. "Actually, I stole it from you. But you gave it to me afterwards."

Dipper flashed her a smile. "You're probably an expert on town then."

"Not really." The girl rubbed the back of her neck. "I'm still learning. Looking for secrets."

"That's what I'm doing. Trying to figure things out." The preteen said. "It's just been me and Mabel looking for answers. I wish we had someone like you with us."

"Really?"

"Yeah!" The boy blushed a little. "You really seem to know what you're doing."

The pair sat in silence for a while. Awkward, awkward, silence.

::::::::::C:::::::::

Closing time was closing in, young-Dipper showed no signs of progress, and old-Dipper was getting anxious over Wendy. She wasn't her usual self. Maybe it was his paranoia talking, but the way his friend was ignoring him seemed out of character.

Dipper got really worried when she rushed to leave at the end of the day with barely a goodbye. Usually the tween would hang around the Shack until dinner time, and if not, she'd wait to walk home with Soos.

Something wasn't right with his young friend, and Dipper considered it his responsibility to find out what.

::::::::::R:::::::::

Her shift had finally ended. Wendy ran towards the edge of the forest where her companion waited. "Have you learned anything new?"

"No." Dipper closed the book. "But I'm sure the answer's in here, I just don't know where to look."

"What- what if it isn't?" The redhead stuttered. "What'll we do if you really are stuck here?"

"I don't know." The boy frowned, his shoulders slumping. "I'm so used to this Journal having the answers, I'm not sure what I'll do if it can't help."

"_I'll _help." Wendy said firmly. "I don't know how. But I'll make sure everything turns out okay."

Dipper smiled weakly. "Thanks. Y'know, I've never had many friends, I wish I'd met you sooner. Er, I mean _you _you, not- ugh, this is so confusing…"

"I- I think I know what you mean." Wendy said, her face heating up. "The older you is great but… I just wish we could be closer."

"Maybe- maybe we can be." The boy said, leaning forward.

"But what about the time paradox?" The redhead mirrored his motion.

"We could figure something out." He whispered, his eyes never leaving hers. "Together."

Wendy's breath hitched. She moved closer, her lips parting.

"**Wendy!**"

Dipper (older-Dipper) ran across the lawn towards the pair.

"Get away from her!" The teen lunged at his younger self, grappling with the boy until he had him in a choke-hold.

"What are you doing?!" Wendy screamed, rooted to her spot in shock.

The teen ignored her question and knocked his double's hat off, pulling the fringe of hair away from his forehead. His smooth, unblemished forehead.

"Wait, how?" Wendy spoke.

"You can only copy DNA." Dipper hissed at his false self. "You can't copy fingerprints and birthmarks without seeing them first!"

"Get off me, boy!"

"How'd you escape the chryo-tube? How'd you get out of the bunker?"

"The old fool may have been smart, but even he couldn't build something that lasts indefinitely. I'm free, and there's nothing on Earth that can keep me trapped now!"

Wendy had no clue what was going on. She was about to get her first kiss, when her crush tackled himself. But what about the birthmark? Those things don't just appear later, that's why they have the word _birth_ in them.

Mabel came running out of the Shack, attracted by the commotion. "Dipper! Are you fighting… Dipper?" The girl paused.

"It's the shapeshifter!" Her brother shouted. "I don't know how, but I think he's stuck like this."

"Aww! I forgot how cute you were at twelve!"

"Mabel! Help me."

The brunette sprang into action, pulling some cord from her pocket. She quickly tied her false brother's hands and legs.

"Mind telling me what's going on?" The teen girl asked.

"That's what I'd like to know." Dipper said, looking at his younger friend.

"Uh…"

:::::::::E:::::::

By the time Wendy explained everything she knew, Mabel had gone to get Soos and drag a giant cage out of the Shack.

Once little-Dipper was locked up, big-Dipper gave his side of the story. "This creature is a Shapeshifter. He's a master of deception and can change form by copying anything he sees. We found him our first summer here in a bunker the Author of the journals built. We froze him in Cryostasis. This was the last form he took."

Wendy was shocked. This revelation brought up so many new questions, her curiosity was only matched by her indignance of being kept in the dark.

"And you were going to tell me this _when?_" The girl growled.

"The problem was taken care of! It wasn't relevant for you to know!" Dipper snapped, immediately regretting his tone.

"So it's okay to keep secrets from me if you think I'm not gonna find out about them?" Wendy yelled back.

Dipper wilted and sighed. "Let's just get this thing back where it belongs. I don't know whether being stuck in this shape is permanent or not."

The four kids trudged into the woods, everyone was silent except for the shapeshifter, "I told you there was more than there seemed. I wonder what else that boy has been keeping from you?"

"Shut up!" Dipper and Wendy both shouted.

:::::::::::T:::::::::

Not far from the Shack, the two teens stopped.

"Do you recognize this place Wendy?" Dipper asked softly. "This is where things began for both of us."

The redhead looked around. She saw signs advertising the Mystery Shack hanging on trees. This was where she found the journal.

"I stopped you when you were about to put a nail in this tree." Dipper said, walking up to a pine and brushing lichen away from the trunk. "This is why…"

The teen pulled open a hidden hatch containing some kind of control box. He flipped a switch and there was a whirr of gears behind them.

Wendy and Soos approached the secret compartment that had lain under the turf. Inside was a knapsack and camping tools.

"This is where I discovered the journal." Dipper explained from behind. "Now I've been using it to hide emergency supplies."

"But- but…"

"Later that summer." The boy continued. "We found this." He turned to his sister, "Mabel, will you do the honors?"

"On it!" The girl pulled something from her pocket and shouted, "Grappling-hook!"

The claw shot up and knocked a branch out of place. The whole ground shuddered, and the tree started to sink.

As the descending pine revealed a spiral staircase, Dipper continued to explain. "The author built this bunker. Both in anticipation of a future disaster, and as a place to conduct experiments."

While walking through the first room, Wendy saw emergency rations. The group passed through a tunnel, then a room full of strange symbols. Finally, they got to a section that looked like a regular laboratory.

The whole place was old, but Dipper and Mabel took notice of debris on the floor and cracks in the walls.

"The earthquakes?" Mabel asked.

"Must've been." Dipper answered, examining the control panel. "The fuel-cell is damaged. That's how he escaped. We'll need to replace it and repair the stasis-pod."

Before Wendy could wrap her head around what was going on (Soos had long ago decided to just sit back and enjoy the ride), Dipper started barking orders. "Mabel, Soos. I need you two in here setting up the fresh fuel-cell. Wendy, you're with me. We'll take the shapeshifter into the cavern and repair the cryo-tube."

The redhead was still angry, but the call to action diminished her concerns. She helped push the cage through the sanitation room and set it in front of a row of pods.

Dipper examined each of them, before settling on the least damaged. "We'll have to reattach the cables and intake valve. Keep an eye on the shifter, I'm starting to think the freezing only caused a temporary loss of his powers."

Indeed, the young-Dipper was beginning to develop translucent white blotches on his skin.

"So. You've known about this for the past three years?" Wendy asked, not taking her eyes off the doppelganger.

"Yes."

"And you decided you didn't have to tell me?" The tween's voice was a mix of anger and hurt. "Even after you said you wouldn't keep secrets?"

Dipper paused, thinking out his response. "I'm sorry." He began. "I shouldn't have made a promise I knew I wasn't gonna keep."

Wendy turned to glare at him.

"It's just- This is hard for me." The boy struggled to find the right words. "I do keep things from you. It's to protect you, but that's not all. Some things are too dangerous to even mention out loud. Other secrets could be disastrous even if they fall into the _right_ hands. Some secrets aren't mine to tell. And some are experiences I just don't want to relive."

Wendy's posture softened slightly.

Glancing back at his friend, Dipper continued to explain. "I've been holding these things in for so long, it's hard to open up. I was born with a confidant, so I'm not used to sharing my thoughts with others."

The girl's anger was ebbing away. She still felt betrayed, but now it was just because of the broken promise. After all, she kept secrets from him too.

Laughter interrupted Wendy's thoughts. The shapeshifter had turned white and jelly-like. "How sweet." The creature slipped through the bars of the cage and returned to its natural form. "But I think we can cut the apology short. Thank you for distracting each other. Turns out time was all I needed."

The monster shoved Wendy away, and pulled Dipper from atop the pod. Shaking her head, the preteen got off the floor, but what she saw made her freeze: Dipper facing off against an ever changing array of ferocious beasts.

The boy did his best to dodge the attacks, but was batted into another chamber. Wendy ran after them, but before she enter the tunnel, an explosion rocked the cavern. Thick smoke choked the cave as the redhead called out for Dipper. When the air cleared, she saw a body crumpled on the floor.

_No, no, no!_ "Dipper!"

He was unconscious (Wendy silently begged that he was only unconscious). Crouching beside him, the girl didn't know what to do.

"Wake up! Please you gotta wake up!" She babbled. "No, no, this can't be happening! This is all my fault! If I'd been paying attention to the shapeshifter like you said, this wouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have gotten mad at you, and I never even told you how I feel. I'm- I'm in love with you. I should've told you before, and now…"

"Uh, Wendy." Behind the girl, Dipper stood awkwardly.

The thing on the floor hissed and scurried towards the main chamber. Dipper ran and tackled it.

The identical boys grappled on the floor. Some smoke-bombs were knocked from under one of their vests (that explained the explosion), followed by a spooky black dagger which clattered to the redhead's feet.

"Wendy! Get 'im! He's the shapeshifter!"

"Don't listen to him Wendy! He's trying to trick you!"

The girl picked up the weapon and looked back and forth. "I don't know who's who. Give me a sign!"

The Dipper on the right lifted his hair away from his forehead, revealing his familiar birthmark.

The one on the left just shouted, "Vade irrumabo ipse!"

Recognizing the swear, Wendy gasped and ran at Dipper-house-right, plunging the dagger into his belly.

Green slime oozed from the false-teen's wound. He changed form, but Mabel and Soos ran into the cavern with fire extinguishers in hand. The pair sprayed the monster down with freezing CO₂. Screeching, the creature was forced back into the repaired cryo-tube. Reacting quickly, the four friends pushed the door shut, locking it manually.

"Block the chamber!" Dipper yelled.

The group heaved any debris they could find in front of the tube. All the while, the shapeshifter tried to force its way out.

"Quick! Back to the lab." The teen was out of breath, but he still managed to rally his friends.

Once in the other room, the Pines twins ran to the control panel.

"Let's hope this works."

The new fuel cell did it. The cryo-chamber froze, and everyone let out a sigh of relief.

Dipper turned to his sister, "I told you there are appropriate times to use profanity."

Mabel just crossed her arms and _hmph_-ed.

A sudden thump made everyone start. On the security screen, the shapeshifter moved, back in Dipper's form.

_"Don't trust him girl."_ His voice came through the speakers. "_Lies and madness are in his genes. I know better than anyone."_

Wendy looked at her friends nervously.

_"It's only a matter of time before you regret ever knowing him."_ It was the last thing he said before freezing completely. A menacing look was on his face, somehow made worse with Dipper's features.

"Wow. That's some serious psychological stuff right there." Soos spoke up. "Hey, is anyone else in the mood for crab? I got this sudden craving for shellfish."

::::::::S::::::::::

After making sure the inner chamber was sealed up for good, the exhausted friends exited the shelter. Soos and Mabel ran off, heading for the seafood place in town. Dipper turned towards the Shack, but Wendy called him back.

"Listen, about earlier." She rubbed the back of her neck nervously. "I said some things, and… Look, can we just pretend that didn't happen?"

Dipper crouched down so they were at eyelevel. "It's okay."

"No it's not." The redhead mumbled and turned away. "I humiliated myself, and now you probably never want to hang out with me again."

"Hey, that's not true." The boy protested. "Look, I'm really flattered. But you know I'm too old for you, right? Also, I kinda already knew."

"What!? How?"

"You're not that good of an actor." Dipper smiled lightly.

Wendy groaned and sat on a log. Dipper followed.

"Listen." The teen said. "I've never had a lot of friends. But you and me, we click. I've been coming to this town for years, but I already can't imagine Gravity Falls without you."

"Really?"

"Yeah dude." Dipper socked her on the shoulder.

"But won't things be awkward?"

The boy laughed. "After everything that's happened, I think we're both experts on awkward."

"So, friends?" Wendy smiled weakly.

"Yeah friends!" He reached out and ruffled her hair, before getting up. As he walked away, Dipper turned again to say. "And remember, you still owe me a movie night."

::::::::::::::::::

Wendy and Dipper sat in Stan's recliner, watching movies on public access. Neither of them were as talkative as usual, each lost in thought. Finally, Dipper shut off the TV in the middle of _Friday the 26__th__._

"I think we should talk about earlier."

_Oh no._ Wendy thought. _He changed his mind. He doesn't like me anymore, just like Pacifica._

"Lemme see the Journal." The boy said.

_Huh?_ But Wendy handed him the book anyway.

"You were right, I owe you more answers than I've given." He took a penlight from his pocket and clicked on the purple LED. "The Journal has more secrets than meet the eye. I told myself I was waiting for you to figure this out on your own, but that's unfair. I only discovered it serendipitously."

The UV light shone on the pages, revealing pale green text.

"Invisible ink." Wendy gasped.

"I think it's time I told you about my summers here."

Dipper narrated his encounters with the creatures and phenomena illustrated in the book. Some were detailed stories. Others were brief lists of facts. Wendy asked few questions, it was clear enough what the boy was and wasn't willing to talk about.

The pair spent much of the evening going over the new information in the Journal. Wendy knew her friend was holding some things back, but he didn't skip any of the pages. It was a new start, and a closer (if slightly more awkward) relationship.

:::::::::::::::::::

**LLG TELUSHGJ WMADP CIIG'L SACBI. LGEIVYMGY WPUV ML USYUZRZ LZI SLEDW.**

**.**

Dedicated to: _Kraven the Hunter_


	17. Love Is Terrible

**.**

**Love Is Terrible**

**.**

Wendy walked quietly through town. The Shack was closed today, and the girl was depressed to realize how little she had going on in her life. The redhead considered going to the Pines residence anyway, just for something to do. Dismissing the idea as too desperate and clingy, she continued to wander aimlessly instead.

Every couple of blocks a sudden chill would run down the tween's spine. When she recognized a pattern to the unusual feeling, Wendy looked around for a cause. On a nearby wall was a block of black spray-paint. The girl realized there used to be one of those triangle-pentagrams there, the ones Gideon had ordered to be painted.

Wendy continued on until she got another chill. Like the last time, there was a blanked out pentagram nearby. Whenever the uneasy feeling came back, Wendy saw another patch of covered graffiti.

This wasn't good. Suspecting that Dipper and Mabel had painted over the marks, she felt they needed to know something was still happening.

::::::::::::::::::::

Soos decided to spend his day off on a pilgrimage to his favorite places in town. Currently, he was headed to the ice-cream parlor. Inside, he ordered his usual treat and took a seat by the window. Only after he started eating did he notice someone sitting in the far corner of the shop: Pacifica Northwest. In front of the girl was what the shop called _The Bucket:_ Five pounds of ice-cream served in a rusty tin pail, anyone who finished in under 30 minutes ate for free. On the '_Wall o' Winners_' there was already a photo of the frowning, teary eyed girl.

Just then, Candy and Grenda noisily opened the shop's door. Halfway inside, the girls caught sight of their friend. Grimacing, the pair hurried out again. Having seen everything, Pacifica let her head fall to the table with a _thump_.

Pacifica had been a jerk all summer, but seeing her like this broke Soos' heart. He decided he had to do something.

::::::::::I:::::::::

Wendy entered an apparently empty Mystery Shack. Calling out, the girl searched the lower level before heading to the attic. There she found Mabel leaning against a wall.

"Hey Mabel. Is Dipper around?" The preteen asked.

"Yeah, he's in there talkin' to the invisible wizard." The older girl gestured towards the closet door.

"Uhh… Is that, like, a euphemism for something?"

"Nope." The brunette answered, then giggled. "But it would be pretty funny if it was: '_Excuse me for a minute, I gotta go talk to the invisible wizard.'"_

A muffled voice sounded from behind the closed door, "Okay, I'm ready."

Mabel opened the closet to reveal her brother sitting in a chair, his arms handcuffed behind his back. The handcuffs were pink and fuzzy.

Too many questions raced through Wendy's mind at once, so she wound up asking the first one she could latch onto, "Why do you have those?"

"You never know when you'll need to handcuff somebody." Mabel answered sagely.

That wasn't the answer Wendy expected (she wasn't naïve, she'd seen her brothers' internet history), but it was the answer that made the most Mabel-sense.

"And why did you handcuff yourself inside a closet?"

Dipper glanced at his sister, then said, "So I wouldn't hurt myself."

"While he talked to the invisible wizard." Mabel added, _helpfully?_

"I know I promised to be more open with you." The teen rubbed his forearm self-consciously. "But this is really personal, and I'm not that comfortable talking about it. All you need to know is that the 'invisible wizard' is someone I visit when I need answers and can't find them anywhere else. I was trying to learn what Gideon's plan was, and if it's still in motion. The handcuffs are because I'm not in complete control of my body while I'm in there."

"Wow." That sounded… pretty cool actually. The twins had some kind of all-knowing entity living in their bedroom? "Can I, uh, talk to him?"

"No."

Wendy was about to argue, but Dipper cut her off.

"I'm the only one who's able to speak to him, and I don't like doing it." Then he added. "He's a jerk anyway. It's hard to get him to cooperate."

The preteen wanted to ask more questions, but she could see her friend really was uncomfortable with the whole conversation. She was still curious, but she didn't want to pry into something that was apparently so distressing. She had gotten more answers than she'd expected anyway, he really was keeping his promise.

"Well, that's kinda why I'm here anyway." The girl said, then explained about the weird feeling she got every time she was near one of those graffiti tags.

The twins shared a look before Dipper said. "Thanks for telling us. I was hoping covering them up would do the trick, but apparently it wasn't enough."

At that moment Mabel's phone rang. "Hey-hey!" The girl answered, then paused to listen. Turning back to the others she said. "I gotta take this, be back in a minute."

Returning her attention to Dipper, Wendy asked. "So, what should we do now?"

"I'm not sure." The boy said, slumping against the wall. "We might just have to wait and see."

"Are you okay, you look kinda pale?"

With an effort, Dipper grinned at her. "Naw, I'm good. Flip-a-dip-dip!"

Wendy cocked an eyebrow at his response.

"What? It's my fun new catchphrase. Good, right?"

The tween just gave him an incredulous look.

"I'm gonna take that as a yes." The boy replied.

::::::::::::C::::::::::

"… Okay, I'll tell her… Thanks Mabel!" Soos hung up his phone as he continued to follow Pacifica from the ice-cream parlor.

He trailed her for a few blocks until she got into her limo and drove away. Well, Soos was pretty sure where she was headed, so he'd follow Mabel's advice, then go after her.

::::::::::::E::::::::::

Soos stopped to catch his breath once he reached the Northwest Mansion gates. The winding hill wasn't an easy climb to begin with, and he did it while carrying stuffed grocery bags.

Once he composed himself, the boy pressed the buzzer.

"Who's there?"

Despite the static, Soos recognized the snappish voice as Pacifica's. The tween answered. "It's me, Soos!"

"Who?"

"You remember. I'm kinda like Wendy's sidekick."

"Ugh. Wendy." The girl said. "What do you want?"

"I'm here to help."

"Go away."

"Aww, don't be like that, dude." When there was no reply, Soos added. "I brought sugary breakfast cereals." Shaking the bags in his hands for emphasis.

There was a long space of silence before the intercom crackled again. "What kind?"

"I got some _Fortunate Charms, Color Loops, _and _Coco Gravel_."

Another long pause filled the air. Finally, a buzz rang out and the gates opened. Soos scurried through and headed to the mansion proper.

As soon as his foot hit the steps, the door opened. A butler stood there stoically, "Miss Pacifica has instructed me to show Master '_That-little-brat-Wendy's-friend'_ to her room.

Following the manservant through the cavernous halls, Soos was finally deposited at a door that matched every other door in the building. The boy knocked.

Pacifica answered and, with unquestionable authority, said. "I'm only letting you in because you're bringing me junkfood."

Soos handed over the grocery bags as soon as he entered. Looking around, the boy saw that the pink walls were covered in posters of boy-bands and photos of friends. He was surprised at how much it looked like Mabel's room, except for the pictures of Dipper by the bed, and a headshot of Wendy with an axe splitting it in half. Meanwhile, Pacifica tore open one of the boxes and began shoving handfuls of artificially-colored goodness into her mouth.

"Oh, yeah. That's the stuff." The girl moaned. "My parent's never let me eat cereal. And if they do, it's always some low fat, vegan, gluten free junk. I _like _gluten."

_Vee-gan? Gloo-ton? Lo-ow Fa-at?_ Must be rich-people speak. Soos decided to be polite and not mention Pacifica's bizarre vocabulary.

The blonde girl continued. "How'd you know to bring me this anyway?"

"Mabel told me to."

Pacifica's expression turned into a confusing mixture of hope and fear.

When the teen didn't speak, Soos said. "She also told me to tell you that: She still wants to be friends, and she's mostly sorry for punching you."

Pacifica turned away from the boy and, after a moment, said. "What did Dipper say?"

"He doesn't know I'm here." The boy spoke honestly. "But that's kinda _why_ I'm here. Dipper doesn't wanna be your boyfriend. But he doesn't _not_ wanna be you friend-friend_._"

"That's not good enough!" The blonde snapped.

"And that's the problem, dude" Soos said gently. "You need to get over him."

"Oh? And how do I do that?" The girl asked sarcastically.

"By dating someone new!" Soos smiled.

Pacifica made a dismissive noise. "Like who?"

"Well-" The boy drew a blank. "Uh… Gorny?"

The teen rolled her eyes. "No thanks. He's a little too into 'herbal supplements,' if you know what I mean."

"I do not."

"Never mind." The girl sighed. "What else you got?"

"Uhh…" Soos suddenly realized the fatal flaw in his plan. "I don't actually know that many teenage boys (or anybody really) in town."

Pacifica began pushing him out the door.

"Wait, no! I'll think of something!"

"Sure kid."

"No, really! I'll find your perfect match, then you'll get over Dipper, and everyone will be friends again!"

"Whatever. I think you know the way out." Pacifica turned away and slammed the door.

Leaving, Soos promised he'd figure this out.

::::::::::::C:::::::::

Soos couldn't figure this out. He was a handyman, he was supposed to be able to fix things. But you couldn't mend a broken hear with nails, and you couldn't bind people together with glue (no matter what Mabel said).

_Mabel_. There was something she'd said before, but what was it? Not about Pacifica and her _Gloo-ton _fixation, but the week before.

_Love Potion. _

Love Potion! It was too dangerous to use earlier, but surely it would be okay in this situation.

Mabel was working in the shop today; that meant Soos only had to avoid Dipper.

The boy walked through the family area of the Shack. Hearing the shower running, he pressed his ear to the bathroom door. Inside, he heard Dipper singing:

"_Shavin' my face!  
Doodle-lee-doo!  
Cause I can't grow a beard yet!  
Bleep-blop Bloobity-bloo!  
Wish I had more hair, in the right places!..."_

The teen was distracted. Soos snuck into the attic. The boy briefly considered why he needed to sneak if he wasn't doing anything wrong, but quickly dismissed it. Dipper and Mabel sneaked all the time, and Wendy was getting into it too. There was nothing wrong with a little sneaking between friends.

In the attic, Soos went straight for Mabel's closet. He found the safe, and after a few minutes, remembered the combination.

"5-3-1-8-0-0-8." The boy muttered under his breath.

The door swung open, revealing the disorganized mess within. The preteen was fortunate to know what he was looking for, and quickly found the glittery pink vial.

Looking closely, Soos couldn't quite tell whether the substance within was a liquid or powder. A label with fancy script simply said _Love_. Below that, in Mabel's handwriting, was:

_Do Not Open  
__Do Not Use  
__**!Do Not Flush Down Toilet!**_

Well, according to Mr. Pines, warning labels were only a suggestion anyway. Soos took the bottle and relocked the safe.

::::::::::::R::::::::::

Sitting in the ice-cream parlor, Soos waited for Pacifica. He'd sent the girl a message to meet him there and hoped she'd come. Without any instructions, the preteen had to guess how this potion worked. He figured that if she ate it, and Dipper wasn't around, she'd fall _out of_ love with him and be able to move on to someone else. That made sense… mostly.

Ordering his usual as well as _The Bucket _(there was now a second sad picture of Pacifica hanging on the wall), Soos waited. The extra topping on the five pounds of ice-cream was barely noticeable.

The bell over the door rang, and Pacifica stomped into the store. She sat across from Soos and said. "Well?"

Suddenly the boy felt nervous, questioning his plan. Before he could speak, someone else entered the shop.

"Hey guys!" Mabel came over and sat down, all smiles. "I'm glad to see you again Paz. Did Soos give you my message?"

"Um, yeah. Thanks." Pacifica said uncomfortably. Unsure what else to say, the girl took a bite of her ice-cream.

Without asking permission, Mabel reached over and took a spoonful herself.

A strange look overcame both teens' faces. Suddenly shy, Mabel asked. "So… How have you been?"

"Okay." Pacifica wore a dreamy expression.

"You wanna get out of here? Talk for a little bit?"

"Okay." The blonde said, apparently unable to give more than a one word response.

The pair left, swaying slightly and brushing against each other.

Soos watched them leave. "Uh-oh."

::::::::::E::::::::

Dipper was in his room, getting ready for bed. Mabel never came back from her break, which meant he had to cover for her all day. When the front door slammed and feet ran upstairs, the boy was ready to lay in on his sister for her irresponsibility. The words froze in his mouth when he saw the girl's face.

Mabel looked panicky and ashamed, barely holding back tears. Her twin's anger was immediately replaced by concern.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Dipper pulled the girl into a hug. She didn't return it.

Sure that something was wrong, Dipper made soothing noises and told her to breathe. Mabel finally pulled away, calmer, but still looking guilty.

"Tell me what's wrong." The boy said gently.

Mabel looked down and dragged her foot across the ground. After a long pause, she said. "I- I kinda made out with your ex-girlfriend… A lot."

"What?"

"Pacifica!" The brunette yelled. "I don't know what happened! We were talking. Then we kissed. Then we kissed some more. Then we kissed a whole lot more!"

"WHAT?!"

"It all happened so fast!" Mabel was near tears again. "I don't know what came over me!"

"Mabel, you broke twin-rule number 37!" Dipper shouted. "_'No making out with your twin's ex.'" _

"I know!"

"You're the one who came up with that rule!"

"_I know!"_

Dipper paced back and forth, trying to calm down. "Why didn't you tell me you liked her? I never would have dated her if you did."

"I don't!" Mabel explained. "Or I didn't. It only happened today. I was just trying to patch things up with her when I noticed how shiny her hair looked, and how pretty her eyes are, and how soft her lips-"

"Okay! I don't need to hear any details." Dipper exclaimed, feeling embarrassed and conflicted.

Mabel looked down again, blushing.

"You do realize how complicated this makes things, right?"

"Yeah."

"I mean, it's the whole reason we made that rule in the first place."

"Yeah."

The teen started pacing once more. "This brings up so many painful questions: Did she only date me as a proxy for you? Is she only interested in you because you remind her of me? Or does she just have some sort of crazy twin fetish?"

"I'm sad now."

"Yeah. Me too."

:::::::::::A:::::::::::

Today was the first day Soos didn't want to go into work. Reluctant to see what he'd find, and sure the blame would fall on him, the boy opened the door to the Shack. The scene was relatively normal: Mabel behind the counter, Dipper restocking the shelves. But Soos could feel the tension in the air.

Neither teen noticed as he walked in. In fact, they only reacted when the bell rang a second time and Pacifica entered.

Dipper wore a complicated expression of anger, resentment, and confusion. Pacifica's face was almost as conflicted, her cheeks flushed and her eyes darted away; but as her sight landed on Mabel, a dreamy look overtook her.

Mabel matched the other girl's face as she approached, leaning on the counter.

"Hey."

"Hey."

They stared into each other's eyes until Dipper cleared his throat. "Mabel, could I speak to you in private?" Not waiting for a response, the boy pulled his sister into the living room.

::::::::::::M::::::::::

Without the twins present, Pacifica glanced around the gift shop. Her eyes finally landed on Soos huddled in the corner.

"You!" The teen snapped and stomped forward. "I don't know how you did it…"

The tween cringed.

"But you were right!" Pacifica smiled. "I haven't thought about Dipper at all. How did you know Mabel and me were so perfect for each other?"

"Uh…" Somehow, Soos felt even guiltier.

Wendy entered the Shack during this conversation. Confused, but not wanting to confront Pacifica, she went in search of the twins.

::::::::::::::::::::::

Dipper paced the kitchen while Mabel looked longingly into the hall. The boy said, "Did you already forget what we talked about last night?"

"Kinda. Yeah." Mabel mumbled.

"We don't know what her intentions are!" Her brother whisper-shouted. "We already know she's capable of manipulating people for her own agenda. This could be a trap!"

"No. No, she wouldn't do that to me." The girl frowned and bit her lip.

"I know you're a romantic at heart." Dipper said sympathetically. "But if there was any time to use your head, this is it."

Wendy chose that moment to walk in. "Okay. What's going on?"

Mabel's look of concern was replaced by a dazzling smile. "I'm in love!"

"Again?"

"No!... Sorta."

Soos joined his friends, standing silently on the side.

"I don't know." Mabel sighed. "All of the sudden I noticed how much I really like Pacifica. It was like magic."

"Magic?" Dipper pondered out loud. The teen ran to his sister with a flashlight in hand. Shining the beam into her eyes he gasped, and said. "Mabel, did you have another glitter accident?"

"What? No, not recently. Why?"

Instead of answering, the boy ran to the Gift Shop.

::::::::::::::::::::::

Alone in the Shop, Pacifica idly looked around. She'd seen all the novelties before, but without Mabel there, she didn't know what else to do.

Suddenly, Dipper ran into the room. He grabbed the girl by the shoulders and shined a light in her eyes.

Pacifica blushed at the close contact, but was surprised by the fact that she didn't feel the deep yearning that was present only a day before. Dipper stepped away, grim understanding on his face.

"Magic."

The others, who had followed him, let out a collective. "Huh?"

"Someone cast a spell on you. Both of you." The boy said, looking back and forth.

Wondering what he meant, Wendy looked at Mabel's eyes. At first she saw nothing; then, in the corner, she saw a glimmer. Tiny pink hearts were floating around her sclera.

"But who would do this?" Dipper continued. "And for what purpose? What kind of evil mastermind would-"

"All right, it was me!" Soos yelled, falling to his knees. "I just wanted Pacifica to be happy again! I wanted you all to be friends!"

Everyone stared at the boy, who was pulling at his own hair.

"But how?" Dipper was the first to speak.

"The love potion, dawg! I stole it from Mabel."

"It- It's because of a love potion?" Pacifica whispered.

"It's not real?" Mabel murmured with a frown.

"Why would you do something like that?" Dipper asked, gently but firm.

"Pacifica was so sad." The preteen explained. "And you wouldn't talk to her unless she moved on. I thought if she found someone else, you guys could be friends again."

Now Dipper felt bad too.

"I don't love her?" Pacifica was still in shock.

"My tummy hurts." Mabel whimpered.

Dipper sighed. "We need to take care of this."

::::::::::::::::::

In the twin's bedroom, Dipper went through Mabel's safe. After a few minutes, he pulled out a vile that matched the one Soos used, this one filled with a black mixture.

"Anti-Love Potion." The teen said, handing the bottle to Soos. "I don't think I should be here when you use this. It might complicate things."

Dipper left the room.

Mabel and Pacifica sat on her bed, their hips touching, but still somehow avoiding each other. Soos approached them and paused.

Mabel forced a smile. "It's okay. This is for the best."

Less confident, Pacifica agreed. "Do it."

Soos closed his eyes and sprayed them with the black glitter.

The teens shook their heads and blinked. When they recovered, the pair moved away from each other and coughed.

"Well… That was… Something." Mabel spoke first.

"Yes." Pacifica said uncomfortably. "I think we can both agree to never mention this again."

"Right, right." The brunette concurred. "No mentioning it till the end of summer."

"What? No!" The other girl shouted. "We don't talk about this _at all!"_

"I hear ya." Mabel said. "We ignore it until we have a sleepover and end up getting drunk off expired apple cider."

"No, no, no! We forget this ever happened!"

"I get it. We forget about it till we reconnect after college. No prob."

Pacifica decided not to pursue this argument anymore. "Look, I'm gonna head home."

While leaving, the blonde passed Soos.

Pausing, the heiress said. "I know I should be, but for some reason I'm not mad at you. You said you'd help me get over Dipper, and you kinda did. Right now all I want is to go home and think about what I'm really looking for." (Somehow, she still managed to say this heartfelt statement condescendingly).

Without another word, the blonde left the room.

::::::::::::::::::::::

Once he was sure it was safe, Dipper reentered the attic. "So, how'd it go?"

"Pretty good I think." Mabel answered, her usual jubilance slowly returning.

"What were you thinking?" Wendy asked.

"I was trying to fix things, dude!" Soos regretted what he did, but not the reason he did it.

"What happens now?" Wendy turned towards Mabel.

The older girl just shrugged, lost in her own thoughts.

"I'll tell you what I think." Dipper said. "This is just more proof that love is terrible, and should be avoided at all costs." He walked to his nightstand and collected some papers. "Well, I've got some work to do, so if you'll excuse me; I'm gonna sit in a dark room for hours on end, surrounded by my books and notes."

Mabel ushered their friends out the door before her brother had a chance to corrupt their young minds any further.

::::::::::::::::::::::

**J**_tsvyir_ **P**_qrtgi_, **W**_iebgv_ **O**_rfex_

**.**

Ip iztirbb hvqd xhq Otexzxy Rinpu Xsseqrit, Aynq byipkc-ttqtxgvr:  
… A zmy wvieiz AVERY mnrmexkfr hma dige hiekqzgiid uv vlg jiwqzu fgeiafp vsye. Wehmten jenubcxkfr wazmitj lahm espkvaobgh vyi duageuv, ahukj pgrhs fw vlgzv oiv iepxvezwww nzqbe ncpnzrg uv nsxv aifp vlgd…

:::::::::::::::::::::

I guess you can consider this part 1 of Pacifica's redemption story. Things aren't back to normal, but the healing process has begun (sorta).


	18. A Day Out

**.**

**A Day Out**

**.**

"Are we lost?"

"No."

"Then where are we?"

"… Somewhere I don't know how to get home from."

"So, _lost_."

"... Nooo."

Dipper and Wendy were lost. The pair had gone on an unsuccessful mystery hunt and wound up in a part of the forest neither had been to before. Now they wandered around aimlessly, hoping to find a familiar landmark.

They walked in increasing hopelessness until there was a guttural roar and the ground shook beneath their feet. Wendy was just able to make out a hideous red shape charging through the trees before Dipper dragged her away. Rooting through his backpack, the teen pulled out a scrap of cloth and tossed it over their heads, holding his friend close so it covered their eyes.

The stomps grew louder before stopping right in front of them. The creature sniffed the air for a moment, then stalked off. When the sound faded, Dipper pulled the cloth free, revealing it to be an ordinary towel.

"What the heck was that?!" Wendy shouted.

"The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal." Dipper answered. "It's a creature of such immense hunger that it'll devour anything in its path."

"Then how'd you stop it?"

"It's also the stupidest creature in the universe." The boy explained. "It assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you. That's why I covered our heads with a towel."

"And you carry around a towel because…?"

"Always keep a towel with you." He said sagely. "That's something both my- That's something Stan taught me. He used to drift around a lot. There's nothing more useful than a towel. Flip-a-Dip-Dip!"

"You seriously gotta stop saying that."

::::::::::::::::::::::

Mabel and Soos were not lost. The pair had decided to go for a soothing nature walk in the area around the Shack. But soon fresh air and exercise got boring, so the friends started to head back. That's when they heard some rustling behind the bushes.

Deciding to investigate, the kids pushed away the branches and looked into a clearing. There they found dozens of little bearded men, singing and dusting mushrooms with the help of forest animals.

_ "Heigh-Ho!  
Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho. Heigh-Ho Heigh-Ho Heigh-Ho!  
Heigh-Ho Heigh-Ho Heigh-Ho Heigh-Ho. Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho!"_

The two friends couldn't contain themselves and burst out laughing. The gnomes turned while the woodland critters scattered.

"You again!" The brown-bearded gnome shouted. "How dare you interrupt our sacred tidying ritual!"

"Sorry- Sorry, guys." Mabel tried to stifle her giggles. "It's just, I was _not_ expecting that!"

"Oh my gosh. You guys are adorable!" Soos added.

"Adorable? How dare you mock the mighty Gnomish race!"

"Aww, don't be like that!" Mabel smiled. "Your little song was so cute!"

"You break our truce then insult us Mabel?" Jeff seethed. "Don't think that just because you saved the universe you're allowed to enter our land!"

"Oh yeah? Who's gonna stop me?" Mabel was suddenly defiant. She illustrated this by tipping over a toadstool.

"You're nothing but a wicked seductress!" Jeff shouted

"Yeah? Well you're a-" Mabel paused to search for an appropriate comeback. "You're just a little _b'zugda-hiara."_

The gnomes let out a collective gasp.

"That's right, I said it." The teen crossed her arms. "What're you gonna do about it, huh?"

"Attack!" Jeff screeched.

"Oh. I wasn't actually expecting that." Mabel muttered. "Run!"

The girl grabbed Soos and darted through the woods.

"Okay. I admit I may have gone too far on that one." The brunette panted. "But those guys are still jerks. Dressing up as teenage zombies, making a gal fall in love with 'em."

Soos barely registered her words, focusing instead on the giant amalgamated gnome creature chasing them. Mabel yanked her friend off the path and through the trees. When they entered a field of clover, the gnomezilla slowed to a stop. The friends paused to catch their breath. The gnomes retreated back into the woods, Jeff shouting curses.

"Why'd they stop?" Soos gasped for air.

"We entered leprechaun territory." Mabel tried to compose herself. "They have a mini blood-feud with each other."

"Um, are the leprechauns gonna attack us too?"

"Nah. They're mostly mad at Dipper. We should be fine." The girl reassured. "Let's head back to the Shack."

::::::::::D::::::::::

There was a clearing up ahead. Rough stones stood in neat lines. Dipper knelt to examine one.

"I think these are grave markers." The boy said. The piece of granite was so worn that you could barely tell it had been shaped. "Probably all the way from pioneer times."

"Creepy." Wendy said.

"No, this is good." Dipper grinned at her. "You're gonna love this. Flip-a-Dip-Dip!"

"Dude, really?"

Apparently deaf to her frustration, the teen searched through his pack, pulling out some kind of steampunk-y meter and a piece of chalk. Dipper stared at his strange device and walked along the rows of stone. Finding something, the boy knelt down and drew a complicated pattern of lines on one of the rocks.

Wendy got closer and saw her friend prick his thumb with a pocketknife. The teen let a few drops of blood color the stave he'd drawn, before looking up bashfully.

"Only use blood-magic as a last resort, it's got a bad reputation for a reason." He said. "And like Gruncle Stan always says, 'it's never a good idea to leave your DNA lying around.' Besides, you can get the same results with a bottle of steak-sauce and a nine-volt battery."

Dipper leaned forward, his head nearly toughing the ground, and whispered something. Wendy strained to listen, but all she caught were a few strange words containing too many syllables. For a while nothing happened. Then, with a rumble, a crack opened in the ground.

A dusty voice spoke from beneath the earth. "What do you want?"

"Hey, what's up?" Dipper said casually.

"I'm dead. What do you think is 'up'?" The voice snapped.

"Good point." The teen glanced at his astonished friend and gave her a thumbs-up. "Anyway, we were hoping you could give us some help."

"Oh sure, no one just comes to visit; they always want something."

Ignoring this, Dipper continued. "We need directions back to town. Uh… Gravity Falls I mean. The place founded by Trembley."

"I know what you mean." The corpse said impatiently. "Go North till you hit a stream. Follow it till it joins the river. Head upstream and you'll get to the falls. That good enough for you?"

"Yeah, thanks man!" Dipper said, before whispering another spell.

"Hey! Wait, don't!-" But the crack sealed up and the voice was silenced.

"Okay! We know our way back." The teen smiled at his friend.

The girl stared at the ground, her fists clenched. "Why didn't you tell me you could talk to dead people?" She growled.

Dipper was taken aback by her tone. "Well… It's not exactly something that comes up in casual conversation."

Wendy just stood there seething.

"What? I didn't tell you what I had for breakfast this morning either." The boy argued. "It's not like I was keeping it a secret: if I was, I wouldn't have shown you."

"Let's just go." The preteen muttered.

::::::::::I::::::::::

The pair spent the trip back in silence.

Once at the Shack, Dipper asked, "Are you gonna tell me what's wrong or not?"

Wendy only answered with, "I'm going home."

The redhead stormed off, leaving her friend lost.

"What's goin' on?" Mabel appeared behind her brother, making him yelp.

"Where did you come from?"

"Oh, Dipper. I'm always here." The girl said. _"Always."_

"Creep." But the teen recounted his day with Wendy, including her sudden change in mood.

Mabel shook her head. "You seriously don't know what the problem is?"

"No. What?"

"For a smart guy, you can be a real dummy-dumb." The twin released a long-suffering sigh. "What's Wendy missing in her life?"

Dipper thought for a long while before his eyes widened. "Oh. Oh, man."

"Now do you see why she's upset?"

"I gotta go apologies."

Mabel rolled her eyes as she watched her brother run off.

::::::::::::P::::::::::

Wendy sat on a tree stump near her house. She was angry, an anger she thought she'd been able to suppress. And she was sad, a sadness the anger usually dulled.

"Hail Wendy, Daughter of Daniel." A voice said from behind.

The girl jumped. She hadn't heard anyone approach, and she'd been trained from birth to know the sounds of the forest. Wendy turned and gasped. A beautiful man stood behind her. His long (not fake) blonde hair framed his fair skinned face, and his whole body seemed to shine like starlight.

"Bah-bah-bah-Wha?"

"You do not know me, but I know you." The hot Elf said. "You are a friend of Valacirca, he who you know as Dipper. He called on us to guard you in his time of need. A favor not asked lightly, for, while we owe him much, it's against our laws to travel here and meddle in the affairs of mortals."

"Huh?"

That response seemed to articulate enough for the Elf to continue. "I know him well. Enough to realize he cares deeply for you. Tell me, what troubles you?"

Wendy felt exposed under the stranger's gaze, as if he already knew the answer she'd give. But she also sensed a feeling of good will, and found herself telling him her story.

The Elf stood in thought for a moment, then said, "Are you familiar with the phrase: _Flipp á díp dhip_?"

"Yeah, that's his dumb catchphrase."

"In my ancient language it means: 'I am in constant pain, please help me.'"

"Is- is that a reference to something? I feel as though we're ripping-off someone else's material (actually, it's kinda felt like that all day)."

The hot Elf just shrugged.

"Anyway, if that's what it means, he's probably just joking."

"You know Valacirca's jokes are terrible."

Wendy started. He was right, Dipper couldn't tell a joke to save his life. But what did it mean?

"Valacirca has very few friends." Her companion said, as if reading her thoughts. "And those he has, he has trouble trusting. He's afraid to show weakness, he's afraid to ask for help. And his own burdens sometimes blind him to the feelings of others."

"… What should I do?"

"Show him that his fears are misguided. He already trusts you, let him realize it."

Wendy stared down at her feet. Maybe she had been too harsh. How would he know what this meant to her? Dipper really didn't try to hide it from her either, it just never came up before today. The girl looked up to tell her new _friend?_ that she understood, but he was gone.

A rustle in the bushes caught the preteen's attention. The Elf hadn't made a sound, this was something else. Dipper burst forward, pulling twigs from his hair.

"Wendy, I'm sorry-"

"Dipper, I'm sorry-"

The friends spoke at the same time, then shared a look of confusion.

"Why are you apologizing?" The boy said first. "I understand why you're upset. I should have realized how hard that would be on you. I didn't think it through at all."

"No. It's not your fault." Wendy argued. "This whole thing just brought up a lot of old feelings I didn't know I still had, and I blamed them on you. I just- I miss her, y'know? I wish I could talk to her again."

Dipper sat beside his friend and wrapped an arm around her. "I know. I can't imagine how you're feeling, I've never had to deal with anything like that."

Wendy was beginning to realize that that wasn't quite true. This boy, this _kid_, had witnessed more than she knew. More than one person should.

The pair sat in silence for a while, Dipper holding the girl close. Finally the teen said, "I know you want to talk to your mom again, but you can't. Not even with magic."

Wendy stiffened. "But- but…"

When she couldn't form a sentence, Dipper continued. "You can only call on spirits that are still here, like ghosts. That means they had to die with an unfulfilled life."

"But she left me! How could she die satisfied if she stopped being my mom?!"

Dipper smiled at her sadly. "Because you turned out like you did. She must've done everything right for you to be who you are now."

Wendy latched onto her friend and cried. Holding her, Dipper was shocked by how small the girl felt in his arms. She was so strong and brave, he often forgot that she was only twelve, only a little kid. He held her as she let out her suppressed tears, the weakness she didn't dare show anyone.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::

**LB'H QWI STPJQPUQHP QU BWJ FIAO QI IICIQRWQDQ.**

**.**

This was supposed to be a short silly chapter, but it became progressively more serious as I wrote it… I feel sad now.

**.**


	19. Northwest Mansion Mystery 2: This Again

Here it is, the conclusion of Pacifica's story arc.

**.**

**Northwest Mansion Mystery 2:**  
**This Again**

**.**

Another lazy Monday at the Mystery Shack, Gravity Falls' best (and only) tourist trap. With nothing much to do, the four child laborers goofed off while Stan made halfhearted attempts to scold them for slacking. When the porch steps creaked, everyone took their scamming positions, but it was just the mailman. Soos grabbed a silver_ish_ candlestick, just in case he really was a werewolf, but the hairy man only stuffed a bundle of envelopes through the slot.

"Toss any bills or death-threats in the trash." Stan instructed. "But make sure you save the bills _containing _death-threats."

"We know the routine Gruncle Stan." Dipper said, while Soos gathered the mail.

"Hey, what's this?" The pudgy tween held up five golden letters.

"Oh my gosh! Invitations to Northwest Fest!" Mabel snatch them from his hand. "And there's one for each of us!"

Wendy cocked an eyebrow, "Why?"

"That's what I'd like to know." Dipper took the invites from his sister and saw she was right, five individually addressed envelopes.

"Why would she invite _me_?" The redhead asked.

Even the ever optimistic Mabel couldn't answer that one. She truly did believe Pacifica was a good person, but she knew the girl could hold a grudge like nobody's business.

Dipper ripped open his invitation and saw there was nothing more than the standard greeting, plus date and time. "I don't trust this."

"Maybe she just wants everyone to be friends again?" Soos said bashfully.

Latching onto her friend's hope, Mabel's enthusiasm returned. "Yeah! She obviously wants a second chance with all of us!"

Her brother crossed his arms. "Well, I'm not going."

"Wha?! C'mon Bro-bro!"

"Nope! If this isn't a ploy to get me back, then it's something even worse."

Mabel rolled her eyes and blew a raspberry. "You seriously think she's still trying to get back together with you?"

"She's been trying for nearly a month!"

"Still, that sounds a little conceited. I mean, it's not as if you're _me_."

"Can we get back to the fact that she invited _me_ to the party?" Wendy interrupted.

Mabel's face fell, her confidence failing again. "That is true. She does hate you."

"Whatever the reason, I'm still not going." Dipper turned away.

"Feh. You and your dumb pride." Stan finally spoke up. "It's always holding you back."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm disappointed in you Dipper." The old man said. "You're letting that Northwest girl get away."

"Gruncle Stan, you hate the Northwests." The boy sighed.

"Hate is such a strong word. I like to think of it as disliking them more than I dislike everyone else in the world."

"And why do you want me to be with Pacifica?"

Stan looked at his nephew like he'd just grown a second head (Literally. It was the same look he gave Dipper that time he grew a second head). "Because she's rich of course!"

The teen rolled his eyes. "Give me two good reasons why I should date her."

"One: she's rich." Stan said. "And two: she's rich."

"Yeah. Those are the answers I expected."

"I've got another dozen good reasons."

"Do they all have to do with the fact that she's rich?"

"Yes."

Dipper couldn't even respond to that. Stan ignored his nephew's feelings and walked off.

The boy grumbled and turned to his sister. "Look, you do what you want, but my mind's made up."

He exited too. Now only three were left in the Shop.

Mabel sighed, all teasing set aside. "I donno. I think Pacifica wants to make things right. But I also think Dipper has a point."

"Why don't you just ask her?" Soos offered.

"Huh?"

"Talk to Pacifica. See what she means."

Mabel's grin threatened to split her face, "Soos, you're a genius!"

The girl ran outside, leaving the two twelve-year-olds to run the business.

:::::::::::::::

The _Used To Be About History Chanel_ was having a special on Bigfoot. Dipper knew everyone on the show was a quack, but sometimes they got something right. He was interrupted by a knock on the door. When the second knock went unanswered, the teen groaned and got up. He opened up to find an elegant blonde standing there.

"I need your help." Pacifica said.

Dipper started closing the door.

"Mabel told me you weren't gonna come, and that I had to explain this for myself."

Her tone piqued the boy's interest, so he gestured for her to continue.

"Something's going on at the manor." Pacifica's voice was desperate. "We need you."

Dipper scoffed. "Yeah? Like last time?"

"No!" The blonde shouted. "My parents don't even know I'm here. They've been ignoring the whole thing! I'm afraid people will get hurt." When the boy didn't respond she added, "It's not just aristocrats who're in danger, everyone in town is allowed in the common area now."

Dipper cringed. He knew what she was doing: she was purposely implying he wouldn't have helped the high-class attendants, regardless of the danger.

"What's been happening?" The boy reluctantly asked.

"It was subtle at first." Pacifica said. "Seemingly random bad luck, like in those myths you used to tell me."

The brunette looked away.

"But it wasn't 'til this weekend that I was sure. I've been having… dreams. And the walls are sprouting _twigs_. It's like the entire mansion is alive."

"Another ghost?" The boy questioned.

"I don't know."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

Pacifica rolled her eyes, "Fix it, duh!"

"So…" Dipper chose his words carefully. "This is a professional consultation?"

"Uh, I guess?"

"Then what's my payment?"

The girl growled, "I've already invited your weird little… _clan_… to the best party of the year! What else do you want? Cash? Stock options?"

"Total access to your family library and father's study." Dipper said without hesitation.

"What, why?"

"Your family may be frauds, but they're still one of the oldest in Gravity Falls. There could be some useful information hidden in that mansion."

"Ugh, dork." The heiress grumbled. "I can't believe I was ever into you."

"You weren't." It was obvious the boy was trying to get under her skin, but Pacifica wasn't gonna let that happen. Nope.

"Deal?"

"Deal."

Dipper held out his hand to shake, while Pacifica opened her arms for a hug. The girl quickly coughed and shook her business partner's hand, pretending her other movements hadn't happened.

::::::::::::::::

Northwest Fest: The fanciest celebration of the year. It had existed for almost as long as the town itself, but the common folk had only been allowed in since 2012.

Once a year the gates opened and everyone crowded into the main hall of the mansion. Of course, the rich and famous types were allowed into the inner chambers, but what did that matter when the rest could get a taste of the fine life?

Stan, Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and Wendy were getting more than a taste of the fine life tonight: they were getting the full buffet. Five of the most prized tickets of the season had been handed out to these riffraff, and at least one of them wasn't gonna let the opportunity go to waste.

"Welp, talk to you kids later." Stan started to walk off. "I'm gonna see if I can seduce some of these old widows into leaving me everything in their will."

"Gross." The twins said simultaneously.

"Ah, wadda you know?" The old man stormed away, leaving the minors unsupervised.

Dipper sighed. "Alright, I guess we gotta-"

"Good, you're here." Pacifica interrupted. "Come with me."

The girl tugged the mystery hunter by the wrist. When the others followed, she paused.

"The rest of you can enjoy the party." The blonde said with forced cordiality.

"Nope." Dipper pulled his arm free. "They're with me. I'll at least need Wendy, she's a good assistant." He said smugly, knowing that would set his ex off.

Pacifica held her composer as best she could. She knew her ex was one of the most vindictive people she'd ever met (maybe even rivaling herself), so she decided to play by his rules. _For now._

"Fine." The teen conceded. "But they're not walking around like that. C'mon."

:::::::::::::::

Dipper wore what Mabel had dubbed his: _Mini Mr. Mystery Suit_. His sister had on one of her homemade dresses. But, despite wearing the best clothes they had, Pacifica insisted the two preteens change.

After rejecting anything with puffs or frills, Wendy finally emerged wearing a simple green dress and flats (she refused the high heels, unwilling to be any more freakishly tall than she already was).

Soos was given a well fitted tuxedo. He actually liked how spiffy he felt.

"Now will you tell us what we're dealing with?" Dipper tapped his foot impatiently.

"I already told you I don't know what it is!" Pacifica snapped. "You have to see for yourself."

:::::::::::::::::::

The four paranormal detectives and their employer entered the East wing of the manor. The twins had never been in this part of the mansion before, but that wasn't surprising, the Northwest property was massive.

"No one ever comes up here." Pacifica explained. "That's why the servants haven't… _pruned _the halls."

Indeed, the log-cabin style walls were covered in fresh twigs and leaves.

"That's…" Dipper tried to come up with something smart to say. "Unconventional."

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "No duh, Dip-shi-" The girl glanced at their younger companions. "… shins."

Soos stared in confusion, while Wendy just shook her head.

Meanwhile, the twins examined the area.

"When'd you first notice something was wrong?" Mabel asked.

"A week or so ago, I think."

"And when did this start happening?" The girl gestured to the wall, while her brother collected samples.

"This weekend. Sunday at the latest."

Dipper took over the interrogation, "What's changed within the last couple weeks?"

"Nothing." But Pacifica wasn't sure of her own answer, her parents weren't exactly the open type.

The boy continued. "You said you had a dream. What was it?"

Her cheeks glowed. The blonde regretted mentioning that, she didn't even know if it was real or not. _Too late now I guess_, "It was the lumberjack." She replied. "He warned me that the forest was angry."

The twins shared a look. "Did he say anything else?"

Pacifica shook her head.

Dipper and Mabel walked away and talked in soft voices. They turned back, and Dipper said, "Okay. We'll split up and search the grounds. We all know the signs for ghosts." (Soos and Wendy nodded). "But I'm not convinced that's what's wrong. We should watch the partygoers too."

"We're looking for anything woodsy related." Mabel added. "Probably not the fact that the house is made of wood though, since the forest woulda taken revenge on that a long time ago."

With an unspoken agreement, the Mystery Shack workers scattered. Pacifica stood alone. "Um. I'll just… tend to the party… I guess."

:::::::::::::::

_Alright._ Wendy thought. _You're on a major paranormal mission. You can do this. _The girl took in her surroundings. _At a giant party. Full of strangers. Wearing a dress… I can't do this!_

The preteen turned to bolt, but ran into something pink and fluffy.

"Whoa there, cowgirl!" Mabel said, steadying her friend. "What's the rush?"

Wendy blushed, and quickly came up with an excuse. "I just thought I'd check outside."

The teen mulled this over for a while, then said. "We should probably focus in here first. Vengeful spirits don't usually target peacocks and hedge mazes. C'mon!"

Mabel grabbed her younger friend, dragging her into the maw of social anxiety.

:::::::::::::::

_Okay. This is it Soos._ The paunchy boy said to himself. _You're on your own. Time to prove you can step up and be a serious mystery solver! Time to- Hey, who's that?_

Soos was distracted by a girl at the buffet. She had dirty-blonde hair and full cheeks, but what he really noticed was that she was piling _Meat Cute_ brand meat onto her plate. His favorite.

The boy decided mingling wouldn't go against their mission. Dipper had said to keep an eye on the guests after all. He sidled up next to his target, sweating more than usual for some reason.

"Hi! I'm Soos!" He shouted unintentionally. Taking control of his volume, the boy continued awkwardly. "I see you like _Meat Cute_ too."

The girl smiled at him. "Oh, yeah. My dad owns the company, so we eat it all the time."

"Lucky!"

The girl giggled. "I'm Melody."

"Oh! My name's Soos." The tween held out his hand.

Melody laughed even harder, but shook anyway. "You already said that."

"Uh, right." Soos turned red.

"Have you been to the party before? This is my first year."

"Naw. I'm only here to help look for ghosts and monsters." Once he said it, the boy internally slapped himself. This was supposed to be a secret mission! Besides, no one would actually believe-

"Woah, really?" Melody's eyes went wide. "This place is haunted?"

"Uh, yeah, maybe. That's why Pacifica invited us." Soos said uncertainly. "Though, it might've been because she's in love with one or both of my friends. It's kinda hard to tell."

Melody cocked her head in confusion.

"It's complicated." The preteen explained. "It involves betrayal, and heartbreak, and love potion. Actually, it makes a pretty good story. I wonder if I can work it into my Stanfiction?"

The girl still didn't say anything.

Soos nervously cleared his throat, "Anyway, I should, uh, probably go do the paranormal thing. Bye!" He ran off without another word.

::::::::B:::::::

_You've got this._ Dipper told himself._ There's some sort of anomaly going on in this building. You're a professional, there's nothing to worry about. The fact that your ex-girlfriend hired you doesn't change anything. It's just a job._

A tap on the teen's shoulder made him jump, it took all his willpower to keep from screaming. He turned quickly, and found Pacifica staring at him.

"Well? Have you found anything?" The girl said. Her authoritative voice was unusually forced.

Dipper sighed. "This sorta thing takes time. I can't just instantly make the place go back to normal."

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "I knew I should've hired a professional."

The brunette realized his ex was just trying to get a rise out of him, she was one of the most vindictive people he knew after all (maybe even worse than himself).

Before the pair could say anything else, the band started playing. Couples around them started dancing. Almost instantly, Pacifica put her arms around the other teen and moved them to the rhythm.

"What are you doing?" Dipper whispered.

"Do you want to draw attention to ourselves, or do you want to discuss our arrangement?" The heiress answered.

The Pines boy moved stiffly. The sense of validation concerning Pacifica's motives didn't outweigh his feeling of entrapment.

"What's left to discuss?" The brunette said. "I'll catch your tree-spirit, you'll let me go through your family's books."

"Is that what it is? A tree-spirit?"

Dipper wasn't actually sure, but it was his best theory so far. "Maybe, or something similar. There's a definite nature motif, and no obvious sign of human manifestations, so an anthropomorphic-personification is probably involved."

"I have no idea what that is."

The first song had stopped, leading directly into the second. Dipper was trying to figure out how to escape, when a new voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Mind if I cut in?" Mabel smiled.

Pacifica stepped away and smoothed out her dress. Dipper just sighed in relief.

This development didn't come as a surprise to the blonde. Whenever they were at a party, the twins always shared at least one dance together (otherwise Dipper would end up spending the evening pressed against the wall looking lost). Of course, this didn't help the rumors about the two (rumors Pacifica may or may not have had a hand in spreading that first summer {Don't judge! She was a different person back then… mostly}).

Mabel draped an arm over her brother's shoulder, before pushing him aside and grabbing Pacifica. The quirky brunette forced the other girl into a chaotic waltz, while her sibling hurried away.

"Okay, I've spotted some weirdos." Mabel whispered.

Oh… So this was business related. Well, that's… good. Yeah. Nothing disappointing about that.

"See the guy over my shoulder?" The twin said. "The one that looks like a political cartoon?"

Pacifica saw, and nodded. "Yeah. He's a banker."

"What's his deal?"

"He's a friend of my dad's, but they haven't done business together in years."

Mabel _hmmed _and changed their position. "What about that guy with the high cheekbones and sunken eyes? The one that looks like the villain from a spy movie?"

The heiress paused. "I'm not sure. He's been coming around a lot lately. I think he and my dad are working on a new factory."

Mabel's _hmm _was more interested this time, but moved again. "How about him?" She dipped the girl low, allowing her to see a boy around their age.

"He's Ronald Stump. Some billionaire's son from the east coast."

The brunette's eyes were serious. "And does he have a girlfriend?"

"Yeah. She's over there." Pacifica gestured to someone behind her partner.

Mabel quickly turned them, then sighed, "There goes person-of-interest number four. But otherwise I think we made some progress."

The music stopped, and the dancers dispersed. Mabel gave an exaggerated bow and kissed the other teens hand, then wiggled her eyebrows and ran off cackling.

Pacifica was left alone again. She just couldn't figure that girl out. She always made light of grave situations (which, admittedly, was a relief at times), but that meant it was almost impossible to tell when she was being serious. It didn't help that she flirted with just about everyone, whether she meant it or not. The blonde couldn't even tell if she was actually into those two kids, or herself for that matter, and… Wait. Why should that matter?

:::::::::I:::::::

_Here we go Stan. Just like before._ The old man wiped his sweaty brow, and put down his cards.

"Five aces!" He said with a grin.

The others at the table groaned, once more beaten by the newcomer.

"Sorry boys!" The codger subtly tapped the cards hidden up his sleeve. "I guess it's just my lucky night!"

The elder Pines was surrounded by gray-haired men in expensive suits. Each held a cigar and glass of brown liquor. While Stand didn't refuse either, he made sure to keep a clear head. He couldn't afford to get sloppy, not in the presence of high-rollers who didn't realize they were being fleeced.

:::::::::G::::::::

_This is it. You've been training your whole life for this moment!_ Mabel thought.

Lightning-fast, she pulled her hair back and ducked under the chocolate fountain. She filled her cheeks until she finally needed to breathe. Surfacing, her face was a mess.

_60 seconds. A new record!_

:::::::::::::::

The spontaneous growth of the Northwest architecture was getting worse. Dipper had explored the mansion, and found that most of the activity was centered around the guests. This wasn't a surprise: what point was revenge if you didn't have an audience?

The teen noticed the fresh twigs all pointed in the same direction. Plants will naturally grow towards their source of energy, i.e. the sun, but they were indoors.

Following the branches, Dipper spotted the target: Preston Northwest.

The family patriarch was talking to another man, the one Mabel pointed out to him, the supervillain guy. The pair left the room. Dipper followed.

"Is everything proceeding as scheduled?" Preston asked. They were in one of the side parlors, trophies hung on the walls.

"We've hit some… Delays." The other man answered.

"I'm not paying for _delays."_ Mr. Northwest growled.

"And I'm not investing in workers who fail to get results!" The stranger snapped.

The pair glared at each other, until the skull-faced man relented, "Until _your_ employees do their job, _my _material won't do any good."

"Perhaps a 'company meeting' will help." Preston sighed.

"I doubt it." The stranger said. "Even the loggers are terrified. They won't cut down a single tree. Some ridiculous superstition."

"_Hmph_. Just nonsense from a bunch of inbred hicks."

"Well we _need_ those hicks if you want this factory built. And why'd you pick that location anyway? It's in the middle of nowhere!"

"This whole town is in the middle of nowhere." Preston groused. "But I plan to change that. My ancestor founded this community, but since then no one's had the ambition to turn it into anything more than a blip on the map surrounded by dirt and trees. Until now:  
I'm going to push back the borders of this pathetic town, and make it a place to be recognized. I'd bulldoze that whole blasted forest if I had the chance, but for now I'll have to settle for doing it one acre at a time."

"Well, that explains a lot." Dipper made his presence known, dramatically stepping from the shadows (well, what he considered to be dramatic at least).

"How did you get in here?" Preston snapped.

"You left the door open."

"I meant the party! This area is private, you can 'hootenanny' with the rest of the rabble in the main hall."

In response, Dipper held up his invitation.

"_Pacifica_." The man growled. "I thought that girl had finally come to her senses, but I guess her mother and I will have to have another talk with her."

"She didn't ask me here for fun." The teen said. "She needed help to keep this party from turning into a bloodbath."

"Who is this boy? What's he talking about?" Preston's business partner asked.

"No one." Mr. Northwest said. "Just some trouble maker. Don't listen to him, he's crazy."

"Oh yeah? You call that crazy?" Dipper pointed behind the two men where a whole forest grew from the walls. "Well, I guess it is crazy. But not in the way you meant!"

"What is going on here?" The stranger backed away.

"Gravity Falls isn't normal. You're not from around here, so I guess you have an excuse." Dipper answered, before rounding on Preston. "But you! Did you really think you could tear up that forest without consequences?"

"I'm a Northwest! Consequences are what happen to other people!"

One of the branches wrapped itself around Preston's partner, dragging him to the wall. At the same time the mansion shook, the floor buckling.

"Yeah. I guess you're right about that." Dipper said, as people started screaming. Running for the door, he continued. "We have to evacuate the building now!"

"Absolutely not! I refuse to let something like this go public!"

The boy paused to glare back. "Of course. You don't even care about your own daughter, why did I think you'd care about a bunch of strangers."

::::::::W::::::::

Wendy was finally able to breath. She'd snuck out to the back porch, leaving the crowd inside. When the door behind her opened, she decided to ignore the newcomer. Then a disgruntled sigh made her turn.

Pacifica walked past the girl to lean on the railing. "Shouldn't you be working?"

"Shouldn't you be partying?" The redhead shot back.

"I hate these dumb parties."

Wendy was surprised by the answer. It was totally out of character from what she'd come to expect.

Since apparently neither girl had anything more to say, Wendy scanned the grounds. It was a lot shabbier than she'd thought, overgrown with trees. Wait. Had those been there a minute ago?

The preteen's thoughts were interrupted by the ground lurching beneath her feet, and screams coming from inside.

The pair of rivals looked at each other, then ran back towards the mansion. They were stopped by a curtain of wood blocking the entrance. A rumble from behind made the girls turn. Yep. Those trees definitely hadn't been there before, and now they were getting closer.

An arboreal legion marched towards the manor. Pacifica was frozen in shock until Wendy grabbed her wrist and drew her away. The girls ran from the porch, looking for another way inside, or at least some shelter.

Every entryway was shuttered, and the trees were gaining. Wendy spotted a shed off to the side and dragged the older girl to it. They might be able to barricade themselves inside for a while and… Wait. What happened to Pacifica?

The teen was outside, next to a scattered pile of chopped wood. Well, not so much chopped as _mangled_. Pacifica yanked an antique ax from the stump and hefted over her shoulder. Not one to be outdone, Wendy ran back to the toolshed and took an ax of her own.

The girls shared a look. "You ready?"

::::::::O::::::::

Northwest Manor was big. Really big. Big enough for Soos to get hopelessly lost.

"Well, I guess this is it dude." The boy said to himself, collapsing against a wall. "This is how it ends: Trapped in a mansion. No food, no water, no one to help you."

"Soos!"

"Oh no, it's happening!" The tween clutched his head. "I'm going insane from loneliness!"

"Soos!"

"Huh, I always thought the voices in my head would sound manlier."

"Soos, there you are!" Someone came up behind him, panting.

"Melody?"

"Hey. I've been looking all over for you." The girl said.

"Are you part of the search party?"

"What? No silly!" She giggled, then suddenly turned bashful. "You ran off so fast, I didn't get to ask… Can I join your ghost hunt?"

Soos wasn't expecting that. He didn't think anyone else around here even believed in the supernatural. "Sure dude, that'd be great!" But his excitement was quickly overshadowed by fear. "But, uh, I don't think it's ghosts we're looking for anymore…"

"Why do you say that?"

The boy pointed behind her.

Giant branches had sprung from the paneling. One of the limbs swiped at Melody, but Soos tackled her to the ground. As the boy tugged her away, the pair were thrown together when the house lurched.

"What's happening?"

"I don't know dawg. But we gotta get outta here!"

Soos grabbed Melody's hand and pulled her down the hall as branches tried to grab them. Up ahead he saw a potted plant, and an idea formed in his head. _It just might be silly enough to work!_ He thought, quoting one of Mabel's favorite lines.

The boy seized the decorative plant, and held it in a chokehold. "Back off dudes! Or the ficus gets it!"

The branches stopped, their leaves quavering. Soos backed away, shielding Melody. He glanced behind them, they were near a bathroom: all gleaming tile and no wood.

"Okay, nice and easy." The pair inched back. Once inside the relative safety of the other room, Soos threw out the shrub and slammed the door. There were a few heavy knocks against the frame, but apparently the magic-y forest soon lost interest.

"What- what do we do now?" Melody was shaking.

This was new territory for Soos. He was usually the rescuee, not the other way around. The boy awkwardly wrapped an arm around his new friend, who clung to him closely. "Don't worry, we're safe in here. My friends will figure out how to stop this."

The mansion shook again.

:::::::::R::::::::

"Y'know, you're actually not that terrible." Wendy's ax bit into a new target, sending tree sap splattering across her face. "Your form's a little amateurish, but otherwise-"

"Just shut up and chop kid!" Pacifica shouted as she swung he own ax.

The pair were surrounded by the army of trees. Back to back, they slowly worked their way towards the manor, still hoping to find a way inside.

"So, I take it you're the one who cut all that wood?" The redhead spoke up again. She'd gotten used to there being a lot of banter in this type of situation, but the magic trees weren't particularly chatty, so she felt a need to fill the void.

"It helps me when I'm stressed." The older girl answered. "But if my parents ever found out I was doing manual labor they'd ground me. Which makes me even more stressed."

Wendy glanced at the antique ax the blonde was using. "Where'd you get that thing anyway?"

"Vengeful lumberjack ghost."

"Is there anyone your family hasn't pissed off?"

"I doubt it."

The duo reached the barricaded porch doors.

"Cover me!" Pacifica shouted as she started hacking at the obstructing branches.

The ground quaked beneath their feet.

:::::::D:::::::

It was chaos in the manor. As far as he could tell, Dipper had herded everyone into the main hall. No one noticed that rich and poor were rubbing elbows in their panic (no one noticed that Stan was stuffing anything that looked valuable into his pockets either {hey, a man's gotta have his priorities straight}). Doors and windows were covered in a curtain of wood and leaf, there was no escape.

Standing on a table, Dipper shouted at the top of his lungs. "Listen up!"

No one paid any attention.

Grumbling, the teen pulled a smokebomb from his pocket and threw it at the ground. The small explosion was enough to get people to look at him.

"Listen up!" The brunette said again. "I know what's causing this!"

The crowd gathered closer, finally willing to listen.

"Preston Northwest is working on a plan to tear down the woods surrounding Gravity Falls. This is a preemptive strike from the anthropomorphic-personification of the forest itself!"

"What's that?" Someone shouted.

Dipper sighed. "It's the living embodiment of a fundamental abstraction."

"Huh?"

The boy slapped his forehead and groaned. "A natural process endowed with human form or personality."

"Use words we understand!"

"It's a tree spirit, okay?" The teen snapped. "The forest is angry for being bulldozed, and is fighting back."

"What kinda hippie tree-hugger explanation is that?" A familiar voice spoke up this time.

Dipper pinched the bridge of his nose and mumbled. "Thanks Gruncle Stan. Thanks for that vote of confidence." Raising his voice again, he said. "The point is, we need to convince Northwest to abandon this project."

"Ah, violence! Now that I can get behind." Stan was once more engaged in the topic.

"No violence!... Well, maybe a little… Look, let's just talk this out first."

"Lame!"

"Now… Wait, has anyone seen him?"

The partygoers looked around for the Northwest patriarch, but there was no sign of him.

That's when the ground shook and cracks appeared around a trapdoor. A fully grown tree burst from the floor, with Preston trapped in its branches.

"That works." Dipper turned to the man. "Cancel work on that new factory and whatever other plans you have so we can end this!"

"You people don't honestly believe this fantasy nonsense, do you?" Preston addressed the crowd.

Unsure murmurs swept the room.

"Seriously?" Dipper indignantly gestured to the state of the building.

More uncertain whispers.

Mayor Cutebiker stepped forward. "You both make a good argument. I think the best idea it to open a dialogue to explore both points of view." A branch snapped forward and smacked him upside the head.

The floor lurched again, and a chasm opened beneath Dipper's feet. Before he even had a chance to scream, a pink blur zoomed across the room, grabbing the boy and lifting him towards the ceiling.

"Mabel saves the day again!"

"Thanks Mabel. But I don't think the day's saved yet." Dipper said. "Also, I don't think we can get down."

The twins looked to see a giant hole filled with writhing roots directly below them.

"Oh. Yeah." The girl conceded. "Also, you're kinda heavy."

"Ah, right." Dipper grabbed hold of his sister's grappling hook so she wasn't supporting both their weight.

"Any ideas?"

The boy yelled to Preston. "Look, just tear up whatever contract you have. Besides, if your partner isn't already dead, I doubt he's gonna do any more business with you."

"I will not be intimidated! And I'm certainly not listening to some dumb kid!"

"Seriously dad?!" Pacifica and Wendy entered the room. Their dresses were torn, and they were covered in scratches and sap. "Just do what he says! You've messed up enough already by not listening to him!"

"How dare you speak to your father like that!"

"Yeah, yeah." The blonde said dismissively as she marched towards him. "You can ground me later, or cut off my funds again, or disown me for all I care! I've tried being a better person, but you and mom keep sucking me back in. I'm sick of it!"

Pacifica reached into her father's pocket and pulled out an official looking document.

"Alright, listen up!" The girl addressed the room (the room itself, not the people standing in it). All the branches pointed at her. She held up the contract and tore it in half. "There. No more factory. You can leave now."

The leaves shook, giving off a sound almost like a hiss. Instead of disappearing, the branches swung around more violently.

Pacifica was pushed down. "Wha- What's happening? Why didn't that work?"

"I don't think you have the legal authority to make that sort of decision." A voice said from above her.

The heiress looked up to see the twins.

"Maybe you need a notary." Mabel added helpfully.

"I think your dad has to do it." Dipper continued.

The blonde turned back to her father. "Well?"

"Well what? I am done with this conversation."

"Are you seriously willing to let everyone die over this?!" Pacifica was yanking at her own hair now, until a small hand rested on her shoulder.

"Let me try something." Wendy said.

The preteen calmly walked over to Preston, looked in his eyes, and socked him in the stomach. Grabbing his collar, she shook the man. "Just do what they say! I thought I hated Pacifica, but you, you're the worst human being I've ever met! I fought an Entmoot to save this place! So listen to your daughter!" She started slapping him across the face.

"Okay! Ow! Okay!" The man yelled. "Stop already! I'll cancel construction. I'll even plant new trees. Just get away from me you ruffian!"

"Ha! I told you violence was the answer!"

Wendy walked back to Pacifica's side. "Okay, now what?"

As if in answer, a leaf landed on her ginger hair. The branches on the walls started to wilt, and the barricade over the door fell apart. Immediately people fled the mansion, leaving only a few left in the hall.

Free of the still living tree in the middle of the room, Preston retreated upstairs with only a glare at the Pines and his daughter.

"We did it!" Laughing, Pacifica pulled Wendy into a hug. Once she realized what she was doing, the teen let go and made a little shooing motion with her hands.

Mabel and Dipper rappelled from the ceiling faster than was safe, landing in a heap.

"I think we're getting to heavy for this." Mabel groaned.

Pacifica approached Dipper cautiously. "Well you did it." She rubbed the back of her neck. "Um, thank you."

"All in a day's work." The boy said, massaging his sore back.

"I guess we can figure out a time for you to go through my parents' book." The teen looked around her ruined home. "It, uh, it might take a while."

"No need." The brunette brushed himself off. "I already went through your stuff while I was looking for clues."

Pacifica gave him an indignant glare.

"What? I needed all the information I could get for this job. I just killed two birds with one stone."

"Hey! You kids comin' or what?" Stan was already at the door, waiting to go home. Wendy walked over to him, but the twins stayed behind.

Pacifica's face fell. "Well, bye." She grimaced as she looked upstairs where her father went.

"Wait." Dipper pulled a flash drive from his pocket. "This has a list of all the misdeeds your ancestors committed, including those against people who're actually powerful enough to retaliate."

"Why would I want that?"

"Leverage over your parents? Blackmail? Your call." The boy shrugged. "Also, if they use your bank account to control you, you should really convert your funds into cash and bury it. Or gold. Gold works too."

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Is that one of your apocalypse tips?"

"No, if I was gonna warn you about the apocalypse, I'd tell you to invest in antibiotics and root vegetables." Dipper paused. "On a totally unrelated note: You might wanna stock up on penicillin and turnips."

"Hang in there Paz." Mabel gave her friend a crushing hug before joining her uncle.

"See you… sometime." The heiress said to Dipper, timidly opening her arms.

The boy looked uncomfortable, but reciprocated. The hug was stiff and awkward on Dipper's part, but he knew he'd gotten to the point where he was ready to be friends again.

::::::S:::::::

.  
-Epilogue-  
.

"Stupid fancy fertilizers they're using these days. Making everybody's houses turn into jungles." Stan grumbled as he drove the kids home.

"What?!" Wendy shouted from the back seat. "Ferti- but- it wasn't- you saw!"

Dipper put a comforting hand on his friends shoulder. "It's best to not even try."

"But how can he-"

The boy shook his head. "Stan is a mystery that just can't be solved."

The old man gave no sign of hearing his passengers and continued speaking. "In my day, if you wanted to grow something, you just scooped up whatever was in the outhouse and spread it on the lawn."

"Gruncle Stan, that's really gross." Mabel wrinkled her nose.

"I didn't hear you complaining when you ate those tomatoes I grew."

"Eugh!"

Wendy was lost in her own thoughts until she was jolted back to reality. "We forgot Soos!"

::::::::::::::::::

The pudgy boy peeked out of the bathroom. The floor was covered in dry leaves, and the walls had stopped moving.

"I think it's safe." Soos walked through the door. When nothing happened, he gestured for Melody to follow.

Despite the lack of activity, the girl still held onto her new friend tightly. It wasn't until the pair made it outside that Melody let go.

The meat heiress pulled Soos into another hug. "Oh my gosh, you saved me!"

The boy blushed until a car horn cut the night air.

Melody looked over her shoulder, seeing the family limo. "Hey, do you need a ride home?"

"That's okay, I-" It was then that the preteen noticed Stan's car was missing. "I mean, yeah thanks."

The drive to his abuelita's house didn't take long. When Soos opened the door to leave, Melody stopped him.

"Y'know, I'll be in town for a few more days. Maybe you could show me around?"

"Sure dude! I'd like that." Soos rummaged through his pocket and pulled out a flyer for the Mystery Shack. "I'm here most days."

"I'll see you soon then." Melody smiled and took the pamphlet.

Quickly, the girl leaned over and kissed Soos on the cheek. By the time the tween was able to speak again, the limo had already sped off.

**.**

**.**

**FDKJ VVDDUPE DWXK KDPUKZ IREBVIAG IDJFTE HOJW DPVM. ET PRM XITJO JKAQ AUISFQW, XIOP 'HZO LIME'NS ZQ LIMON HNHFUQKO. ;(  
**


	20. Monday the 13th

**Gravity Falls has ended, but AntiGravity Falls will continue.**

**.**

**Monday the 13****th**

**.**

Another year.

Soos knew this one wouldn't be any different, he'd realized that last time. But knowing something is true, and accepting it, are two very different things. It's so much easier to pretend this day just doesn't exist.

Or it would be, if people didn't keep reminding him.

:::::::::::::::::

The boy walked into the Mystery Shack, head hanging low. Standing at the counter, Stan barked, "Hey, you're late!"

"Sorry Mr. Pines. It won't happen again." Soos said without looking up.

The old man was about to scold his employee, but the boy's unusual mood made him pause.

Soos moved across the room without paying attention, and walked into the vending machine. The kid's feet kept moving, apparently unaware that he wasn't going anywhere.

"Uh, you okay?"

"I'm fine Mr. Pines." The boy finally found his way to the 'employees only' door.

For the first time this summer, Wendy had gotten to work before her friend. As the pair bumped into each other trying to fit through the same door, she said, "Hey Soos! Happy-"

But the pudgy boy walked past her before she could finish.

"What's up with him? He sick or something?" Stan asked with feigned indifference.

Wendy stared after her friend before turning to the old man, concern drawn on her face. "No. Today's his birthday, but…"

"But what?"

"I don't really know." The girl said. "For some reason he doesn't want a party this year. And last year, well, he left his own party half way through. He was depressed for days afterwards. I think something happened, but he won't say what."

Stan rubbed his chin. What kinda kid doesn't like his birthday? He decided to do something about it. He couldn't have his employees walking around depressed. It was bad for business after all.

:::::::::::::::::::::

Stan wracked his brain for something to cheer Soos up. The problem was, he didn't actually know anything about the kid. He'd just shone up one day when the Shack needed a new handyman. What did he like? The old man delved deep into his memory, trying to pull up ignored conversations from the boy.

_Laser Tag._

That was something. The kid either loved it or hated it. Either way, it would take his mind off of whatever was bothering him now.

The conman decided he could close the Shack for a few hours. It was a slow day anyway.

::::::::::::J::::::::::

_Big Gunz Laser Tag_ was a hotspot for the under-twelves of a certain level of nerdiness. Apparently that didn't deter Dipper and Mabel, who were excited for the outing. Earlier, Wendy had explained Soos' change in mood to the twins. Though Stan just claimed this was a planned company outing.

The four kids were suited up and ready to enter the arena. Stan held back. He was having trouble with his vest, and it didn't help that his old man back was acting up.

When the doors opened, Wendy, Mabel, and Dipper ran into the artificial smoke. Soos proceeded a little slower, excited for the game, but still bummed out. That's how the newcomer managed to block his path.

"Hey dork." Robbie sneered. "You sure you wanna go in there? Everyone already knows you're gonna lose."

Soos lowered his gun, not saying anything.

"Hey, isn't today your birthday?" The other boy continued. "Some party. Only Wendy and your babysitters came to it."

"I'm not having a party this year." The technically-a-teen murmured.

"It's a good thing too, nobody'd come anyway." Robbie laughed as he walked away.

Soos decided he wasn't in the mood for laser tag. He sat down on a bench to wait for the others.

"Who's that little twerp?" A gruff voice said beside him.

The boy looked up to see Stan standing over him. "Robbie."

"He always pick on ya?" The old man asked.

"Yeah."

"Well, you gotta stand up for yourself, kid. Go on, go talk back." He pulled the boy off his seat, and pushed him in the direction of his bully.

Soos hesitantly walked towards the other boy, "Hey Robbie. You're a- you're a stink… face."

Stan pulled him aside before the tween had a chance to respond. "Alright. Good first effort." The old man pinched the bridge of his nose. "But try making it a little more personal. What kinda dirt you got on this kid?"

"Well, I think he has a crush on Wendy."

"Seriously?" But the conman shrugged. "Well, use that."

"Hey Robbie!" Soos said more forcefully this time. "Wendy doesn't like you!"

Robbie opened and closed his mouth, unable to say anything.

"Better." Stan nodded.

"She'll never be your girlfriend."

"Good."

"No one loves you, and you'll die old and alone!"

"Eh, dial it back a notch." Stan cringed.

"Oh, um… You're nothing but a one-dimensional caricature of a teenage subculture that lost all its significance years ago!"

"Atta boy!" Stan slapped the kid's back.

The pair exited the building, leaving Robbie with tears in his eyes.

:::::::::::U:::::::::

The laser battle was quick and merciless. Wendy always considered herself pretty good at this game, but the twins were on a whole nother level. Considering the number of times one of the pair snuck up behind her, she was glad they were on her team.

By now, Dipper was in a duel with their last three opponents. Pinned in a corner, the boy was running out of 'ammo' and didn't have a port to recharge. Then, a barrage of fire took down his antagonists. The teen peeked from his barricade to see his sister stand triumphantly.

Mabel lifted her rifle over her head and screamed, "I am Death, Destroyer of Worlds!"

"Dang, nice work Mabel." Dipper stood from behind his barrier. A beam of light shot past him. "Hey!"

The boy dove for cover as his sister kept shooting. When she glimpsed a patch of red hair, the teen turned her fire on Wendy.

"What the heck?! We're on the same team!" Dipper yelled.

Wendy managed to make her way next to the boy. "What's going on?"

"I think she's gone into one of her berserker fits." He peeked over the barricade and let out a pained yelp. "She shot me in the eye! Not cool, Mabel!"

"What should we do?"

"Let's regroup. Where's Soos?"

"Uh… I thought he was with you."

"Wait, what? I haven't seen him since we started."

"Where is he then?"

The friends shared a guilty look. He was the whole reason they were there in the first place.

"Mabel! Time out. We lost Soos!" Dipper shouted.

His only answer was a volley of shots.

"Seriously! I think we've been even bigger jerks than usual today!" He persisted.

Mabel just let out an incoherent battle cry.

"Ow!" Dipper clutched his forearm.

The girl had aimed for his exposed flesh, and it _hurt!_

"Ach!" Another blast. "Why do the lasers burn?!"

Yet another hit.

"Ahhh! Why do kids enjoy this?"

:::::::::::L::::::::

The Shack wasn't that far away, so Stan figured his niblings would be fine if he took the car. But that wasn't the problem the conman was worried about: he'd taken Soos for a ride, and had no idea what to do with him.

"Mr. Pines, can I ask you a question?" Soos asked.

Relived that the uncomfortable silence was broken, Stan said. "Sure kid."

"Am I weird for not liking my birthday?"

Stan was lost for a moment, but quickly recovered. "Of course not. Why would anyone want to celebrate being another year closer to death?"

"So it's okay to just ignore it?"

"Sure! I haven't celebrated my birthday in so long that I don't even know how old I am anymore!"

Soos smiled.

So far, so good. He just had to figure out what to do next.

::::::::::Y::::::::

When man and boy made it back to the Mystery Shack, Stan left Soos in the living room while he tried to find something to entertain him.

Okay. What did he and his father do when he was young?

…

Okay. What did he and his father _not_ do when he was young?

**… … …**

Stan brought out an ancient baseball and a couple of mitts. "How about a game of catch?"

Soos' eyes lit up, and the pair went outside.

"Alright, here it comes!" Stan wound up and tossed the ball. As it left his hand, a deafening crack filled the air, and the old man fell to his knees. "Agh! My back!"

A muffled thump followed, and Soos was on the ground clutching his belly. "Oof! My stomach!"

The duo writhed in agony.

"This was a terrible idea!" The conman groaned.

"Why do people enjoy this?"

"Let's agree to never do or mention this again!"

::::::::::::::::::::

Dipper and Wendy were being hunted down by Mabel.

"How do we get out of here?" Wendy panted. The trio were locked in. Apparently the Laser Tag employees considered Mabel too dangerous to let loose.

Dipper nursed the burn marks the toy guns shouldn't have left. "I've got a plan."

After a brief explanation, the team split up.

Foaming at the mouth, Mabel stalked her prey.

Suddenly, Dipper appeared in front of her. "There is no escape! Don't make me destroy you."

The girl stopped in her tracks.

"You've only begun to discover your power! Join me, and I will complete your training! With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict, and bring order to the galaxy."

Mabel cocked her head in confusion, but couldn't resist continuing the dramatic dialog. "I'll never join you!"

"Gruncle Stan never told you what happened to your brother, did he?"

"He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"

"No Mabel, _I_ am your brother."

"No! That's not true! That's impossible!"

"Search your feelings; you know it to be true!"

"NOOOOOOO!" The brunette fell to her knees.

That was Wendy's cue to attack. She came out firing:

_Hit! Hit, hit, hit!_

_Game Over!_

The lights came back on, and the smoke machines stopped.

Mabel stood up as though nothing had happened. "Well, that was fun!"

"Really?" Dipper said. "That's all you've got to say?"

"Yep! And why are you all burnt up? And why do I have this urge to join the Dark Side?"

::::::::::::::::::

Fishing. Fishing was a much better idea. No one ever got hurt while on a boat.

Stan and Soos were in the middle of the lake, each with a rod in hand. Nice and boring: just the way Stan liked it.

Soos' bobber darted underwater.

"Hey kid, ya got a bite!"

"What do I do?"

"Reel it in ya knucklehead!" Stan shouted excitedly.

Soos tugged at his line. The pole bent nearly double. When the boat lurched forward, Stan grabbed the rod as well, and the pair were taken for a sleigh ride.

"What the heck's doing this?" The old man yelled.

"Maybe it's the Gobblewonker!" Soos answered.

"Don't be crazy! There's no such thing!"

"That's what Dipper said!"

"Really?"

The boat was dragged under water. At the last minute, the line snapped, and the pair popped back to the surface.

"Eh. Fishing was a dumb idea anyway."

:::::::::::::::::

Dried off, the two Mystery Shack workers sat in front of the TV.

"Hey, Mr. Pines?" Soos asked.

"What's up?"

"Well, it's kinda embarrassing." The boy blushed. "But I met this girl the other day, and-"

"Say no more kid." Stan said. "You wanna know how to impress her, right?"

The teen nodded.

The codger turned off the television. "Girls are easy. You just gotta act confident. And be kinda a jerk. But not _too much_ of a jerk."

Soos paid close attention.

"I guess while we're at it I should tell you about the _Birds and the Bees_, huh?"

The boy went pale.

"It all starts with…"

**… … …**

"...And that's everything you need to know." Stan concluded.

Soos sat with his arms wrapped around his knees, rocking back and forth. He already knew the basics of that sort of thing, but Stan went into more detail. _A lot_ more detail. The sock puppets didn't make the experience any better.

:::::::::::::::::::

As evening fell, the Pines twins and Wendy walked into the Shack. The trio entered the family room to find Stan on the recliner with a sleeping Soos next to him.

"Hey Gruncle Stan! What's up?" A sweaty Mabel chirped. The battle-scarred Dipper and Wendy only groaned.

"Just waitin' for Soos' grandma to come get him."

"What did you guys do today?"

"Nothing." The old man said. "Just spent some time together."

"_All_ day?" His niece asked. "Without opening the Gift Shop?"

"Yeah. So what?"

The girl grinned.

"_What_?"

Mabel just smiled wider.

"Look, I can't have my employees acting all depressed. It's bad for business!"

By this time Dipper and Wendy had left the room to lick their wounds. That meant nothing could prevent Mabel and her uncle from having a candid conversation.

"You care about him." The girl prodded.

"Meh!"

"Admit it Gruncle Stan, you've got a heart of gold."

"I wish!" The old man said. "At this point my heart is mostly cholesterol."

:::::::::::::::::

BNPTN JTLRHRRXH TQ WI WMWAPP JFWMFYO MW UTPYFLLNM.

**.**


	21. Summon's In Trouble

**.**

**Summon's In Trouble **

**.**

"Come one! Come all!" Stan barked at the crowd in the Mystery Shack. "See the _Conquerors of the Forest_!"

Wendy and Soos stood awkwardly in front of the counter.

"Nearly everyone in town was in danger during that Northwest Fest debacle." The old man continued. "But the indomitable spirit of Wendy Corduroy broke the curse." He ruffled the girl's red hair. "And Soos Ramirez saved the fair damsel in distress."

Melody waved at the boy from the mob, making his forced smile turn genuine.

"Get your photo taken with them for twenty bucks. No, forty- fifty bucks!"

Everyone rushed forward, cash in hand.

::::::::::::::::::

Once the last tourist left, Stan walked to the exit, counting his money.

"Ugh." Wendy was exhausted from being exploited all day. "I thought you didn't even believe in the supernatural Mr. Pines."

"I don't." The conman answered. "But these rubes do."

Stan exited the room without another word.

:::::::::::::::::::

Since her dad was away on a logging job, Wendy decided to get dinner at the diner that night. Taking a seat, she waited for a server.

"Explain to me again why we're here, Shmulder?" The girl overheard from the next table.

"I told you Smully, this town has a disproportionate amount of paranormal activity."

That peaked Wendy's interest.

"Yeah, according to those tabloids you read."

"Hey! Those are an unappreciated source of legitimate news!"

Wendy excitedly leaned over her booth. "Wait, are you two really investigating the mysteries of Gravity Falls?!"

The woman named Smully hid behind her menu, but Shmulder turned to her and took out his badge. "Yes we are. We're from the FBI, and we're looking for answers to the unexplained phenomena surrounding this town."

"Oh my gosh!" The girl exclaimed. "That's what I've been doing all summer! I've seen so much, I have this journal-" She pat her shirt_. Darn it!_ She'd left it at the Shack that afternoon. "I can help you."

The man glanced at his partner. "If you really have proof, we should talk."

"Yes! We can go right n-" But the tween paused again. The Shack was closed, and she didn't know if anyone would be home right now. "We can talk tomorrow. Come to the Mystery Shack after 10 AM, and I'll be there."

"In that case, we'll see you then."

Wendy was so excited, she left the diner without ordering any food.

:::::::::::::::::::

The next morning was like most others at the Mystery Shack. Dipper and Mabel restocked the Gift Shop, while their uncle manned the till.

As he swept the floor, Soos looked out the window. "Hey, Mr. Pines, what's that code-word I'm supposed to use when I see official looking people in black suits?"

"I was never here!" Stan screamed as he tore the cash register off the counter.

Wendy exited the 'Employees Only' door as her boss ran through it.

"They're for me!" The girl shouted, and sped outside.

The twins shared a worried glance.

::::::::::B:::::::::

"You're here!" Wendy stopped in front of the feds.

"You claim to have proof of the supernatural?" Agent Smully asked skeptically.

"Of course! This journal has almost all the answers!" She started pulling the book from under her shirt, before a voice interrupted her from behind.

"Welcome to the Mystery Shack!" Dipper walked forward, an eyepatch on his face, and arms spread in a flourish. "Home to wonders never before seen by human eyes!"

The agents stared at the teenager. Shmulder said, "We're here to investigate the unusual occurrences in this town."

"Then you've come to the right place!" The boy said. "Behold! Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock: the rock that looks like a face. Or, for the true aficionado:" He pulled a taxidermy sculpture from behind his back, "The Raccicorn! The legendary horned raccoon!"

"Let me rephrase that." The FBI agents held up their badges. "We're here to investigate the _real_ supernatural phenomena of this town."

Dipper paid close attention to their ID numbers. "Ah." The boy pulled off his eyepatch. "In that case, I'm afraid you're wasting your time. All of that is just gift shop lore made up by people like my uncle."

"What?! But-" Wendy was interrupted by Dipper ruffling her pigtails.

"Don't listen to the girl, she's got an overactive imagination."

Smully gave her partner a condescending glare.

Shmulder slumped his shoulders and said. "Maybe we should look elsewhere."

As the pair walked towards their car, Wendy yelled, "No, wait!"

But Dipper grabbed her arm. "Hold on there, squirt."

The girl turned on him. "Why?! Why would you do that?"

"Because it's dangerous talking to people like that."

"But they could've helped us! Don't you want the world to know the truth?"

"Yes. But it's a lot more complicated than it sounds." The boy tried to explain. "Even if they believe us, who's to say anyone will believe _them?_ And who's to say their bosses want the truth to get out? It wouldn't be the first time the government has covered up the paranormal."

Wendy paused. "You mean like the Roswell crash?"

"Nah. That was just a weather balloon and swamp gas." Dismissed Dipper. "I was thinking more along the lines of the 1938 Martian invasion. The feds passed the whole thing off as a radio drama_._"

"Really?"

"Yep." He said. "Look, the government can't be trusted. Anyone who aspires to be a politician is by definition either stupid or crazy (no one in their right mind would want a job like _that_). And you don't wanna get involved with the people who're _really_ in power."

"_Hrm_."

Dipper sighed and put his hand on the girls shoulder. "Look, just trust me on this one. Promise you won't talk to those agents again."

After a long pause, Wendy said, "Okay, I promise."

The girl uncrossed her fingers as she took them out of her pocket.

:::::::::::A::::::::::

In a small town, word travels fast. So it wasn't hard for Wendy to learn that agents Shmulder and Smully would be at the cemetery that night. The girl made sure to be there too.

"Just admit it Shmulder." Smully sighed. "There's nothing here."

"No!" The man said. "There has to be. I know this will finally give us the proof we need."

"You've said that about every backwoods town we've ever been to."

"Guys!" A new voice interrupted them. Wendy ran up panting. "I have the Journal I told you about. You need to see it!"

Shmulder took the book that was thrust in his face. Flipping through the pages, the partners shared a look. "Sorry kid." He handed it back. "I've been studying the paranormal for years, and this is obviously a hoax. Your little boyfriend was right about that overactive imagination of yours."

Wendy blushed for multiple reasons. "No, it's all true!" She searched the pages. "Fairies, ghosts, spells!"

"Let's get out of here." Smully said. "This is another dead-end."

"Wait!" The girl frantically read the text. "Listen: uh, um… Spiritus invoco Secundo Circulo! Exsurge parum pudici daemonum! Lleps Ykoops! Lleps Ykoops! Lleps Ykoops!"

For a moment nothing happened. Then a fiery rift opened in the ground. Strange women crawled from the opening, both terrible and beautiful. The FBI agents pulled out their guns, but were tackled and dragged off.

When the adults were gone, the demonic women turned towards Wendy. "Uh… I'm gonna- I'm gonna go now."

As the girl ran away, the succubi sprouted wings and flew after her.

:::::::::::W:::::::::

The Mystery Shack was pretty far away from the cemetery. It's a good thing Wendy had a lot of practice running that summer. Panting, the preteen found Dipper and Soos in the front yard.

"_Diggin' at night, diggin' at night_." Dipper sang as he filled up a seven-by-two foot hole in the ground.

"Bad things!" The girl shouted. "Bad things happening!"

"Hey dork, what's up?" The teen smiled at his friend. "Something bad?"

That's when he noticed the monstrous shapes flying towards them, and his face dropped into a scowl.

"Wendy! When I gave you that journal, what did I say?" Dipper scolded.

"Uh… Tell you what I'm doing?"

"And the other thing?"

"Don't raise the dead…"

"And the _other_ thing?"

Wendy hung her head, "No summoning demons."

"No summoning demons!" The boy reiterated.

"But it was for a good reason!" The redhead defended herself.

"What? What could possibly justify this?"

"I was trying to prove a point!"

"…Okay, admittedly that's a pretty good reason." Dipper conceded. "But it was still a bad idea!"

"Hey, I heard a ruckus." Mabel walked outside. "What's goin' on? Something bad?"

The demonic women landed in a circle around the four children.

"Yep. That's bad."

:::::::::D:::::::

The group of friends skirted the Shack, hoping to lose the demonesses. Fortunately, the succubi seemed distracted by their new surroundings, and were slow in their pursuit. When their path was blocked, Dipper punched one of the girls in the face, and Mabel kicked the other in the crotch (her signature move), making them crumple.

The violence grabbed the attention of the other Hellions. They closed in just as the kids reached the porch. Dipper tossed his sister a black knuckle-duster, slipping another over his own fist.

"Ready?"

"Ready." Mabel answered as another woman approached her. "Boob punch!" She hit the demon in the chest.

"You two, inside, _**now**__!_" Dipper shouted.

"But- but!"

"No! These are R rated succubi." Dipper explained while throwing a punch.

"R rated?"

"Ghosts are categorized by number, demons are categorized by letter!" The boy shouted. "That means things are gonna get real inappropriate, real fast."

"Just listen to him!" Mabel turned, getting distracted. "Go inside."

The ethereal women took advantage of the twins divided attention, and sauntered forward. Reaching out, they just barely caressed an arm or cheek.

"Whoa, hey there!" Mabel chuckled nervously, backing up. "None of that! The least you could do is buy a gal dinner first."

Two of the demons wrapped their arms around hers.

"Then again." The brunette's eyes drooped. "I'm a strong, progressive, 21st century woman. There's nothing wrong with a little canoodling every once in a while, right?"

Dipper screwed his eyes up tight. "No! _Stay out of my mind!"_ He breathed deep. "_Concentrate on your intellect._ 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31…"

But another pair of succubi took his hands, and the same goofy-sleepiness overcame his face.

The twins were pulled away. Wendy tried to jump forward, but Soos dragged her inside the Gift Shop.

"No!"

"C'mon dude!" Soos yelled. "We can't help them without a plan."

The boy slammed the door, and pushed his friend further inside.

"Where's Mr. Pines?"

"What's he gonna do?" Wendy spat. "Tell us this isn't real?"

"I wish kid." Stan appeared behind them, punching a succubus that tried to climb through a window. "Get upstairs. Now!"

The trio ran for the attic.

:::::::::Y:::::::

Inside the twins' bedroom, Stan barricaded the door and muttered. "Why couldn't I be attacked by swarms of beautiful magic women while I was in my twenties?"

Now that Wendy had enough time to think, she said. "You always said you didn't believe in the supernatural!"

"You think I'm an idiot kid?" The old man said. "Of course I know it's real."

"Then why pretend?"

"Because this stuff is dangerous, ya knucklehead!" Stan turned towards her. "The one thing I know is: The more you mess with this kinda thing, the riskier it gets."

"Do Dipper and Mabel know you know?"

"Yeah. And they also know to leave me out of it." His anger deflated. "I do my best to protect those kids, but they keep looking for trouble. Dipper won't leave well enough alone, and now the goofus has put us all in danger again."

"Uh, actually…" Wendy scraped her foot across the ground. "This was my fault."

When the girl took the Journal from under her shirt, Stan grew even angrier.

"They gave you that thing?!"

"After I found out about it by myself!" She still felt the need to defend the twins, despite this new revelation.

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. "You're as bad as Dipper, ya know that kid? And he's almost as bad as my- Never mind."

"Why wouldn't Dipper tell me you knew all this?" Wendy finally asked the question that was burning at the back of her mind.

"Because I told him not to." Stan said. "He can look as crazy as he wants. But I've got a reputation to keep."

"Uh, dudes?" Soos finally spoke up. "I don't wanna interrupt all this character revelation stuff, but…"

A crash made the trio turn towards the window.

"They found us."

:::::::::::::::  
_This chapter is brought to you by _Latin._  
Pretend you're smart by using a dead language!  
_:::::::::::::::

"You've got the dang journal kid." Stan shouted as he punched the succubus out the window. "Figure something out!"

"I can't!" Wendy cried. "There's nothing about weaknesses in here."

_Wait._ There was more to the journal. Dipper had shown her before. She ran to the boy's nightstand, pulling out the drawers.

"C'mon dawg, this is no time to be creepy!" Soos whined. "Quit going through Dipper's underpants."

Wendy was able to ignore this because she found what she needed: a blacklight. Shining the purple beam on the Succubus page, she saw the hidden text:

_The spell was incomplete!  
Summoning rituals require two parts: Calling and Binding.  
The first half only allows the demons to enter our world, where they're instinctively drawn to the spell-caster.  
The second half is needed for the summoner to control the Succubus.  
The rest of the formula is as followed:  
Heus! Audire ad mihi!_

"Who writes instructions like that?!"

Stan grunted his agreement.

Wendy ran to the window, and shouted the rest of the incantation. Immediately, the demonesses landed and stood in orderly rows on the lawn.

::::::::::::::::

The succubi remained at attention as the trio exited the Shack. Wendy was at a loss for words before Stan nudged her forward.

"Go on, get rid of 'em."

"Um…" But the girl paused. She had to save the others! "Bring back Dipper and Mabel!"

Four ethereal women emerged from the woods, dragging the twins behind them. Gently placing the teens in front of Wendy, everyone ran forward to check on them.

Aside from being groggy, the siblings were uninjured except for some bruises on their necks. Out of the succubi's influence, the pair quickly regained their senses.

Once sure that her friends were okay, Wendy turned to the demonesses and said, "Go back to where you belong!"

Without a sound, the women burst into flames and vanished.

"Ugh." Dipper moaned. "I feel like I just got hit by a sexy truck."

"Me too." His sister cringed. "But on the bright side, one of them gave me her number!"

"Mabel!" Dipper scolded. Most people couldn't manage to express surprise, anger, frustration, weary acceptance, and a dash of humor all at once; but to the boy's family and friends, it was called 'Dipper Expression Number 3.'

"C'mon!" The girl persisted. "I got a good feeling about this one!"

The teen just continued to glare.

"Fine!" Mabel sighed. "I won't call her." She leaned down to Soos and whispered, "I'm totally gonna call her."

"So… That all happened." Wendy said with a nervous chuckle. "But since everything worked out, I guess there's no need to blame anyone for anything, right?"

"You're all fired." Stan grumbled.

:::::::::::::::::::::

Bgaqrt Sdpsmdau yod Opsmlu vssveyce tdh qvcyxzvs wwrbcg, dle dafgeez wm hirh sq sadpdheqe gon wff pwuyoonpym. Sixjmy xhabma d dbmkxq Eewwf Caho nmauhp, xheoc Thixjeen kye a lvwdhkwgd bnhyldkzl bnz fssraqrmy xhjjerhq ie'o dl fanzgh.

**.  
**Dedicated to Tsccfan1997

**.**


	22. Scraps

**.**

**Scraps**

**.**

**I haven't abandoned this story, I'm just in a bit of a creative slump. So in the meantime, here are some scraps of scenes and dialogue I couldn't find a place for. Consider it the director's cut:**

**.**

"This coming from the guy who used to freak out whenever Stan did the coin-from-the-ear trick on him?" Mabel said.

"What?" Wendy tried to stifle a giggle.

"Hey! I had a good reason!" Dipper blushed.

"Why? You thought he was a dark wizard?" His sister taunted.

"No! Well, not completely." The boy glared. "Remember when we were 6 and you dared me to stick a roll of quarters up my nose?"

"_Huh-huh_, yeah." Mabel wore a goofy grin.

"Why would you do that?" Wendy couldn't decide whether to laugh or be concerned.

"Well, when Stan started pulling quarters out of my ear, I was afraid I never got them all out."

"Again. Why would you do something like that?" The redhead asked.

"It was a phase!" Dipper yelled, then turned back to his sister. "At least _I_ grew out of it."

It was Mabel's turn to look indignant. "I stopped doing it!"

"Yeah, last year. Miss Beat-her-own-record-of-sticking-gummyworms-up-her-nose."

:::::::::::::::::::::::

"I'm not really good with FCLORPing. I tried it once, and things got a little… intense."

"He sent a bunch of nerds to the hospital." Mabel chimed in.

"It wasn't my fault!" The boy tried to defend himself. "They were dressed as _Yrch_. How else was I gonna react?"

::::::::::::::::::::::

The friends spent most of the day watching cartoons like: _Esteban Cosmos, Epic Chronology, Past the Lawn Fence, Tai Chi Koala, _and_ Thesaurus: The Cartoon. _

::::::::::::::::::::

"Sooo… I decided to go explore that bunker again."

"Oh, uh." Dipper chuckled nervously. "Did you find anything interesting?"

"Yeah. Um… Why, uh- why do you have a bunch of pods with clones of you and Mabel in them?"

The teen rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment and took a couple deep breaths. "Okay. That's a valid question, and you deserve an answer. But before I say anything, I wanna make one point clear: _I do _not_ have a god complex."_

Wendy cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Dipper flailed his arms. "That's exactly what someone with a god complex would say. Lemme start again."

The redhead's expression didn't change.

"What I was trying to say is this: I'm not necessarily seeking immortality." Content, the boy continued. "What you saw were… backups. The dark weird life I've chosen is dangerous. With this system, I don't have to worry about my family blaming themselves for my mistakes."

"So, does that mean you're a…" Wendy trailed off.

"No, I haven't died yet." Dipper said.

"Oh. Er, good."

"Yeah."

The pair stood in awkward silence for a while.

"Sooo…" Wendy began. "Can I get in on this?"

Surprised, Dipper stuttered, "Uh, sure." Recovering, he continued. "We'll just need a sample of your DNA, and insert a microchip into your brain. It uses the same technology as the memory-eraser. I got the idea from a movie."

::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dipper sighed. "If I had told you I knew magic, what would you've said?"

"Wow, cool?"

"Yeah, then what?"

Wendy looked at her feet sheepishly, "Tell me how to do that."

"And what if I said no?"

"I'd respect your decision and drop the subject?"

Dipper rolled his eyes, "Okay, and what would you really do?"

"Try to figure it out on my own." The redhead dropped her gaze again.

"Exactly." The boy said. "Look, the reason I don't talk about this kind of stuff is because it's dangerous. Playing with magic is just as bad as playing with gunpowder, so I don't differentiate between the two."

"Is that why you use gunpowder so much?"

"Yes."

:::::::::::::::::::::

"Hey everybody! Welcome to another episode of _Mabel's Guide to Life!_"

"Um, why am I here again?" Wendy asked, standing awkwardly in frame.

Ignoring her friend's question, Mabel continued. "Tonight's edition is about what to do if you're receiving unwanted attention."

Mabel placed an arm around the younger girl, while the preteen just looked lost.

"When you're a hottie like us," The brunette explained. "You get noticed a lot."

"I- Uh- I don't think I-"

"So here are some tips to get those beaus off your back."

:::::::::::::::::::::

Dipper burst through the door and stood imposingly on the porch. In his hand was a gleaming sword, and on his face was a cold expression Wendy didn't recognize.

"Halt!" The boy shouted, unusual authority in his voice.

The creatures stopped to look. They hissed, but that didn't cow the interloper.

"Behold, _Gurthang_ the Soul Eater!" Dipper held aloft the sword, the runes carved on its blade shining in the sun. "Forged from meteoric iron in the halls of _Nidavellir_ and tempered in dragon's blood! None can withstand its might!"

The monsters looked at each other nervously. Some were already backing away towards the forest.

Dipper took a step forward. "C'mon! Come at me bro!"

The creatures turned and fled.

Once the monsters were out of sight, a drastic change overtook the teen. His shoulders slumped and he collapsed onto the step with a sigh.

"That was amazing!" Wendy shouted, running up to her friend. Eyes wide, she stared at the sword in the brunette's hand. "Was all that true?"

"Hmh?" Dipper was pulled out from his own thoughts. "Oh. No." He dropped the weapon onto the floorboards. "That's just a prop from the Shack."

"But- but you said…"

"I lied." The teen gave her a sympathetic smile. "Let me tell you, there are two things I've learned that've saved my skin more than anything else: One is convincing your enemy that you've always got the upper hand."

"What's the second?"

"Run away really fast when they realize you're bluffing."

**.**

**Sometime during the schoolyear, somewhere deep underground:**

Wendy stood imposingly in the middle of a stone bridge, Soos was behind her, and army of Kobolds was in front.

Armed with nothing but a big stick, the girl spoke. "You won't pass!"

Her voice boomed in the cavernous dark, but a few of the braver creatures inched forward.

"I am the student of Valacirca! Wielder of the J'or Naal! Your weapons will not avail you, mine-dwellers! You won't get past!"

The redhead lifted the stick high, and broke it against the bridge (simultaneously, with a little slight-of-hand, she threw down a smoke-bomb). The Kobolds recoiled, as much from the strange wizard's words as the explosion. When their eyes readjusted to the gloom, the intruders had vanished.

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End file.
